Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Last night I had a really really bad nightmare. I still remember how scared I was in the dream. I felt so helpless, so weak, and was a total wreck cos Nic was not with me. I had no idea where he had gone to. It seemed he just disappeared. And I was crying in my dream, frantically looking for him everywhere, but not sure where to look. And I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach, a profound and very deep sense of loss, and extreme sadness and guilt and regret cos I remembered I have not told him I love him. Then it seemed like I knew I was in a dream, and I remembered distinctly willing myself to wake up from this nightmare and all will be right and fine. So I woke up, with some traces of tears in my eyes. I was very emotional and realised quickly to my immense relief, it was just a dream, and Nic was sleeping peacefully by my side. I quickly sprawled myself over his chest and hugged him tightly.
He stirred a little and muttered sleepily, 'what?'.
I said,' Nothing. I love you so much.'
'Ok, noted. And I love you too.'
'Just want let you know.'
'I know, or you wouldn't be telling me at 4am in the morning. You know I love you too.' We chuckled a little and slept again.
I just love him so very much. I love him more than I did yesterday. This dream made me realise that. It seems that I love him a little more everyday. How much can I possibly love him, how much more than I already do now??? How much more before there just isn't any more love inside me to give. Or if you truly love, the love is present in abundance and inexhaustible. But I won't tell him about the dream. I don't want him to know just how much I love him to the extent that he has even insinuated himself insidiously into my dreams. I don't want to be vulnerable. I am afraid to get too attached to him. So this is love. You love and yet you are scared to love and be loved and to show your love. This must be love. This is love. When G left me, one particular song resonated repeatedly in my head...'I will never love this way again.' But last night, I realised I will. In fact, I have. But this also brings upon me the sad realisation that one's place in another's heart can be replaced just like that. It makes me feel all the more vulnerable.
He stirred a little and muttered sleepily, 'what?'.
I said,' Nothing. I love you so much.'
'Ok, noted. And I love you too.'
'Just want let you know.'
'I know, or you wouldn't be telling me at 4am in the morning. You know I love you too.' We chuckled a little and slept again.
I just love him so very much. I love him more than I did yesterday. This dream made me realise that. It seems that I love him a little more everyday. How much can I possibly love him, how much more than I already do now??? How much more before there just isn't any more love inside me to give. Or if you truly love, the love is present in abundance and inexhaustible. But I won't tell him about the dream. I don't want him to know just how much I love him to the extent that he has even insinuated himself insidiously into my dreams. I don't want to be vulnerable. I am afraid to get too attached to him. So this is love. You love and yet you are scared to love and be loved and to show your love. This must be love. This is love. When G left me, one particular song resonated repeatedly in my head...'I will never love this way again.' But last night, I realised I will. In fact, I have. But this also brings upon me the sad realisation that one's place in another's heart can be replaced just like that. It makes me feel all the more vulnerable.
# posted by Oddball @ 10:15 PM 
