Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

Apparently I am a very jealous person. This is not news to me, neither is it to Nic. What that is surprising to me is that it's apparent to everyone around me it seems. And I thought I have always been doing a good job of reining in my jealousy.

I am jealous not just as far as Nic is concerned. I am territorial and possessive over everything that I have staked my claims on.

This festive holidays, someone asked me repeatedly alot of "what if " questions. Someone I might have a chance with if I were single. So I guessed that answered one of his questions. I just hoped my non-answers didn't disappoint him too much, cos he's really someone I hope to stay good friends with forever. And perhaps also cos he's someone I don't really want to close the doors on, yet.

If you try harder, we might have a chance. This is all I can tell you, but what I didn't want to say as I didn't want to complicate matters. We will see what happens then.

So I have been called fake, superficial and insincere. These are the first impressions I give people it seems. And I feel so indignant, so misunderstood. I try my best to be friendly and sincere, but somehow that always comes across as affected and contrived. Help me!

I think I have got "fake" written all over my face.

"I will be so worried for you if you go." And really this is his response to something really trivial. But if you know me and how clumsy I can be, you will know his fears are not unfounded. It put a smile on my face : )

"You know I will do anything for you." I am not sure but I would like to believe you mean it.

You know you are in love when you aren't able to stay angry for long. Literally your anger dissipates in seconds.

I hate it when people give me the dirty look.

The incredulous look they have on their faces after finding out I am still with Nic, and almost immediately they assume it's cos of vanity and materialistic reasons.

I am tired of explaining, and it's disappointing cos they are all my close gfs. And really, I am not accountable to anyone but myself.

Things are more complicated than you imagine. We are bound by the feelings we have for each other, and I believe no one outside of this relationship understands it better than we do. So just leave me alone. I don't need your blessings, your approval, just give me some peace and quiet.

And I am not sure Nic understands this is absolutely our last chance, as far as my faith in his fidelity goes. Or maybe not.

"You walk in and my strength walks out the door."

So true. But I am a good actress. So you don't see how much I miss you. I really do, especially at times like this, when I need someone to talk to, to hug me. I wish I ain't so reliant on you.

15 Feb 2006

I didn't spend V-day with Nic yesterday. He did try, though not hard enough. There are things you can do to make me more amenable to talking. But you are just not trying hard enough. You have alot of pride, as do I. So it's difficult.

"Happy V-Day, Mich. You know you are still my dearie. I just hope you still feel the same way."

You could have said it to me in person, or at least called me. Over a text message, is that the best you can do? This is what I mean when I say you are not trying hard enough.

"I have prepared a present for you. Let me know when's a good time to meet."

You could have just given me the present personally. You know where I work, where I stay now. You know I wouldn't refuse you if you asked to meet for a couple of minutes.

I really am not sure if trying this hard would change my mind. But I need to know you are desperate enough to want to exhaust all possible means. If you are not desperate enough, I don't think you value our relationship as much as you claim you do. Perhaps, you know it might not do anything to change my mind, so you would rather not do it anyway.

Nic asked me why I am doing this to him? And for a second, I am at a loss for words. So who did this to me?

He thinks it's a serious matter and I have every right to be upset and mad at him but certainly it doesn't warrant a break-up?? Does this even make sense? It's ridiculous! If cheating on your gf with whom you led to believe you are in a commited relationship isn't a serious enough reason for a break-up, then I can only say you can sleep through any war. He thinks I am deliberately being difficult. He says he's at his wit's end. He thinks I am unwilling to give us another chance.

I just kept quiet the entire time when he was on the phone. Just total silence from me. I shouldn't even have bothered to listen to him in the first place. But I guessed I really missed his voice. He wanted us to spend a happy valentine's day together. I really wished I could, and for a while I was seriously considered the prospect of doing that. But I really can't. I just need more time.

Nic and I are in a 'cooling off' period now, as he calls it. But as far as I am concerned, we are done. I was in as much shock as everyone else. I discovered, and it doesn't matter how, he was seeing someone else on an on-off basis behind my back. And I confronted him with it and he admitted it. The truth was staring at us in the face and there was no denying, and that's why he admitted to it. I cannot live with infidelity. That's where I draw my line.

I don't know how long this has been going on, and I have no wish to find out. I can't be bothered frankly. I don't care if it's on a casual basis, semi-regular or adhoc basis. Whatever. Cheating is cheating is cheating. Period.

So it's not cooling off. It's over. He needs to understand this. Well, at least I made it crystal clear to him on my part. It shocked me as much as everyone else how adamant I am about this. It shocked the hell out of me when I first discovered his casual gf on the side. So am I the full-time live-in gf?

I am upset, in fact devastated, which is the reason for my decisiveness and determination to end this. But I am taking it well. The calm manner in which I am handling this shocks me a little too. Perhaps, once I discovered his cheating ways, my defense mechanisms are activated and he's seen as an enemy. And I don't get emotional over enemies. I just want to be far away from them. So I simply left on the same day.

There were no warning signs. It basically exploded in my face. I guess I am just naive. I naively thought everything was well. I love him so much, and I still do. Which is why the betrayal is so unforgivable. I can't even look him in the eye now. It scares me that the same person who showed me so much love, affection and tenderness is the same person who is capable of two-timing me. That Nic and this Nic. It's so scary.

Don't try to call me, Nic. I don't want to talk to you. I can't. I am afraid talking to you will weaken my resolve. And I am someone who can't live with infidelity. It is much too tiring to love someone with reservations. I can be persuaded, defintely, but I don't want to be.

There is nothing you can do to convince me you will not do this again. So just leave me alone for now. Frankly I don't know if I want this to end, but I am definitely not in the right state of mind to continue for now. I also know you have alot of pride but not a lot of patience. So I could very well pass the point of no return for us very soon. I don't want to lose you really, but I don't want to have our relatioship built on mistrust too.

Why did you do that? How could you do that? What do you do with her on your dates? Where do I stand in all of this? Do you think about me when you are with her? Do you think about her when you are with me? What are you hoping to get out of our relationship? Weren't we talking about marriage just couple of weeks back? I don't know. Who is she? How did you get to know her? Does she know about me? Is there more than one person you are seeing on the side? Maybe I am just another gf you are trying to keep from someone else. When did it start? I had so many questions going through my mind. But I didn't feel like asking any of them. They don't really matter. Bottomline is you did cheat on me. So the answers don't make a difference at all.

I can't bear the thought of you being tender and affectionate to anyone else in a romantic manner other than me. It hurts me in a way you can't imagine. It's like someone wringing my guts out. I broke down. Cried lots. Until I could cry no more. Then I left. I didn't pack cos deep in my heart, I didn't want things to end. I don't want to put a finality on this. There is something you can do, Nic, just that I don't know what.