Thursday, December 02, 2004
Sweet sweet dream I had last night. Of my secret crush JJ. The schoolmate whom I secretly admired all through high school.
After my long entry about him couple of weeks back, I thought after the self-administered psychotherapy, I would have purged him from my system or at least suppressed any surviving traces of my senseless infatuation with him, if not eternally, at least for a few months, before the remnants of that silly girlish crush start rearing their heads again in my dreams again. Or start manifesting themselves in the spiteful and mean-spirited side of my personality. Not that I necessarily dread seeing him in my dreams. Quite to the contrary, I quite look forward to dreams with him in them. Ok, it also very much depends on the content of the dreams. I hate those dreams where the gf guest stars in them and I am yet reminded of the fact they are an item. Give me a break, this is dreamland for pete's sake, where we are allowed to be in as much denial as we want to, where we are allowed to weave fantasies and live them vicariously. It is as close to reality as we can possibly hope for.
I think for about 2-3 weeks, the psycho treatment was effective. And to be frank, I was scared when I stopped dreaming of him for the last 2-3 weeks. I didn't want the self-help to be so effective. I guess I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet. That infatuation has been a part of me for such a long time and you can't just cut it out of my life like that. It should fade gradually from my life, so slowly that I finally forget that it even existed in the first place.
Something like a real-life break-up, where you first detect signs of incompatibility, and the quarrels, the tears, the exchange of harsh words, the cooling off of passion and finally everything culminating in the break up. We need time to prepare and brace ourselves for the inevitable. The human spirit is vulnerable, fragile. It's not indestructible. We need to see that it's coming before we can convince ourselves of the reality of the matter and accept that it has happened. In other words, kill me softly. Wean me off my thoughts of you slowly. Well, with Guy, I saw it coming. It didn't make it any easier or less painful, but it made the reality easier to deal with because I understood how we wind up where we did. I am in control of my emotions. They don't explode in my face, except for times when my crankiness acts up ...like now.
Anyway, it was a pleasant enough dream. We were very happy and the gf got really jealous. She can be in those dreams so long as she's made to feel like the odd one out. It's such a thrill.
You see how any mention of Guy upsets me...
After my long entry about him couple of weeks back, I thought after the self-administered psychotherapy, I would have purged him from my system or at least suppressed any surviving traces of my senseless infatuation with him, if not eternally, at least for a few months, before the remnants of that silly girlish crush start rearing their heads again in my dreams again. Or start manifesting themselves in the spiteful and mean-spirited side of my personality. Not that I necessarily dread seeing him in my dreams. Quite to the contrary, I quite look forward to dreams with him in them. Ok, it also very much depends on the content of the dreams. I hate those dreams where the gf guest stars in them and I am yet reminded of the fact they are an item. Give me a break, this is dreamland for pete's sake, where we are allowed to be in as much denial as we want to, where we are allowed to weave fantasies and live them vicariously. It is as close to reality as we can possibly hope for.
I think for about 2-3 weeks, the psycho treatment was effective. And to be frank, I was scared when I stopped dreaming of him for the last 2-3 weeks. I didn't want the self-help to be so effective. I guess I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet. That infatuation has been a part of me for such a long time and you can't just cut it out of my life like that. It should fade gradually from my life, so slowly that I finally forget that it even existed in the first place.
Something like a real-life break-up, where you first detect signs of incompatibility, and the quarrels, the tears, the exchange of harsh words, the cooling off of passion and finally everything culminating in the break up. We need time to prepare and brace ourselves for the inevitable. The human spirit is vulnerable, fragile. It's not indestructible. We need to see that it's coming before we can convince ourselves of the reality of the matter and accept that it has happened. In other words, kill me softly. Wean me off my thoughts of you slowly. Well, with Guy, I saw it coming. It didn't make it any easier or less painful, but it made the reality easier to deal with because I understood how we wind up where we did. I am in control of my emotions. They don't explode in my face, except for times when my crankiness acts up ...like now.
Anyway, it was a pleasant enough dream. We were very happy and the gf got really jealous. She can be in those dreams so long as she's made to feel like the odd one out. It's such a thrill.
You see how any mention of Guy upsets me...
# posted by Oddball @ 1:07 AM 
