Saturday, May 21, 2005
Well, I just snapped again. Just like that. No warning. I was talking to a gf about it and G came up in the conversation. And I got emotional thinking about him again, and how different things would have been if I had made a different decision 3 years ago. I got all choked up and ended the conversation quickly. After I put down the phone, I burst into tears immediately. Nic, being the ever sweet, loving and supportive bf, comforted me as I snuggled into him. Of course, I didn't tell him G's relation to this whole issue. He just understood it as something that I have always wanted to do as a little girl. As a little girl, I had a lot of aspirations, all so diverse and varied in nature and form. But this was one thing that really stood out.
He thinks I am too stressed out. And I should seriously consider seeing a therapist. It's a recurring issue with me. So I should just fix it at the root of the problem. I think I should too. I just feel bad that with his workload, he still has to deal with this one helluva psychotic nutcase gf. And he's so sweet, I tell you. When I said 'psychotic nutcase gf', I saw him wince. He said, ' Don't ever speak of yourself like that. It hurts me more than you think. You are not a psychotic nutcase. You are just feeling a lot of pent-up stress, and we are talking about years of them and you just need some direction in your life now. You will find it.' Just like the time when I asked him if I looked 'whorish' in a particular dress, he said with a grimace in his face, ' Don't talk this way about yourself. It's not a nice word to use on anyone, and certainly not you.' And this is the same person, who sometimes punctuates his sentences with 'fuckin' too much. He says there are lines to be drawn. 'Fucking' is still considered acceptable to him.
Whatever did I do right to deserve someone like him? It's really not easy to forget G. I still think about the bits and pieces of our more memorable times together. But it doesn't mean my feelings for Nic are just an illusion. They are real. I just need time.
And my boss mentioned yesterday during lunch that he sees this melancholy on my face, even when I am smiling my broadest of smiles. Not just yesterday, but mostly everyday. So he was just wondering if I am bothered by something. So perceptive he is. No wonder he's boss. I guess I need a shrink soon.
He thinks I am too stressed out. And I should seriously consider seeing a therapist. It's a recurring issue with me. So I should just fix it at the root of the problem. I think I should too. I just feel bad that with his workload, he still has to deal with this one helluva psychotic nutcase gf. And he's so sweet, I tell you. When I said 'psychotic nutcase gf', I saw him wince. He said, ' Don't ever speak of yourself like that. It hurts me more than you think. You are not a psychotic nutcase. You are just feeling a lot of pent-up stress, and we are talking about years of them and you just need some direction in your life now. You will find it.' Just like the time when I asked him if I looked 'whorish' in a particular dress, he said with a grimace in his face, ' Don't talk this way about yourself. It's not a nice word to use on anyone, and certainly not you.' And this is the same person, who sometimes punctuates his sentences with 'fuckin' too much. He says there are lines to be drawn. 'Fucking' is still considered acceptable to him.
Whatever did I do right to deserve someone like him? It's really not easy to forget G. I still think about the bits and pieces of our more memorable times together. But it doesn't mean my feelings for Nic are just an illusion. They are real. I just need time.
And my boss mentioned yesterday during lunch that he sees this melancholy on my face, even when I am smiling my broadest of smiles. Not just yesterday, but mostly everyday. So he was just wondering if I am bothered by something. So perceptive he is. No wonder he's boss. I guess I need a shrink soon.
# posted by Oddball @ 11:20 AM 
