Monday, November 15, 2004
I dreamt of him again two nights ago. I have lost count of the number of times he's appeared in my dreams. A friend who was also a schoolmate since we were 15 and all the way till we were 18. I don't think anyone knew of my secret admiration for him.
Well he started dating another mutual friend shortly after he started college. I thought he felt something for me when we were in our junior year though. I still reminisce about those days when we would have lunch and goof around a little, play cards after school. But then something went very wrong and I am sure it was not my paranoia at work, and I started sensing hostility in our conversations. It was so palpable and it upset me that he didn't bother to be at least civil. I don't know for sure when it started, but I suppose it was a gradual process, which was why it slipped my notice, or rather I chose not to notice it. If I had acknowledged it, I would feel impelled to do something about the tension between us. I think I know a little why he's upset with me. He thought I was a spoilt brat. He was upset at first, and his irritation at me grew and he became mad over the slightest things, then grew increasingly impatient and finally I think I repulsed him. At least he made me feel that way. And I got mad at him too, cos I don't know what the hell went wrong. Then I think I firmly put the budding relationship on the path of destruction by acting exactly like the brat he thought I was. I was sarcastic ( I already was, but more often than not I intended it to be sarcastic humor which is always totally lost on people outside my group of trustworthy girlfriends.) and arrogant. We were angry with each other for the whole of the senior year and that's when he grew closer with the mutual friend. And I got mad at this friend too and she was conspicuously excluded from most of my social activities. To this day, I still very much resent that friend for covertly 'stealing' him away from me. It's silly, I know. I was young. I had my fair share of problems at home, mainly financial, which I did not share with anyone at school and I didn't think I deserved this relationship crap from this guy.
Now we see each other only occasionally with a bunch of ex classmates. I could be over-reading this but I think he looks at me differently than he does at other classmates and seems to genuinely enjoy what I say and his eyes seem to linger on me a little longer than necessary. And when I return his look, he looks down and averts eye contact. I thought I saw guilt there a couple of times. He seems to be avoiding eye contact with me. But the last time we met, he looked at me a couple of times in the eye and even pulled a funny face when we were joking. Sometimes he makes harmless gibes at me in a joking manner (god, I miss that) or try to engage himself in a conversation with my clique of friends, but never directly with me. He steals glances at me too and when I look his way, he diverts his gaze quickly. He's so shy sometimes, but is this his shyness at work or an indication of something more? His current girlfriend, that is the mutual friend (and hell yes, they are still together after all these years) is always present and it hurts me to see them together. I don't think it's jealousy, but I am really mad to see them together. I guess a part of me feels sore and bitter that I have lost and they have won. And I am still very mad at him when I think of the bad times we had and I would sometimes completely ignore him over big chunks of conversations over meals and conveniently exclude him. I hate seeing them so happy together. They aren't all that affectionate with each other in public actually, but I still hate to see them sitting together. I am a psychopath in the making!
Sometimes I wonder if I should go ahead and confront him with these unresolved feelings. And then rationality takes over and decides I have too much pride to do that. I don't think I can handle the rejection, even the prospect of it is frightening, considering that we socialise in almost perfectly overlapping circles of friends and mutual acquaintances. Imagine the scandal if he rejects me and assures me it's all in my over-imaginative mind. His girlfriend for one would personally provide exclusives to our social circles. Scandalous, no way! But I don't believe he feels nothing for me. But you know para schizos have such a knack for believing the wrong things, thus it's better not to act on our thoughts. yeah...discretion is the better part of valour. Never appreciated the wisdom of this more.
To set the record straight, I don't think I love him. But sure enough, I like him. Why else would I be dreaming of him so very often? He was afterall, one of the biggest crushes I ever had. At least he matters to me enough to warrant one blog entry dedicated to my take on my feelings about him. For what it's worth, given what I know about myself, I can confidently say that I am now not very into him by virtue of the fact that I am capable of writing so much about him. He still ranks miserably after Guy. Guy's another story. I tried to write about him here too but wasn't very successful with only a couple of paragraphs.
Anyway, the admiration I had for him has waned over the years. I just feel a sense of loss when I see them together. Cos in my own naive and spiteful ways, I still see him as something (gasp! I mean someone, my objectification of him must be very telling about my feelings toward him) that I lost because I gave someone else an opportunity to take it from me by denying us a chance to work things out. When I see them together, it feels like I have given up something, relinquished my rights to happiness to them. I should have been the blissful one in that all-so-perfect relationship. I won't deny that I secretly hope they spilt someday. I am still keeping my fingers crossed. Mean-spirited of me, I know.
