Monday, January 10, 2005
Dear, please don't tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. This is something I most dread hearing. I hope this is not code for you want us to marry. This is such an interesting reversal of roles. Apparently in our case, the male is not the commitment phobic party in the relationship, contrary to universally accepted beliefs about attitudes of the two genders to commitment and marriage, well-founded beliefs that have their bases in evolutionary theory, physiology, psychology etc.
Let me try to rationalise it for you. I am not sure I am good enough for you. I don't have a phobia about commitment nor do I have intimacy issues. I am ready to commit but only to the right person. Simply put, I am not sure if you are the right person on whom my commitment and affection should be placed wholly. I don't think it would be misplaced if I really do that but my mind is plagued with 'what-ifs'. What if G has a change of mind? What if he comes back one day? I really believe he will one day. It's my gut feeling. It's neither far-fetched nor absurdly remote. It can happen only if we want it too. Both of us are proud people. We need someone to take the first step but neither is willing to put our pride aside to initiate something, something at all. It's so simple but yet so difficult. Which is why I find it difficult to let go cos I know I can make things right if I back down. G, I can't help but wonder, if what we share between us can be so easily overcome by pride, is it something worth holding on to? If it's something that's not held more dearly than pride, perhaps we are not right for each other. If we are we would find it in ourselves to let what we share erode this barrier of pride that's keeping us from each other. That said, Dear, don't you think it's unfair to commit yourself to a person who takes you for granted and puts you on sort of a KIV list. You deserve better, dear. Really. I feel so much guilt toward you and I am always overwhelmed by a profound sense of sadness when you try your best to make things right for us in every way. I feel all wrong inside. It's like someone wrung my gut. But I don't feel enough remorse, cos if I do, I would have left you. But I am selfish. I want to hold on to something, anything at all to stay afloat. You are such a comfort. Sometimes, I think the lack of proper closure to the relationship with G has left me blind to you. There are so many unresolved feelings and issues that I don't comprehend and this has kept me from reaching out to others. Things happened so fast. He disappeared from my life so fast and literally vanished into thin air. But I don't feel comfortable sharing these intimate thoughts about my relationship with G with you. I don't know how you might react. Let's just enjoy what we have now, shall we? Let's leave things as they are.
Let me try to rationalise it for you. I am not sure I am good enough for you. I don't have a phobia about commitment nor do I have intimacy issues. I am ready to commit but only to the right person. Simply put, I am not sure if you are the right person on whom my commitment and affection should be placed wholly. I don't think it would be misplaced if I really do that but my mind is plagued with 'what-ifs'. What if G has a change of mind? What if he comes back one day? I really believe he will one day. It's my gut feeling. It's neither far-fetched nor absurdly remote. It can happen only if we want it too. Both of us are proud people. We need someone to take the first step but neither is willing to put our pride aside to initiate something, something at all. It's so simple but yet so difficult. Which is why I find it difficult to let go cos I know I can make things right if I back down. G, I can't help but wonder, if what we share between us can be so easily overcome by pride, is it something worth holding on to? If it's something that's not held more dearly than pride, perhaps we are not right for each other. If we are we would find it in ourselves to let what we share erode this barrier of pride that's keeping us from each other. That said, Dear, don't you think it's unfair to commit yourself to a person who takes you for granted and puts you on sort of a KIV list. You deserve better, dear. Really. I feel so much guilt toward you and I am always overwhelmed by a profound sense of sadness when you try your best to make things right for us in every way. I feel all wrong inside. It's like someone wrung my gut. But I don't feel enough remorse, cos if I do, I would have left you. But I am selfish. I want to hold on to something, anything at all to stay afloat. You are such a comfort. Sometimes, I think the lack of proper closure to the relationship with G has left me blind to you. There are so many unresolved feelings and issues that I don't comprehend and this has kept me from reaching out to others. Things happened so fast. He disappeared from my life so fast and literally vanished into thin air. But I don't feel comfortable sharing these intimate thoughts about my relationship with G with you. I don't know how you might react. Let's just enjoy what we have now, shall we? Let's leave things as they are.
# posted by Oddball @ 7:47 PM 
