Thursday, March 17, 2005
Crybaby
If I could ask for anything, I would ask for the ability to not be able to cry. I am such a crybaby. Even Nic thinks so. He was mildly bewildered initially and found it whimsical in a weird way. He couldn't understand why seemingly trivial things can get me so agitated to the point I cry. Those were pesky stuff, he thought. The truth of the matter is I can't help myself. It's like a release of emotions for me. While others yell, shout or laugh or resort to violent behaviors or aggressiveness to dispel their pent-up emotions, I simply cry. My voice shakes, my mind shuts down, all my senses and logic abandon me, I start rambling and become incoherent, my overactive tear glands work doubly hard and waterworks start runnning full blast.
When I cry, it doesn't necessarily mean I am upset. I cry too when I am worked up or when I am too angry for words. When I am touched. Sometimes even when I am happy. But I hate crying. It's very exhausting, both mentally and physically and saps all my energy. And above all, it's a sign of weakness and puts me in a very vulnerable position.
Early on in my relationship with Nic, the first time he saw me cry, it freaked him out midly. He tried to pacify me quickly. But the thing is usually when I start crying, I am too worked up to listen, think or respond to affection in any sensible manner. The more you try to show me tenderness, the harder I will cry. It seems like crying was the only way for me to respond to anything. He thought crying was my tactic of trying to manipulate him or wriggle my way out of situations and he hated it. And when I feel the urge to cry, it's always a good idea I abandon all attempts at trying to talk cos it will only intensify my urge to cry. So before I end up crying uncontrollably, I will try not to talk and concentrate really hard on something else to distract my mind. Nic saw this as 'retreating into silence again' and 'closing all avenues of communication' and that by crying, I am trying to get him to accomodate me and do things my way. He thought it was 'immature and juvenile and high-school like'.
The first couple of times, he left me alone for a while (which I really appreciate when I am on the verge of tears), and came back when both of us had calmed down and we kissed and made up quickly. He did not pursue it further and we didn't really make an effort to find a suitable opportunity to talk about it.
Each time, he got more fed up with my 'games', as he called it, than the last. During one particularly intense meltdown of mine, he lost his patience after numerous attempts to pacify me and get me 'talk to him'. Now with the benefit of hindsight, I actually find it quite hilarious. I couldn't stop crying and he wouldn't let up on his attempts to get me to talk.
What happened was that he was very pissed that I disrupted his vacation plans by not going ahead with the leave that I agreed on. He had already made plans at work and he would hate to cancel the vacation. And I told him I was sorry but I really can't risk any absence from work. I really believed my job was in jeopardy. He said I 'screwed his plans'. I started crying soon (oh, what's new?) and no words came out of my mouth even if I tried to say something in between sobs and I just gave up trying and just sat on the bed and cried. He got quite worked up when he saw me crying. I still remember he said, 'there is nothing to cry over. Can we talk? I don't understand why you always have to cry.' In response, I cried harder. I was very upset and angry with the callousness he showed. As justified as he was, I couldn't help feeling upset. He was very persistent in trying to get me to talk. So of course, I had to cry more. He finally gave up and all I can remember is that I cried till I fell asleep.
When I woke up, my eyes were so swollen and red and I never looked more ghastly. He was reading beside me. When he saw that I had awaken, he put his book aside and took me into his arms. I didn't resist him. Just like that. Nothing else was said and all was mended.
Subsequently, maybe weeks later, on my own initiative, I opened the doors to a discussion on why I am such a crybaby. I told him it's not something that's within my control. I don't want to cry, but I can't help it. When I am worked up, I am just flooded with emotions. I can't articulate them and the only way that I am capable of expressing them seems to be through crying. I understand how this crying game can be construed by some as a 'tactic' to manipulate others, but I certainly don't mean it this way. I told him he doesn't have to give in to me when I am crying. I don't want him to either cos that's not my intention. Neither does he need to cajole me into stopping or attempt to talk reason into me. Cos when I start crying, I am totally impenetrable. He just has to leave me alone. But he said he has a better solution. He said he will just hold me, hug me and kiss me everytime I cry till I stop crying. He said he hated to see people cry and me especially, cos I look absolutely pitiful when I do. So that what he does now, well most of the time at least.