Guy, nonetheless, you are still in first place, you hear me? No one compares to you, they don't even come close.
Well he started dating another mutual friend shortly after he started college. I thought he felt something for me when we were in our junior year though. I still reminisce about those days when we would have lunch and goof around a little, play cards after school. But then something went very wrong and I am sure it was not my paranoia at work, and I started sensing hostility in our conversations. It was so palpable and it upset me that he didn't bother to be at least civil. I don't know for sure when it started, but I suppose it was a gradual process, which was why it slipped my notice, or rather I chose not to notice it. If I had acknowledged it, I would feel impelled to do something about the tension between us. I think I know a little why he's upset with me. He thought I was a spoilt brat. He was upset at first, and his irritation at me grew and he became mad over the slightest things, then grew increasingly impatient and finally I think I repulsed him. At least he made me feel that way. And I got mad at him too, cos I don't know what the hell went wrong. Then I think I firmly put the budding relationship on the path of destruction by acting exactly like the brat he thought I was. I was sarcastic ( I already was, but more often than not I intended it to be sarcastic humor which is always totally lost on people outside my group of trustworthy girlfriends.) and arrogant. We were angry with each other for the whole of the senior year and that's when he grew closer with the mutual friend. And I got mad at this friend too and she was conspicuously excluded from most of my social activities. To this day, I still very much resent that friend for covertly 'stealing' him away from me. It's silly, I know. I was young. I had my fair share of problems at home, mainly financial, which I did not share with anyone at school and I didn't think I deserved this relationship crap from this guy.
Now we see each other only occasionally with a bunch of ex classmates. I could be over-reading this but I think he looks at me differently than he does at other classmates and seems to genuinely enjoy what I say and his eyes seem to linger on me a little longer than necessary. And when I return his look, he looks down and averts eye contact. I thought I saw guilt there a couple of times. He seems to be avoiding eye contact with me. But the last time we met, he looked at me a couple of times in the eye and even pulled a funny face when we were joking. Sometimes he makes harmless gibes at me in a joking manner (god, I miss that) or try to engage himself in a conversation with my clique of friends, but never directly with me. He steals glances at me too and when I look his way, he diverts his gaze quickly. He's so shy sometimes, but is this his shyness at work or an indication of something more? His current girlfriend, that is the mutual friend (and hell yes, they are still together after all these years) is always present and it hurts me to see them together. I don't think it's jealousy, but I am really mad to see them together. I guess a part of me feels sore and bitter that I have lost and they have won. And I am still very mad at him when I think of the bad times we had and I would sometimes completely ignore him over big chunks of conversations over meals and conveniently exclude him. I hate seeing them so happy together. They aren't all that affectionate with each other in public actually, but I still hate to see them sitting together. I am a psychopath in the making!
Sometimes I wonder if I should go ahead and confront him with these unresolved feelings. And then rationality takes over and decides I have too much pride to do that. I don't think I can handle the rejection, even the prospect of it is frightening, considering that we socialise in almost perfectly overlapping circles of friends and mutual acquaintances. Imagine the scandal if he rejects me and assures me it's all in my over-imaginative mind. His girlfriend for one would personally provide exclusives to our social circles. Scandalous, no way! But I don't believe he feels nothing for me. But you know para schizos have such a knack for believing the wrong things, thus it's better not to act on our thoughts. yeah...discretion is the better part of valour. Never appreciated the wisdom of this more.
To set the record straight, I don't think I love him. But sure enough, I like him. Why else would I be dreaming of him so very often? He was afterall, one of the biggest crushes I ever had. At least he matters to me enough to warrant one blog entry dedicated to my take on my feelings about him. For what it's worth, given what I know about myself, I can confidently say that I am now not very into him by virtue of the fact that I am capable of writing so much about him. He still ranks miserably after Guy. Guy's another story. I tried to write about him here too but wasn't very successful with only a couple of paragraphs.
Anyway, the admiration I had for him has waned over the years. I just feel a sense of loss when I see them together. Cos in my own naive and spiteful ways, I still see him as something (gasp! I mean someone, my objectification of him must be very telling about my feelings toward him) that I lost because I gave someone else an opportunity to take it from me by denying us a chance to work things out. When I see them together, it feels like I have given up something, relinquished my rights to happiness to them. I should have been the blissful one in that all-so-perfect relationship. I won't deny that I secretly hope they spilt someday. I am still keeping my fingers crossed. Mean-spirited of me, I know.
Guy, nonetheless, you are still in first place, you hear me? No one compares to you, they don't even come close.
# posted by Oddball @ 7:55 PM 
