Sunday, May 29, 2005
Nic is away in Sydney and will be back only on Saturday. One week without him, time will really crawl. I really need company. I am so bored. I am pms-ing. I feel hungry all the time. My stomach is bloated. My boobs feel swollen and could possibly be one cup bigger - about the only thing Nic likes about my PMS. So you could imagine how sore he fucked me before he left. And I suspect he's very glad I would be having my menses during the week he's gone (my menses usually puts both of us out of action until it ends) so that there won't be a chance of me being out of action when he comes back, after starving for one week.
I just want one thing in my life to go well. Either one or the other.
Sometimes, I really hope I don't meet JJ anymore, be it coincidentally or intentionally. But sometimes I still look forward to seeing him and still feel a little nervous around him. I don't know what I feel toward him. I definitely still miss G alot, more than JJ. But I think of JJ more. My ambivalence is so going to cost my relationship with Nic one day. It's just a matter of when, if I continue this way.
I am fine when I don't see them together. But whenever I see them together, this rage and insane jealousy just rip through me. Not that it's of any relevance, but most people think J and me look very compatible together, more than JJ and her definitely.
I have no idea what came over me, but I texted JJ a message just now.
'Tell her to stop dressing like a whore. It's an embarrassment to you. I hate her.'
'Not that I agree, but why do you care?'
I must have come across as a spiteful bitch. And momentarily, I felt ashamed of myself. Like I overstepped my mark when it wasn't my place to give such comments.I don't know how to reply to his message, so I left it. A while later, he sent me another message.
'You don't want me to break up with her. You don't want me to be with her. You don't want to be with me. So why do you care? What do you want me to do!'
Moments later, when I still had not replied, he called me. So we agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow. Frankly, I don't really want to, but I don't know how to go reject him. It seemed like a sensible thing to do, to meet and talk and get everything out in the open. I really can't date him, but I can't bear him dating her, specifically her. I would find it easier to stomach if he dated somebody else. Maybe I will call and cancel on him tomorrow.
I just want one thing in my life to go well. Either one or the other.
Sometimes, I really hope I don't meet JJ anymore, be it coincidentally or intentionally. But sometimes I still look forward to seeing him and still feel a little nervous around him. I don't know what I feel toward him. I definitely still miss G alot, more than JJ. But I think of JJ more. My ambivalence is so going to cost my relationship with Nic one day. It's just a matter of when, if I continue this way.
I am fine when I don't see them together. But whenever I see them together, this rage and insane jealousy just rip through me. Not that it's of any relevance, but most people think J and me look very compatible together, more than JJ and her definitely.
I have no idea what came over me, but I texted JJ a message just now.
'Tell her to stop dressing like a whore. It's an embarrassment to you. I hate her.'
'Not that I agree, but why do you care?'
I must have come across as a spiteful bitch. And momentarily, I felt ashamed of myself. Like I overstepped my mark when it wasn't my place to give such comments.I don't know how to reply to his message, so I left it. A while later, he sent me another message.
'You don't want me to break up with her. You don't want me to be with her. You don't want to be with me. So why do you care? What do you want me to do!'
Moments later, when I still had not replied, he called me. So we agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow. Frankly, I don't really want to, but I don't know how to go reject him. It seemed like a sensible thing to do, to meet and talk and get everything out in the open. I really can't date him, but I can't bear him dating her, specifically her. I would find it easier to stomach if he dated somebody else. Maybe I will call and cancel on him tomorrow.
# posted by Oddball @ 11:17 PM 
