Monday, April 25, 2005
I just heard from a girlfriend that a mutual acquaintence, who attended the same college with us, is getting married to her professor in college. And apparently, she wants to keep it hush-hush fearing the repercussions of a potential scandal if mishandled. So she chose not to have to handle it at all by keeping it a low-key affair. No reception, no nothing. If everything was her decision, she would rather just be packed away in the darkness of the night. It's the biggest scandal in our social circles at the moment.
But I couldn't care less. We weren't exactly close. She has always thought me to be too flirty to be good enough to be her friend. Interestingly enough, I am perceived by alot of people who don't know me well to be flirty. But people who know me well will actually think I am quite the opposite of that. I won't exactly say I had a reputation for being flirty in high school / junior college, cos I think to qualify for being flirty, you need to be popular with the guys, which I wasn't. That was and still is very mystifying to me. A lot of boys were pretty nice to me, very sweet and attentive initially, for 1-2 months perhaps. I didn't flirt, as in show my cleveage to them or seduce them in a sexually suggestive manner. I was a teenager then, what did I know about the art of seduction then? The girls said I was flirty cos I whined a lot (I don't know what the precise English word for that behavior is, but we call it 'teh' , or thereabouts in Cantonese), something I still do very often now with Nic, and to them, I was being flirtatious. Based on what I heard, lots of guys in my high school / junior college found me pretty and cute and most found that 'teh' charm quite irressistable initially. Lots of seniors were quite taken with me in my first 2-3 months in junior college too. But after a few months when the novelty had worn off, I supposed I got on their nerves alot and they started to become quite hostile to me. You know how silly you look when you are still blissfully unaware of how the tides have turned against you, and you still continue acting the way you have always been accustomed to and then people just snub you. That's exactly how I was made to feel a lot. After a while, even the most dense and obtuse person get the hint that people are so turned off by you. And you became withdrawn and people started labelling you as a spoilt, pampered, arrogant bitch. Of course, none of the decent and proper boys liked you. I guess that was why JJ suddenly turned hostile to me. I don't know for sure and can't be bothered to clarify that bit with him now. My gfs and I heard alot of nasty rumors about myself. Rumors about how easy I was, the fictitious bfs I had outside of school and how I spurned one poor boy etc. I felt aggrieved and indignant. I broke down in school so many times cos people were nasty to me. I was lucky I had this group of 4 gfs who supported me and we remain close to this day. It was very confounding, cos the 5 of us were in one clique, but it seemed they did not have the same bad rep I had. They were quite popular girls in school and my class. All 4 had boyfriends who fed them bits of information about the rumors about myself, and that was how I had some insights into those rumors about me. I would always make my gfs tell me what they or their bfs heard. I know it was unsavory and was apprehensive and knew for sure I was gonna go home and cry buckets over them, yet curiousity got the better of me. There was one particular rumor about how loose I was, in more ways than one. I was still so naive then and didn't really understand the pun. When my gfs explained it to me, I burst into tears immediately. I didn't even know much about the birds and the bees at that point for crying out loud! Yeah, kids can be so malicious at times.
And that 'flirty rep' stayed with me through my college years. My closest gfs understood my angst and we were indignant. But over time, I got used to it. Some interesting prospects during college, or so I thought, but the high school life story repeated itself in college again. Guys were attentive and solicitous at first, then turned lukewarm and I felt silly, then finally gave me the cold shoulder. Again, some nasty rumors about me sleeping around and being a party girl, which couldn't be further from the truth, cos I didn't really have a lot of people to party with. My close friends were attached and had their own group of friends at that time. One guy in my dorm, in a drunken state, even said it in my face when multiple attempts to ask me out were rebuffed. He called me a slut, bitch and a cocktease when I walked past him along the corridor. I wanted to say something, but was too shocked to. I should have slapped him, but I broke free and ran into my room to avoid making a commotion.
G was my first bf. First boyfriend at 22, I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I was so naive about sexual matters and he told me I was the most innocent 22-year old around. Where he came from, my level of sophistication was only equivalent to that of a 15-year old at best. Most things I knew were very technical facts I gleaned from my biology classes in junior high. More precocious 13 or 14- year olds would beat me hands-down. I stayed over so often in his apartment that I officially moved in with him in my last semester at college. I thought to myself my moving in with G would almost certainly qualify me as a slut in the eyes of my dorm mates. But I couldn't be bothered. I was happy to get away from the dorm and very much welcome the prospect of not having to spend any more time on campus than necessary. The time I spent with G was the most liberating experience I ever had up to that point. It was memorable. I love Nic wholeheartedly now, but you know how first loves are, unforgettable.
