Thursday, May 19, 2005
Is it not a big deal to you? You son of a bitch, And you bitch. It's not as simple as it looks. It's no big deal to you. Cos you are already there. It's just a job to you but it's lots more for others. It's a calling, an aspiration that's dying to be fulfilled since they were young, a flaming desire that refuses to be snuffed out despite the odds stacked against them. You have opened the doors to less qualified and less deserving people. You bitch! It's not even your money, damn it. Well I am completely disillusioned and disenchanted with all notions of fairness and whatever spiel about the plans from higher powers. I should go throw myself off a building. I am so goddamned unstable. There's no bloody god-damned such a bloody piece of ass shit. Who's qualified and who's not? I was so naive. And I will have to pay for it for the rest of my life. For how long do I have to be punished for it? It doesn't make sense to you. Cos you think I am desperate. Guess what, I really am goddamned fucking bloody desperate, you bitch and bastard! Time after time. don't you see the sincerity. She obviously has what it takes. You are so god dammned bloody cruel. Go to hell!
Why does everyone have it so easy while I have it so hard? It's a curse. Don't fucking say I didn't do my best. You don't know how I gave more than my best. Why do others sail smoothly while I always invariably crash midair? So you wonder why I bother setting myself up for disappointments in the first place? Cos I would like to think I am tough, indomitable and resillient. I refuse to be defeated. I am optimistic, cos I force myself to be. But when you are disappointed time and again the way I was, you start to think perhaps adopting a defeatist attitude in the first place may actually save you quite a lot of heartache subsequently. This point forward, I will just drift along aimlessly, no hopes, no expectations, just waiting for death or higher powers to reclaim me. Whenever that maybe. I refuse to set myself up for heartaches and disappointments again. It rips through your whole being and you just crumble. Each time, I glued the pieces of myself together, and move on. But you know the human spirit is fragile. The innate tenacity it was borned with gets eroded over time, failure after failure. There's only so much of destruction it can take. Beyond that breaking point, the human spirt self-destructs and the soul is no more. It's just a lifeless human form with no goals, no aspirations. In short, just drifting along. Let's see where life takes her.
Nic, I still love you. I truly do. But I don't know if I can survive this. It's too much for one person to bear, one spirit to withstand. But I can't share it with anyone else. I have such a whole lot of bullshit pride that I hate myself so much for it. It only magnifies the pain. Sometimes I really wonder how I am still alive after all this loathing I have for myself. Damn this world. Damn the system. Damn everyone who squashed my dreams time and again. Damn all those that stood in my way to my dreams. Damn this society and its ridiculous pressure to conform. Don't fucking talk to me about innovation and whatnot when this is not a society that embraces it in the first place. You are not as good as you are cracked up to be. Passion was all I had, was all that kept me going. Damn you for snuffing it out bit by bit. Damn you seriously. Love doesn't overcome all odds cos failure and dejection overcomes it. I am thoroughly defeated and I am depleted of all strength. I can't live this way anymore. But I still love you, that is if the higher powers allow me to. That is if I allow myself to. You will always be the Prince Charming on the white horse, just like old times, long long time ago.
So see you in Paradise, if that exists.
You know what a goddammned bloody good way to start a day.
Why does everyone have it so easy while I have it so hard? It's a curse. Don't fucking say I didn't do my best. You don't know how I gave more than my best. Why do others sail smoothly while I always invariably crash midair? So you wonder why I bother setting myself up for disappointments in the first place? Cos I would like to think I am tough, indomitable and resillient. I refuse to be defeated. I am optimistic, cos I force myself to be. But when you are disappointed time and again the way I was, you start to think perhaps adopting a defeatist attitude in the first place may actually save you quite a lot of heartache subsequently. This point forward, I will just drift along aimlessly, no hopes, no expectations, just waiting for death or higher powers to reclaim me. Whenever that maybe. I refuse to set myself up for heartaches and disappointments again. It rips through your whole being and you just crumble. Each time, I glued the pieces of myself together, and move on. But you know the human spirit is fragile. The innate tenacity it was borned with gets eroded over time, failure after failure. There's only so much of destruction it can take. Beyond that breaking point, the human spirt self-destructs and the soul is no more. It's just a lifeless human form with no goals, no aspirations. In short, just drifting along. Let's see where life takes her.
Nic, I still love you. I truly do. But I don't know if I can survive this. It's too much for one person to bear, one spirit to withstand. But I can't share it with anyone else. I have such a whole lot of bullshit pride that I hate myself so much for it. It only magnifies the pain. Sometimes I really wonder how I am still alive after all this loathing I have for myself. Damn this world. Damn the system. Damn everyone who squashed my dreams time and again. Damn all those that stood in my way to my dreams. Damn this society and its ridiculous pressure to conform. Don't fucking talk to me about innovation and whatnot when this is not a society that embraces it in the first place. You are not as good as you are cracked up to be. Passion was all I had, was all that kept me going. Damn you for snuffing it out bit by bit. Damn you seriously. Love doesn't overcome all odds cos failure and dejection overcomes it. I am thoroughly defeated and I am depleted of all strength. I can't live this way anymore. But I still love you, that is if the higher powers allow me to. That is if I allow myself to. You will always be the Prince Charming on the white horse, just like old times, long long time ago.
So see you in Paradise, if that exists.
You know what a goddammned bloody good way to start a day.
# posted by Oddball @ 10:12 AM 
