Sunday, February 20, 2005
It's been two days, and finally I feel clear-headed enough to write about it.
And so finally things became clear. He likes me and feels something for me. So I was right all along. Right since high school. But why was he so angry with me in high school? He said he has no idea too. But does he at least remember he was mean to me in high school and I went on to recount specific incidents to him. And he said he does remember and seriously to this day, he still doesn't know where all that resentment and bitterness against me stemmed from, but assured me it has since dissipated. He said he remembered I was always mad at him too and thought I wasn't interested. And we both disagree on who started it first. Haha. He said perhaps when you are starting to feel romantic feelings for someone, for eg at the start of a budding relationship, any action or inaction, as insignificant as they are, might be construed and sometimes misconstrued either way. For us, perhaps it was one way, that towards hostility and animosity, more than the other. Makes sense to me.
There was one point I got pretty emotional. We talked about the right moment passing us by, how sometimes things just come together at the right moment to make something happen. And then it seemed time just stopped and the whole world just stopped revolving. We just looked at each other, which is pretty commendable given how uncomfortable we both are with eye contact with each other. Nothing was said but so much was communicated. Tears started to well up in my eyes. I think it was awkward for both of us, for me to cry in front of him and for him to see me cry. It's like my emotions were exposed for all to see and he was intruding into a private moment. I broke the gaze out of embarrassment and he looked away quickly out of courtesy. It's like he felt exactly the way I imagined he would and he understood precisely the whirlwind of emotions sweeping me away. I took a moment to regain my composure and he discreetly offered me his hanky. A silent acknowledgement that he knew I was crying but he appreciated that I didn't want to be 'busted'. That's how sweet he is, in his own way. This is how he's different from Nic too. When Nic sees me cry he takes me into his arms quickly and tries to calms me down. The first couple of times I was uncomfortable with his attempts to pacify me, but now I am happy to get 'busted' by him. I guess we relate differently to different people.
After I felt calm enough to speak again, he said before he called me that day, he struggled with the decision. He had pretty much made up his mind, or so he thought, to break up with his present gf when he called. Not for the purpose of starting a relationship with me, but to give himself a chance to see where we might possibly lead. He seriously didn't know how things would progress as he knows I am seeing someone now. Nonethelss, he was pretty determined to break up with the gf. But over the next few days, he thought better of it. He can't bring himself to do it. They did share some good times and at one point, he said, they did share some high hopes for the relationship, and she still does actually. However when he saw me, he wavered. And it was very difficult for him to see me cry just now. But he said he really can't do this to her. Every good instinct, good nerve and voice of reason in him told him so. It's unfair to her. They have been together for 6 years and she's obsessed with marriage. He really can't do this. I told him I understand. 6 years is a long time. I don't blame him. Of course, he's emotionally invested in the relationship. Furthermore, I don't think I could bring myself to fall in love with someone who is capable of ending a relationship so abruptly and so quickly. So I told him it's a good decision he had made ultimately and I give him credit for that. He thinks that he will spend many years wondering if it's really a good decision, and only time will tell.
I told him it was difficult for me to see him and the gf together during all those social gatherings. He said he could imagine how hard it must have been. That's why he found it especially difficult to look me in the eye each time we met. He's afraid he would 'yield to temptation'. It was tough for him as well. So I was not imagining things.
He said sometimes he feels like throwing in hands up in exasperation and asking what the hell? He's not married, I am not married. So what's really stopping us. People hook up, people break up all the time. Why must he complicate matters. It's because this is not him. He's a sentimental person. A very considerate and thoughtful person. The kind of person who would marry out of obligation and stay married for the same reason too. I am the same way too. I told him what we feel for each other is a little different than what we feel for our respective halves or any halves-to-be in the future. We will always think of each other fondly as the one who wasn't meant to be but could have been. It's a special relationship. He agreed and added, ' the one you think about from time to time with a tinge of regret.'
He wanted to send me home. I told him it wasn't necessary. I prefer to be alone after the highly emotionally-charged session. And it would be weird. And truth be told, I was afraid I would break down and end up forcing us into making a bad decision in a moment of weakness. It's better to leave things at that, or is it not? Maybe like he said, only time will tell. He insisted we keep in touch though. He said 'we are special friends maintaining a special friendship.' I am fine with that but I suppose we have to draw a line somewhere and be more prudent at the kind of interaction we want to have. Frankly, I would consider the interaction we had to border on infidelity. Nothing physical, in fact there was hardly any physical contact at all. It was more of infidelity on an emotional level. At that time, I really dread going home to face Nic. I just want to be left alone.
When I was in the cab, he called me on my cellphone. He said he felt a deeper sense of loss than he did before the session. It's like this is the last chance for us and we choose to let it pass us by again. The thought of a potential disastrous mistake freaked him out.
'You think we did right? We now regret what we didn't do but should have done years ago. This is like a second chance. Can we bear this regret many years down the road?'
My voice was shaking again and I said, 'We've to move on, J--. It's difficult. Such things are never easy.'
Well, what else can I say? I just think it's a pity we were both not brave enough to confront the other earlier with the feelings we have had all these years. So lesson to be learnt from this, always trust your instincts and act on them. It's a pity really. We owed it to ourselves to explore those feelings and see where they lead us and we have no one to blame but ourselves for failing to do so. We won't spend the rest of our lives cursing ourselves but at least I think a lot of questions were remained unanswered for a very long time to come. The dinner answered some but also raised new ones. It's a pity really. Well at least I know somewhere in this world, there is someone who thinks of me wistfully every now and then. At least it brought some closure.
