Sunday, March 13, 2005
I had a rough week. First week of work was rough. My boss is pretty demanding, so is his team. I am still finding the groove. They are cranky and and curt. They have no patience nor tolerance for anything that's less than prompt and efficient. It's like a mad-house there. Everyone should be in straitjackets, seriously. The pace is so fast time seems to zoom by 10 times faster. Before I know it, it's lunch time. And soon it's 6pm. And taking stock of what I have done for the day, it's really perhaps only half or slightly more than half of what I was assigned to do during the course of the day. So work gets piled up and I end up clearing backlog from the previous day(s) everyday, struggling to stay afloat and on top of things and not get buried under. It's a battle everyday.
Battle with myself to drag my feet to work. I am so god-dammned tired at the end of the day, so exhausted that I could literally feel what's left of my energy just flowing from me. Perhaps after the brief hiatus of not working, I need to adapt to working life again. Luckily, Nic gives me a ride to work everyday otherwise I would be spending a lot of money on cab fares as his apartment is too out of the way for any mode of public transportation.
Battle with my boss and his team to manage and meet their changing priorties. Everyone wants a piece of me and my time. But there's only so much of me and my time to go around. I think my boss saw that I am not holding up that well and called me in for a little pep talk on Friday after work. He said the pace here is a little fast and it's understandable that I need some time to adjust to it. But he thinks I am doing great, which is a relief.
Like what Monk says / sings, it's a jungle out there...
And as if the battles I face at work aren't enough, I have battles at the home front to deal with. Yes, battles with my biological relations. What the heck about the blood ties that bind families together. It's frustrating for me. If you can't even count on your blood relations to support you during times when you need them most, who else can you count on? No one. We are biologically related. That kind of bond is the strongest and most resilient of any shared by others in all other kinds of relationships. The same blood flows through us all. Other kinds of bonds are fragile and they can't stand up to the test of time and adversities. No matter what, families are families. They should be your first priority. At least this was what I used to think, which is partly the reason why I found it difficult to open my heart to anyone. Putting my heart out there was unthinkable. But the silly and naive me hardly realises that such a concept is built on the premise of assumption of reciprocity. If you think about it, the only thing that's constant about relationships with families, is the biological association. But feelings are what matter most. What's the use of seeking apprarent comfort in a bond that offers no solace if the feelings of love and concern are no longer there? Constancy gives us a sense of security so I guess on some level, we are all desperate to hold on to something that stays constant with the passage of time. It's very superficial actually.
So now I have wised up. Other kinds of bonds are fragile only if we choose to let them be and we choose to think they are. They could be as lasting and enduring as we want them to be. If we cast our nets wider to include non-relations, we would be surprised. That's how others find soulmates in their significant others. We just need to open our hearts. It's that easy, Nic says. But putting your heart wholeheartedly into someone is a risk. You run the risk of your investment of emotions and time backfiring on you. It makes you feel vulnerable. I told Nic how now that I have opened my heart to him, it makes feel so vulnerable. He can probably use it against me in future. He said it's human nature to feel vulnerable and apprehensive about plunging yourself headlong into a relationship. That's why we tend to hold back our emotions as an pre-emptive attempt to cut our losses should they occur (have I told you he's a true blue finance guy?). It's a protective instinct. A defense mechanism, whatever you want to call it. It's ok to feel that way. And of course, he told me again and again he loves me. How sweet.
Battle with myself to drag my feet to work. I am so god-dammned tired at the end of the day, so exhausted that I could literally feel what's left of my energy just flowing from me. Perhaps after the brief hiatus of not working, I need to adapt to working life again. Luckily, Nic gives me a ride to work everyday otherwise I would be spending a lot of money on cab fares as his apartment is too out of the way for any mode of public transportation.
Battle with my boss and his team to manage and meet their changing priorties. Everyone wants a piece of me and my time. But there's only so much of me and my time to go around. I think my boss saw that I am not holding up that well and called me in for a little pep talk on Friday after work. He said the pace here is a little fast and it's understandable that I need some time to adjust to it. But he thinks I am doing great, which is a relief.
Like what Monk says / sings, it's a jungle out there...
And as if the battles I face at work aren't enough, I have battles at the home front to deal with. Yes, battles with my biological relations. What the heck about the blood ties that bind families together. It's frustrating for me. If you can't even count on your blood relations to support you during times when you need them most, who else can you count on? No one. We are biologically related. That kind of bond is the strongest and most resilient of any shared by others in all other kinds of relationships. The same blood flows through us all. Other kinds of bonds are fragile and they can't stand up to the test of time and adversities. No matter what, families are families. They should be your first priority. At least this was what I used to think, which is partly the reason why I found it difficult to open my heart to anyone. Putting my heart out there was unthinkable. But the silly and naive me hardly realises that such a concept is built on the premise of assumption of reciprocity. If you think about it, the only thing that's constant about relationships with families, is the biological association. But feelings are what matter most. What's the use of seeking apprarent comfort in a bond that offers no solace if the feelings of love and concern are no longer there? Constancy gives us a sense of security so I guess on some level, we are all desperate to hold on to something that stays constant with the passage of time. It's very superficial actually.
So now I have wised up. Other kinds of bonds are fragile only if we choose to let them be and we choose to think they are. They could be as lasting and enduring as we want them to be. If we cast our nets wider to include non-relations, we would be surprised. That's how others find soulmates in their significant others. We just need to open our hearts. It's that easy, Nic says. But putting your heart wholeheartedly into someone is a risk. You run the risk of your investment of emotions and time backfiring on you. It makes you feel vulnerable. I told Nic how now that I have opened my heart to him, it makes feel so vulnerable. He can probably use it against me in future. He said it's human nature to feel vulnerable and apprehensive about plunging yourself headlong into a relationship. That's why we tend to hold back our emotions as an pre-emptive attempt to cut our losses should they occur (have I told you he's a true blue finance guy?). It's a protective instinct. A defense mechanism, whatever you want to call it. It's ok to feel that way. And of course, he told me again and again he loves me. How sweet.
# posted by Oddball @ 6:49 PM 
