Thursday, May 05, 2005
Apparently Nic still finds it difficult to reconcile the image of me crying to my declaration that I am able to be strong if I want to. It makes him laugh whenever he thinks about it, he said.
Yesterday, he couldn't help grinning when he saw me putting on my make-up. He said it reminded him how different I looked from just the night before when I was bawling. And he couldn't stop smiling to himself while he was in the elevator with his colleagues. Today, he was still very much amused by the whole episode and chuckled to himself in the office on more than one occasion, one of which was witnessed by his secretary who must have thought her boss had gone bonkers due to work stress.
'No offense dearie. It's so incredibly hilarious. You are so cute, little doll.' More hugs and kisses followed by more ha ha ha and haha. For how long am I going to be punished for this act of bad judgement?? This started off as something very serious. How did it turn out to be a joke? And is this good or bad? I think he finds me cuter and more endearing after this incident but I also think he's gonna be reminded of this everytime I cry or when I try to talk to him seriously that he's no longer able to take whatever I say or do seriously? I don't want this to be at the core of my whole identity. No, that's not me!!!
And he's going to Hongkong again next Monday, and will be back on Thursday. Be very sure you are there to work, Nic. Don't ever let me find out you have another gf on the side (as if my threat would work, I can almost imagine him laughing his head off..sighs). Not that he's given me any reason to doubt him. But you can never be too sure. Those stories I hear from my gfs are scary, especially for caucasians.
In other news, I saw someone I really hate yesterday. Let's call him T. This person and his group of friends, of which JJ was and is still a part, used to be really mean to me when we were in high school. I really hate him. He made me feel so lousy about myself. There was this time I attended a school concert with a boy from another school and I saw T and his obnoxious group of friends there. We went up to say 'hi' to them and he remarked that I looked so sexy and immediately rolled his eyes and turned away pretending to vomit. Everyone laughed. I was so embarrassed. So utterly humiliated in front of my date. Everyone found it fuckin funny with the exception of me and my date. We walked away quickly. JJ was there too but things between us were already pretty tense then so it was understandable he didn't stand up for me. By the way what I wore wasn't even remotely sexy. It was just a black sleeveless top and jeans. That's how mean they were.
So yesterday I saw this person with the same group of friends, JJ included, at the alfresco area of a cafe. We saw each other from a distance and I could see them whispering among themselves and looking back at me again. It would be quite rude to walk another way as it was pretty apparent I was heading in their direction in the first place. So I went up to them and said an awkward hi. A lukewarm reaction from them and some of them, including T, were looking at me in a very rude way, up and down. I felt so vulnerable by their mental undressing of me. You would expect JJ to be a warmer towards me, you know after all we had some romantic history of some sort. That was what I expected. But he gave me sheepish hi only. We chatted for a short while and I quickly bade a hasty bye. What jerks.
And shortly after that, JJ texted me and asked if I was alright cos I seemed really upset. You are damn right I was. I ignored his message. And he sent me more, all in the same vein. I still ignored all of them and about an hour later, he actually called. He said something about how it's so like me to always not talk to him and then turn around to blame him. I got so angry and I retorted,' who do you think you are to me to talk to me like that?' and I ended the call. And he didn't call again. I felt like telling him to come back and say you want to talk after you have broken up with your gf. But of course, I didn't. I don't want him to do that. I can't make sense of my feelings. I am angry with him, not only him, but the whole group of friends he chooses to befriend. Angry with him for keeping his distance from me in the presence of that group of friends. Anyway he's another jerk.
My old demons in the past seem to be catching up with me these days. And I am starting to feel quite lousy about myself. Just stay out of my life alright? Leave the past in the past, ok? My life is pretty good now so just stay away, demons. Yes, JJ included. I won and you lost, that's all I wanted to prove and shove in your face. So don't say you care cos you didn't and now it's too late to want to. Don't turn my life upside down. Just stay away.
Yesterday, he couldn't help grinning when he saw me putting on my make-up. He said it reminded him how different I looked from just the night before when I was bawling. And he couldn't stop smiling to himself while he was in the elevator with his colleagues. Today, he was still very much amused by the whole episode and chuckled to himself in the office on more than one occasion, one of which was witnessed by his secretary who must have thought her boss had gone bonkers due to work stress.
'No offense dearie. It's so incredibly hilarious. You are so cute, little doll.' More hugs and kisses followed by more ha ha ha and haha. For how long am I going to be punished for this act of bad judgement?? This started off as something very serious. How did it turn out to be a joke? And is this good or bad? I think he finds me cuter and more endearing after this incident but I also think he's gonna be reminded of this everytime I cry or when I try to talk to him seriously that he's no longer able to take whatever I say or do seriously? I don't want this to be at the core of my whole identity. No, that's not me!!!
And he's going to Hongkong again next Monday, and will be back on Thursday. Be very sure you are there to work, Nic. Don't ever let me find out you have another gf on the side (as if my threat would work, I can almost imagine him laughing his head off..sighs). Not that he's given me any reason to doubt him. But you can never be too sure. Those stories I hear from my gfs are scary, especially for caucasians.
In other news, I saw someone I really hate yesterday. Let's call him T. This person and his group of friends, of which JJ was and is still a part, used to be really mean to me when we were in high school. I really hate him. He made me feel so lousy about myself. There was this time I attended a school concert with a boy from another school and I saw T and his obnoxious group of friends there. We went up to say 'hi' to them and he remarked that I looked so sexy and immediately rolled his eyes and turned away pretending to vomit. Everyone laughed. I was so embarrassed. So utterly humiliated in front of my date. Everyone found it fuckin funny with the exception of me and my date. We walked away quickly. JJ was there too but things between us were already pretty tense then so it was understandable he didn't stand up for me. By the way what I wore wasn't even remotely sexy. It was just a black sleeveless top and jeans. That's how mean they were.
So yesterday I saw this person with the same group of friends, JJ included, at the alfresco area of a cafe. We saw each other from a distance and I could see them whispering among themselves and looking back at me again. It would be quite rude to walk another way as it was pretty apparent I was heading in their direction in the first place. So I went up to them and said an awkward hi. A lukewarm reaction from them and some of them, including T, were looking at me in a very rude way, up and down. I felt so vulnerable by their mental undressing of me. You would expect JJ to be a warmer towards me, you know after all we had some romantic history of some sort. That was what I expected. But he gave me sheepish hi only. We chatted for a short while and I quickly bade a hasty bye. What jerks.
And shortly after that, JJ texted me and asked if I was alright cos I seemed really upset. You are damn right I was. I ignored his message. And he sent me more, all in the same vein. I still ignored all of them and about an hour later, he actually called. He said something about how it's so like me to always not talk to him and then turn around to blame him. I got so angry and I retorted,' who do you think you are to me to talk to me like that?' and I ended the call. And he didn't call again. I felt like telling him to come back and say you want to talk after you have broken up with your gf. But of course, I didn't. I don't want him to do that. I can't make sense of my feelings. I am angry with him, not only him, but the whole group of friends he chooses to befriend. Angry with him for keeping his distance from me in the presence of that group of friends. Anyway he's another jerk.
My old demons in the past seem to be catching up with me these days. And I am starting to feel quite lousy about myself. Just stay out of my life alright? Leave the past in the past, ok? My life is pretty good now so just stay away, demons. Yes, JJ included. I won and you lost, that's all I wanted to prove and shove in your face. So don't say you care cos you didn't and now it's too late to want to. Don't turn my life upside down. Just stay away.
# posted by Oddball @ 9:52 PM 
