Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Last night, he apologised when I went back to bed. He knew exactly how to turn me all soft and teary-eyed. And when I tried to explain how I felt to him, I just started crying. But I really wanted him to listen to what I had to say.
So I said (or tried to say) 'You can't talk to me like that. You can't be nice and tender to me when you feel like it and toss me aside callously when you don't. You can't treat your gf like that. I have options. I don't have to be with you if I feel that I am getting the shorter end of the stick. My life is not exactly stellar at the moment but I am doing something to resurrect it. I can be strong if I want to.' And in the middle of all this, I thought it seemed like I was trying to convince myself more rather than him. Quite ironically, I burst into full sobbing mode right after that last sentence about me being able to be strong. He found it quite funny too and stifled a little laugh. I wanted to say more but didn't know how to continue. So luckily for me, he took me into his arms and helped me bring my monologue to a less awkward close, not before telling me 'you are so cute. I am nuts over you.'
But I still wished I managed to say more before I started crying. It was so awkward for me trying to find the right things to say and the right words to use. I don't know, but I get this distinct feeling he doesn't take me seriously when I cry and talk at the same time. It's as though he dismissed it as some incoherent rambling borned more out of the need to vent my frustrations. And I can't blame him. I mean nobody takes such a person seriously really. Even I don't. When you are bawling your eyes out, even you can't take yourself too seriously, let other others.
He said he was sorry again. It's just that he had a particularly long day, at least it felt that way to him, after the long weekend. It seemed he had endless things to do. So that 'fuckin' word just rolled off his tongue and slipped out of his mouth. Where he came from, it wasn't a big deal. But if I find it offensive, he will respect it and will be mindful of this in future.
If you are sorry, you are forgiven. And so he was forgiven.
I am insecure about us. Now, I have a clearer idea of why. Nic did mention earlier on in our relationship that the first thing that drew him to me was my innocent, almost angel-like demeanour. He found that very endearing and cute and very rare. I think he meant my somewhat childish and pampered behavior. But that's just Nic, you know. He can find something good to say about every flaw everyone else has. He knows how to sugar-coat things. Now I am scared the one thing about me that he found so appealing in the beginning may actually turn out to be the one attribute in me that puts him off. All that whiney ways are all part of the child-like and innocent demeanour. You can't hate part of it and love the rest. You can't separate them like this. It's the whole package. It's who I am.
Very confused.
So I said (or tried to say) 'You can't talk to me like that. You can't be nice and tender to me when you feel like it and toss me aside callously when you don't. You can't treat your gf like that. I have options. I don't have to be with you if I feel that I am getting the shorter end of the stick. My life is not exactly stellar at the moment but I am doing something to resurrect it. I can be strong if I want to.' And in the middle of all this, I thought it seemed like I was trying to convince myself more rather than him. Quite ironically, I burst into full sobbing mode right after that last sentence about me being able to be strong. He found it quite funny too and stifled a little laugh. I wanted to say more but didn't know how to continue. So luckily for me, he took me into his arms and helped me bring my monologue to a less awkward close, not before telling me 'you are so cute. I am nuts over you.'
But I still wished I managed to say more before I started crying. It was so awkward for me trying to find the right things to say and the right words to use. I don't know, but I get this distinct feeling he doesn't take me seriously when I cry and talk at the same time. It's as though he dismissed it as some incoherent rambling borned more out of the need to vent my frustrations. And I can't blame him. I mean nobody takes such a person seriously really. Even I don't. When you are bawling your eyes out, even you can't take yourself too seriously, let other others.
He said he was sorry again. It's just that he had a particularly long day, at least it felt that way to him, after the long weekend. It seemed he had endless things to do. So that 'fuckin' word just rolled off his tongue and slipped out of his mouth. Where he came from, it wasn't a big deal. But if I find it offensive, he will respect it and will be mindful of this in future.
If you are sorry, you are forgiven. And so he was forgiven.
I am insecure about us. Now, I have a clearer idea of why. Nic did mention earlier on in our relationship that the first thing that drew him to me was my innocent, almost angel-like demeanour. He found that very endearing and cute and very rare. I think he meant my somewhat childish and pampered behavior. But that's just Nic, you know. He can find something good to say about every flaw everyone else has. He knows how to sugar-coat things. Now I am scared the one thing about me that he found so appealing in the beginning may actually turn out to be the one attribute in me that puts him off. All that whiney ways are all part of the child-like and innocent demeanour. You can't hate part of it and love the rest. You can't separate them like this. It's the whole package. It's who I am.
Very confused.
# posted by Oddball @ 9:42 PM 
