Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Bastards! Ungrateful bastards! Ingrates! You get my drift. I am breathing fire today cos of a very very disturbing conversation I had with bastards about bastards. What a great way to start a morning!
With each passing day, I see myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am cursed for life. Cursed by myself, cursed by the relatively smooth-sailing life I had in my early years. Now I resist religions of any sort cos I have stopped believing in them or rather too scared to believe in them only to be disappointed or to realise that my lot in life is pre-ordained. I only want one thing in life, and no one could make it happen. So what's there to believe in life? This is a really morbid thought, but then again it's not a thought that happens to hit me randomly. I have always had morbid thoughts. When I was a young girl of about 6-7 years old, I remember always thinking that I won't live beyond 12 and when I did, the next threshold I thought I wouldn't cross was the Year 1997. For obscure reasons known only to higher powers (if they do indeed exist), 1997 meant a lot to me. Again when I survived, I thought surely my good luck would run out by the dawn of the new millenium. When I survived that year again, I really really thought I would die before 2002, before I graduated from college. Surely I must die, I wouldn't be able to live beyond age 22. But now I am still alive and kicking and I would very much like to belive it's a blessing though I very much object to the way my life has panned out, that is if I have a choice (which Nic adamantly thinks I have) and if my objection matters. I know I am worse off than many bastards but certainly very much better off than lots of pitable souls around. So that much I am thankful for. As for the rest, NO thanks!
I am crying as I am typing this. Luckily, no one's around at home and I would definitely be packed away to a mental facility. It's times like these that I really really miss G. He restored my confidence in myself and when he disappeared, he took away everything. Tell me why I shouldn't be commited to a mental house.
With each passing day, I see myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am cursed for life. Cursed by myself, cursed by the relatively smooth-sailing life I had in my early years. Now I resist religions of any sort cos I have stopped believing in them or rather too scared to believe in them only to be disappointed or to realise that my lot in life is pre-ordained. I only want one thing in life, and no one could make it happen. So what's there to believe in life? This is a really morbid thought, but then again it's not a thought that happens to hit me randomly. I have always had morbid thoughts. When I was a young girl of about 6-7 years old, I remember always thinking that I won't live beyond 12 and when I did, the next threshold I thought I wouldn't cross was the Year 1997. For obscure reasons known only to higher powers (if they do indeed exist), 1997 meant a lot to me. Again when I survived, I thought surely my good luck would run out by the dawn of the new millenium. When I survived that year again, I really really thought I would die before 2002, before I graduated from college. Surely I must die, I wouldn't be able to live beyond age 22. But now I am still alive and kicking and I would very much like to belive it's a blessing though I very much object to the way my life has panned out, that is if I have a choice (which Nic adamantly thinks I have) and if my objection matters. I know I am worse off than many bastards but certainly very much better off than lots of pitable souls around. So that much I am thankful for. As for the rest, NO thanks!
I am crying as I am typing this. Luckily, no one's around at home and I would definitely be packed away to a mental facility. It's times like these that I really really miss G. He restored my confidence in myself and when he disappeared, he took away everything. Tell me why I shouldn't be commited to a mental house.
# posted by Oddball @ 8:41 AM 