I have an important interview coming up this Friday. I should stop dwelling in the past and start thinking happy thoughts. Wish me luck!
But I couldn't care less. We weren't exactly close. She has always thought me to be too flirty to be good enough to be her friend. Interestingly enough, I am perceived by alot of people who don't know me well to be flirty. But people who know me well will actually think I am quite the opposite of that. I won't exactly say I had a reputation for being flirty in high school / junior college, cos I think to qualify for being flirty, you need to be popular with the guys, which I wasn't. That was and still is very mystifying to me. A lot of boys were pretty nice to me, very sweet and attentive initially, for 1-2 months perhaps. I didn't flirt, as in show my cleveage to them or seduce them in a sexually suggestive manner. I was a teenager then, what did I know about the art of seduction then? The girls said I was flirty cos I whined a lot (I don't know what the precise English word for that behavior is, but we call it 'teh' , or thereabouts in Cantonese), something I still do very often now with Nic, and to them, I was being flirtatious. Based on what I heard, lots of guys in my high school / junior college found me pretty and cute and most found that 'teh' charm quite irressistable initially. Lots of seniors were quite taken with me in my first 2-3 months in junior college too. But after a few months when the novelty had worn off, I supposed I got on their nerves alot and they started to become quite hostile to me. You know how silly you look when you are still blissfully unaware of how the tides have turned against you, and you still continue acting the way you have always been accustomed to and then people just snub you. That's exactly how I was made to feel a lot. After a while, even the most dense and obtuse person get the hint that people are so turned off by you. And you became withdrawn and people started labelling you as a spoilt, pampered, arrogant bitch. Of course, none of the decent and proper boys liked you. I guess that was why JJ suddenly turned hostile to me. I don't know for sure and can't be bothered to clarify that bit with him now. My gfs and I heard alot of nasty rumors about myself. Rumors about how easy I was, the fictitious bfs I had outside of school and how I spurned one poor boy etc. I felt aggrieved and indignant. I broke down in school so many times cos people were nasty to me. I was lucky I had this group of 4 gfs who supported me and we remain close to this day. It was very confounding, cos the 5 of us were in one clique, but it seemed they did not have the same bad rep I had. They were quite popular girls in school and my class. All 4 had boyfriends who fed them bits of information about the rumors about myself, and that was how I had some insights into those rumors about me. I would always make my gfs tell me what they or their bfs heard. I know it was unsavory and was apprehensive and knew for sure I was gonna go home and cry buckets over them, yet curiousity got the better of me. There was one particular rumor about how loose I was, in more ways than one. I was still so naive then and didn't really understand the pun. When my gfs explained it to me, I burst into tears immediately. I didn't even know much about the birds and the bees at that point for crying out loud! Yeah, kids can be so malicious at times.
And that 'flirty rep' stayed with me through my college years. My closest gfs understood my angst and we were indignant. But over time, I got used to it. Some interesting prospects during college, or so I thought, but the high school life story repeated itself in college again. Guys were attentive and solicitous at first, then turned lukewarm and I felt silly, then finally gave me the cold shoulder. Again, some nasty rumors about me sleeping around and being a party girl, which couldn't be further from the truth, cos I didn't really have a lot of people to party with. My close friends were attached and had their own group of friends at that time. One guy in my dorm, in a drunken state, even said it in my face when multiple attempts to ask me out were rebuffed. He called me a slut, bitch and a cocktease when I walked past him along the corridor. I wanted to say something, but was too shocked to. I should have slapped him, but I broke free and ran into my room to avoid making a commotion.
G was my first bf. First boyfriend at 22, I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I was so naive about sexual matters and he told me I was the most innocent 22-year old around. Where he came from, my level of sophistication was only equivalent to that of a 15-year old at best. Most things I knew were very technical facts I gleaned from my biology classes in junior high. More precocious 13 or 14- year olds would beat me hands-down. I stayed over so often in his apartment that I officially moved in with him in my last semester at college. I thought to myself my moving in with G would almost certainly qualify me as a slut in the eyes of my dorm mates. But I couldn't be bothered. I was happy to get away from the dorm and very much welcome the prospect of not having to spend any more time on campus than necessary. The time I spent with G was the most liberating experience I ever had up to that point. It was memorable. I love Nic wholeheartedly now, but you know how first loves are, unforgettable.
I have an important interview coming up this Friday. I should stop dwelling in the past and start thinking happy thoughts. Wish me luck!
# posted by Oddball @ 8:42 PM 
