Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Somehow, and now it doesn't matter how, I found out he kept G's call from me. He actually did. And he called one month ago. Almost two weeks before christmas. Possibly to make plans for christmas. Possibly to wish me well. That was all I needed. You have no business answering calls on my cellphone. Those are personal calls. Private.
He looked so hurt when I confronted him that almost immediately I felt ashamed of even bringing this up. He said it slipped his mind. He didn't think it was anything important. If it was, he would have called again. It was a genuine case of unintentional oversight. He really meant to tell me about it. And he did ask G to call back. And he said it with so much sincerity I felt impelled to believe him. But still I couldn't hold back muttering something under my breath. "How convenient - sin of omission rather than commission." I came across this phrase recently in a book and I thought it aptly describes this present situation. And really it came out before I consciously knew it and immediately I wished that I could take it back. I don't really mean it that way. He heard it and turned away, disappointed and disgusted that I didn't credit him with more integrity than this. I told him I am sorry.
I find it tiring that I always have to be the person apologising in this relationship. Not that all these apologies were unwarranted. In fact, they were all rightfully due to him for very good reasons. To be more specific, I think I am tired that I have so many things to apologise for simply by being in a relationship with him. I came into his life with so much baggage from my previous relationship with G. And it's not fair to him that he has to be at the receiving end of so much crap from me. Dear, I am sorry once again. I think I said this so many times that now it trivalises the issues that I should be truly sorry for.
I feel so conflicted right now. So overwhelmed with conflicting emotions that I don't know what to make of this seeming ambivalence I feel toward this situation. I can't even begin to try to comprehend all these emotions.
All I know is that I am very disturbed and unsettled by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me for two days. No sight and no sound from him. Usually I can expect at least one call from him when he's at work. Till now, there is still no call from him since yesterday. And at home, he looks through me like I am transparent. He totally ignores me when I try to talk to him, and continues to read or type his emails intently. He turns away from me when we sleep, carefully occupying only one side of his bed. He leaves and enters the house without a trace. And he's late tonight. I can expect him to be home anytime or maybe not for a long time. Last night, he was late too. He didn't confirm dinner plans. I tried to get him to talk to me, but my efforts were rebuffed and met with a stoic silence. He doesn't answer his cellphone when I call him. His secretary screens all his calls and apparently for the last two days he's been in endless meetings, video conferences, tele conferences and what have you. His direct line is always directed to a voice message system. I don't want to have to resort to calling him from a bat line or writing him emails to force him to respond to me. I think I have really upset him this time. To even my own surprise, missing G and returning his call seem to be the furthest thing from my mind now.
He looked so hurt when I confronted him that almost immediately I felt ashamed of even bringing this up. He said it slipped his mind. He didn't think it was anything important. If it was, he would have called again. It was a genuine case of unintentional oversight. He really meant to tell me about it. And he did ask G to call back. And he said it with so much sincerity I felt impelled to believe him. But still I couldn't hold back muttering something under my breath. "How convenient - sin of omission rather than commission." I came across this phrase recently in a book and I thought it aptly describes this present situation. And really it came out before I consciously knew it and immediately I wished that I could take it back. I don't really mean it that way. He heard it and turned away, disappointed and disgusted that I didn't credit him with more integrity than this. I told him I am sorry.
I find it tiring that I always have to be the person apologising in this relationship. Not that all these apologies were unwarranted. In fact, they were all rightfully due to him for very good reasons. To be more specific, I think I am tired that I have so many things to apologise for simply by being in a relationship with him. I came into his life with so much baggage from my previous relationship with G. And it's not fair to him that he has to be at the receiving end of so much crap from me. Dear, I am sorry once again. I think I said this so many times that now it trivalises the issues that I should be truly sorry for.
I feel so conflicted right now. So overwhelmed with conflicting emotions that I don't know what to make of this seeming ambivalence I feel toward this situation. I can't even begin to try to comprehend all these emotions.
All I know is that I am very disturbed and unsettled by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me for two days. No sight and no sound from him. Usually I can expect at least one call from him when he's at work. Till now, there is still no call from him since yesterday. And at home, he looks through me like I am transparent. He totally ignores me when I try to talk to him, and continues to read or type his emails intently. He turns away from me when we sleep, carefully occupying only one side of his bed. He leaves and enters the house without a trace. And he's late tonight. I can expect him to be home anytime or maybe not for a long time. Last night, he was late too. He didn't confirm dinner plans. I tried to get him to talk to me, but my efforts were rebuffed and met with a stoic silence. He doesn't answer his cellphone when I call him. His secretary screens all his calls and apparently for the last two days he's been in endless meetings, video conferences, tele conferences and what have you. His direct line is always directed to a voice message system. I don't want to have to resort to calling him from a bat line or writing him emails to force him to respond to me. I think I have really upset him this time. To even my own surprise, missing G and returning his call seem to be the furthest thing from my mind now.
# posted by Oddball @ 8:54 PM 
