Monday, November 29, 2004
So many Christmas Presents to prepare! What should I get for them? CDs, VCDs, books, purses, accessories or just maybe a card? Lord no, the last one is just too miserly. This is the season to celebrate the spirit and joy of giving. Yes that I understand, but what about the spirit of reciprocity? (Oh, that's taken care of by Thanksgiving). Will I get as many presents back? I doubt it...
It's so expensive and time-consuming to pay tribute to this tradition.
The scouting for the right gift, the wrapping, working within budgets...
But there's one special friend I will make it a point this year to give a little something to. I am so sorry for not making a bigger effort to stay in touch. I hope a little something this christmas will make up a little for it. I am just swamped with lots. This is not an excuse. It's an explanation for my lukewarm attitude to lots of people around me. But I will be devastated if we drift away from each others' lives cos of this. I just hope you don't probe cos I am not sure if I am ready to let you into this part of my life and yet I don't want you to think I am retreating into incommunicado mode again. As a matter of fact, indeed I am. I mean to say I am already in that mode, in fact, I have always been and I think will still be in the forseeable future. I am uncommunicative and reticent by nature. (More on this in later posts) The problem is with me. I have built impregnable walls around me and the walls just get laid upon each time something goes wrong. This tendency to build walls is born largely of my constant need to protect myself. Protect myself from what? I haven't quite figured that out yet. Protect my weaknesses and vulnerabilties from the view of others, protect my feelings from the scrutiny of others, protect myself from criticism and judgement etc. I don't like others to see my vulnerable side. I have so many fears. Sometimes I feel I need a little help from others, but am either too proud or too scared to ask for it as it's tantamount to an admission of my weaknesses. But we all do need help at some point or another don't we?
Maybe I will hold off the present for a little while more.
It's so expensive and time-consuming to pay tribute to this tradition.
The scouting for the right gift, the wrapping, working within budgets...
But there's one special friend I will make it a point this year to give a little something to. I am so sorry for not making a bigger effort to stay in touch. I hope a little something this christmas will make up a little for it. I am just swamped with lots. This is not an excuse. It's an explanation for my lukewarm attitude to lots of people around me. But I will be devastated if we drift away from each others' lives cos of this. I just hope you don't probe cos I am not sure if I am ready to let you into this part of my life and yet I don't want you to think I am retreating into incommunicado mode again. As a matter of fact, indeed I am. I mean to say I am already in that mode, in fact, I have always been and I think will still be in the forseeable future. I am uncommunicative and reticent by nature. (More on this in later posts) The problem is with me. I have built impregnable walls around me and the walls just get laid upon each time something goes wrong. This tendency to build walls is born largely of my constant need to protect myself. Protect myself from what? I haven't quite figured that out yet. Protect my weaknesses and vulnerabilties from the view of others, protect my feelings from the scrutiny of others, protect myself from criticism and judgement etc. I don't like others to see my vulnerable side. I have so many fears. Sometimes I feel I need a little help from others, but am either too proud or too scared to ask for it as it's tantamount to an admission of my weaknesses. But we all do need help at some point or another don't we?
Maybe I will hold off the present for a little while more.
# posted by Oddball @ 10:32 PM 