And so finally things became clear. He likes me and feels something for me. So I was right all along. Right since high school. But why was he so angry with me in high school? He said he has no idea too. But does he at least remember he was mean to me in high school and I went on to recount specific incidents to him. And he said he does remember and seriously to this day, he still doesn't know where all that resentment and bitterness against me stemmed from, but assured me it has since dissipated. He said he remembered I was always mad at him too and thought I wasn't interested. And we both disagree on who started it first. Haha. He said perhaps when you are starting to feel romantic feelings for someone, for eg at the start of a budding relationship, any action or inaction, as insignificant as they are, might be construed and sometimes misconstrued either way. For us, perhaps it was one way, that towards hostility and animosity, more than the other. Makes sense to me.
There was one point I got pretty emotional. We talked about the right moment passing us by, how sometimes things just come together at the right moment to make something happen. And then it seemed time just stopped and the whole world just stopped revolving. We just looked at each other, which is pretty commendable given how uncomfortable we both are with eye contact with each other. Nothing was said but so much was communicated. Tears started to well up in my eyes. I think it was awkward for both of us, for me to cry in front of him and for him to see me cry. It's like my emotions were exposed for all to see and he was intruding into a private moment. I broke the gaze out of embarrassment and he looked away quickly out of courtesy. It's like he felt exactly the way I imagined he would and he understood precisely the whirlwind of emotions sweeping me away. I took a moment to regain my composure and he discreetly offered me his hanky. A silent acknowledgement that he knew I was crying but he appreciated that I didn't want to be 'busted'. That's how sweet he is, in his own way. This is how he's different from Nic too. When Nic sees me cry he takes me into his arms quickly and tries to calms me down. The first couple of times I was uncomfortable with his attempts to pacify me, but now I am happy to get 'busted' by him. I guess we relate differently to different people.
After I felt calm enough to speak again, he said before he called me that day, he struggled with the decision. He had pretty much made up his mind, or so he thought, to break up with his present gf when he called. Not for the purpose of starting a relationship with me, but to give himself a chance to see where we might possibly lead. He seriously didn't know how things would progress as he knows I am seeing someone now. Nonethelss, he was pretty determined to break up with the gf. But over the next few days, he thought better of it. He can't bring himself to do it. They did share some good times and at one point, he said, they did share some high hopes for the relationship, and she still does actually. However when he saw me, he wavered. And it was very difficult for him to see me cry just now. But he said he really can't do this to her. Every good instinct, good nerve and voice of reason in him told him so. It's unfair to her. They have been together for 6 years and she's obsessed with marriage. He really can't do this. I told him I understand. 6 years is a long time. I don't blame him. Of course, he's emotionally invested in the relationship. Furthermore, I don't think I could bring myself to fall in love with someone who is capable of ending a relationship so abruptly and so quickly. So I told him it's a good decision he had made ultimately and I give him credit for that. He thinks that he will spend many years wondering if it's really a good decision, and only time will tell.
I told him it was difficult for me to see him and the gf together during all those social gatherings. He said he could imagine how hard it must have been. That's why he found it especially difficult to look me in the eye each time we met. He's afraid he would 'yield to temptation'. It was tough for him as well. So I was not imagining things.
He said sometimes he feels like throwing in hands up in exasperation and asking what the hell? He's not married, I am not married. So what's really stopping us. People hook up, people break up all the time. Why must he complicate matters. It's because this is not him. He's a sentimental person. A very considerate and thoughtful person. The kind of person who would marry out of obligation and stay married for the same reason too. I am the same way too. I told him what we feel for each other is a little different than what we feel for our respective halves or any halves-to-be in the future. We will always think of each other fondly as the one who wasn't meant to be but could have been. It's a special relationship. He agreed and added, ' the one you think about from time to time with a tinge of regret.'
He wanted to send me home. I told him it wasn't necessary. I prefer to be alone after the highly emotionally-charged session. And it would be weird. And truth be told, I was afraid I would break down and end up forcing us into making a bad decision in a moment of weakness. It's better to leave things at that, or is it not? Maybe like he said, only time will tell. He insisted we keep in touch though. He said 'we are special friends maintaining a special friendship.' I am fine with that but I suppose we have to draw a line somewhere and be more prudent at the kind of interaction we want to have. Frankly, I would consider the interaction we had to border on infidelity. Nothing physical, in fact there was hardly any physical contact at all. It was more of infidelity on an emotional level. At that time, I really dread going home to face Nic. I just want to be left alone.
When I was in the cab, he called me on my cellphone. He said he felt a deeper sense of loss than he did before the session. It's like this is the last chance for us and we choose to let it pass us by again. The thought of a potential disastrous mistake freaked him out.
'You think we did right? We now regret what we didn't do but should have done years ago. This is like a second chance. Can we bear this regret many years down the road?'
My voice was shaking again and I said, 'We've to move on, J--. It's difficult. Such things are never easy.'
Well, what else can I say? I just think it's a pity we were both not brave enough to confront the other earlier with the feelings we have had all these years. So lesson to be learnt from this, always trust your instincts and act on them. It's a pity really. We owed it to ourselves to explore those feelings and see where they lead us and we have no one to blame but ourselves for failing to do so. We won't spend the rest of our lives cursing ourselves but at least I think a lot of questions were remained unanswered for a very long time to come. The dinner answered some but also raised new ones. It's a pity really. Well at least I know somewhere in this world, there is someone who thinks of me wistfully every now and then. At least it brought some closure.
# posted by Oddball @ 11:55 PM 