When I cry, it doesn't necessarily mean I am upset. I cry too when I am worked up or when I am too angry for words. When I am touched. Sometimes even when I am happy. But I hate crying. It's very exhausting, both mentally and physically and saps all my energy. And above all, it's a sign of weakness and puts me in a very vulnerable position.
Early on in my relationship with Nic, the first time he saw me cry, it freaked him out midly. He tried to pacify me quickly. But the thing is usually when I start crying, I am too worked up to listen, think or respond to affection in any sensible manner. The more you try to show me tenderness, the harder I will cry. It seems like crying was the only way for me to respond to anything. He thought crying was my tactic of trying to manipulate him or wriggle my way out of situations and he hated it. And when I feel the urge to cry, it's always a good idea I abandon all attempts at trying to talk cos it will only intensify my urge to cry. So before I end up crying uncontrollably, I will try not to talk and concentrate really hard on something else to distract my mind. Nic saw this as 'retreating into silence again' and 'closing all avenues of communication' and that by crying, I am trying to get him to accomodate me and do things my way. He thought it was 'immature and juvenile and high-school like'.
The first couple of times, he left me alone for a while (which I really appreciate when I am on the verge of tears), and came back when both of us had calmed down and we kissed and made up quickly. He did not pursue it further and we didn't really make an effort to find a suitable opportunity to talk about it.
Each time, he got more fed up with my 'games', as he called it, than the last. During one particularly intense meltdown of mine, he lost his patience after numerous attempts to pacify me and get me 'talk to him'. Now with the benefit of hindsight, I actually find it quite hilarious. I couldn't stop crying and he wouldn't let up on his attempts to get me to talk.
What happened was that he was very pissed that I disrupted his vacation plans by not going ahead with the leave that I agreed on. He had already made plans at work and he would hate to cancel the vacation. And I told him I was sorry but I really can't risk any absence from work. I really believed my job was in jeopardy. He said I 'screwed his plans'. I started crying soon (oh, what's new?) and no words came out of my mouth even if I tried to say something in between sobs and I just gave up trying and just sat on the bed and cried. He got quite worked up when he saw me crying. I still remember he said, 'there is nothing to cry over. Can we talk? I don't understand why you always have to cry.' In response, I cried harder. I was very upset and angry with the callousness he showed. As justified as he was, I couldn't help feeling upset. He was very persistent in trying to get me to talk. So of course, I had to cry more. He finally gave up and all I can remember is that I cried till I fell asleep.
When I woke up, my eyes were so swollen and red and I never looked more ghastly. He was reading beside me. When he saw that I had awaken, he put his book aside and took me into his arms. I didn't resist him. Just like that. Nothing else was said and all was mended.
Subsequently, maybe weeks later, on my own initiative, I opened the doors to a discussion on why I am such a crybaby. I told him it's not something that's within my control. I don't want to cry, but I can't help it. When I am worked up, I am just flooded with emotions. I can't articulate them and the only way that I am capable of expressing them seems to be through crying. I understand how this crying game can be construed by some as a 'tactic' to manipulate others, but I certainly don't mean it this way. I told him he doesn't have to give in to me when I am crying. I don't want him to either cos that's not my intention. Neither does he need to cajole me into stopping or attempt to talk reason into me. Cos when I start crying, I am totally impenetrable. He just has to leave me alone. But he said he has a better solution. He said he will just hold me, hug me and kiss me everytime I cry till I stop crying. He said he hated to see people cry and me especially, cos I look absolutely pitiful when I do. So that what he does now, well most of the time at least.
# posted by Oddball @ 9:57 PM 
