Sunday, June 05, 2005
Been worried sick the last couple of days. Just worried sick.
Worried that the Bank will decide to not renew my contract or convert me to a permanent staff, and I will be back to being part of the unemployment figures. I know I said I don't care, and I tried so hard to convince myself I don't. But in actual fact, I do care a lot. I have not had any major screw-ups so far, but I think I know where I stand as far as the congeniality factor is concerned ie not so good. And the decision for or against my continued employment with them hinges on that as much as my work performance. I think my boss (ie the Associate Director, who's also the boss of most people in that department, except for the Director, but the Director doesn't really care about such things as he has one secretary for his exclusive use) has the final word on this, and he likes me but there are still things like team cohesiveness issues he has to think about. And I am not too optimistic about this. Moment of truth for this matter is Monday. All will be clear then.
Second thing that has been bugging me to no end is - I have not had my period which was supposed to have started like more than one week ago. I don't know exactly when, but it just feels like I should be having my period soon. I can't remember the exact date of my last one. It's not pitter pat regular for me anyway. So I don't know what's freaking me out. Perhaps I have been expecting it for close to 10 days already. And I go crazy picturing the worst scenario, and I really do have a very overactive imagination. The disapproval from my family, ridicule from others, Nic's reaction - what would we do?, my readiness to be a mum (this word totally freaks me out!), babies, delivering omg!... I would get so agitated and then I would start thinking about work to take my mind off the period, and would get so nervous again and then start thinking about my period again. I tried to recall all that we did the last month. We were safe, have always been. There were no accidents, no indiscretion. Perhaps some errant sperm managed to find its way into me. I am so unlucky in that way, you know. The most impossible things have very good odds of materialising on me.
The fact that Nic wasn't around made it worse. The first matter is only about work but the second one is potentially life-changing. When Nic came back on Saturday in the late evening, I was filled with anxiety, apprehension and relief all at the same time. It was one big mess of feelings and emotions I had in me. I didn't know how to bring it up, but I mustered enough courage to do so finally at bedtime.
'Is that what's been bothering you? You should have told me when it first bothered you. How late is it?'
'I don't know.'
'Then how do you know it's late?'
'I just know. I just know I should be having it soon, but I am not. So it's late. I don't know. It just feels like I should be having it soon.'
'Ok, do you want to go to the doctor's?'
'I don't know.' Then I started sobbing. I was so scared and it was like the enormity of the whole situation suddenly dawned on me.He then kissed me and hugged me while I continued to burst into full crying mode.
He said there's absolutely nothing to cry about. I should stop scaring myself. We have always been careful. But if it happens, it happens, we will deal with it together. Perhaps my stress and paranoia are delaying my period. The first thing we should do is go to the doc's. And we can decide on our next course of action after that. I know it's very silly but I think the first thought that races through most girls at the first hint of a pregnancy is - will their bfs leave them? And Nic said, 'Of course not. You are so stuck with me. You can't get rid of me.' This kind of reassurance when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis is priceless. It's so precious.
And the work issue is even more of a non-issue, Nic said. It's just a job. If you are extended, you continue, otherwise you move on and find another one. It's nothing to fret over. It's so wonderful the way he approaches any problem. He makes everything seem so easy, so manageable. He calls it putting them in perspective. I felt so much better after talking to him.
So we will be going to the doc's tomorrow during lunch. (I refuse to do the pregnancy test kit, cos I know it's not 100% reliable and I will not feel at ease with whatever result I get) Nic had wanted to go today. But I suggested waiting for another day. Till now, it has not started. I am so scared.
Worst case scenario for tomorrow: My boss is gonna give me the sack and the doc is going to tell me I am pregnant. First one I can handle, second one I will need sometime to come to terms with it.
Worried that the Bank will decide to not renew my contract or convert me to a permanent staff, and I will be back to being part of the unemployment figures. I know I said I don't care, and I tried so hard to convince myself I don't. But in actual fact, I do care a lot. I have not had any major screw-ups so far, but I think I know where I stand as far as the congeniality factor is concerned ie not so good. And the decision for or against my continued employment with them hinges on that as much as my work performance. I think my boss (ie the Associate Director, who's also the boss of most people in that department, except for the Director, but the Director doesn't really care about such things as he has one secretary for his exclusive use) has the final word on this, and he likes me but there are still things like team cohesiveness issues he has to think about. And I am not too optimistic about this. Moment of truth for this matter is Monday. All will be clear then.
Second thing that has been bugging me to no end is - I have not had my period which was supposed to have started like more than one week ago. I don't know exactly when, but it just feels like I should be having my period soon. I can't remember the exact date of my last one. It's not pitter pat regular for me anyway. So I don't know what's freaking me out. Perhaps I have been expecting it for close to 10 days already. And I go crazy picturing the worst scenario, and I really do have a very overactive imagination. The disapproval from my family, ridicule from others, Nic's reaction - what would we do?, my readiness to be a mum (this word totally freaks me out!), babies, delivering omg!... I would get so agitated and then I would start thinking about work to take my mind off the period, and would get so nervous again and then start thinking about my period again. I tried to recall all that we did the last month. We were safe, have always been. There were no accidents, no indiscretion. Perhaps some errant sperm managed to find its way into me. I am so unlucky in that way, you know. The most impossible things have very good odds of materialising on me.
The fact that Nic wasn't around made it worse. The first matter is only about work but the second one is potentially life-changing. When Nic came back on Saturday in the late evening, I was filled with anxiety, apprehension and relief all at the same time. It was one big mess of feelings and emotions I had in me. I didn't know how to bring it up, but I mustered enough courage to do so finally at bedtime.
'Is that what's been bothering you? You should have told me when it first bothered you. How late is it?'
'I don't know.'
'Then how do you know it's late?'
'I just know. I just know I should be having it soon, but I am not. So it's late. I don't know. It just feels like I should be having it soon.'
'Ok, do you want to go to the doctor's?'
'I don't know.' Then I started sobbing. I was so scared and it was like the enormity of the whole situation suddenly dawned on me.He then kissed me and hugged me while I continued to burst into full crying mode.
He said there's absolutely nothing to cry about. I should stop scaring myself. We have always been careful. But if it happens, it happens, we will deal with it together. Perhaps my stress and paranoia are delaying my period. The first thing we should do is go to the doc's. And we can decide on our next course of action after that. I know it's very silly but I think the first thought that races through most girls at the first hint of a pregnancy is - will their bfs leave them? And Nic said, 'Of course not. You are so stuck with me. You can't get rid of me.' This kind of reassurance when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis is priceless. It's so precious.
And the work issue is even more of a non-issue, Nic said. It's just a job. If you are extended, you continue, otherwise you move on and find another one. It's nothing to fret over. It's so wonderful the way he approaches any problem. He makes everything seem so easy, so manageable. He calls it putting them in perspective. I felt so much better after talking to him.
So we will be going to the doc's tomorrow during lunch. (I refuse to do the pregnancy test kit, cos I know it's not 100% reliable and I will not feel at ease with whatever result I get) Nic had wanted to go today. But I suggested waiting for another day. Till now, it has not started. I am so scared.
Worst case scenario for tomorrow: My boss is gonna give me the sack and the doc is going to tell me I am pregnant. First one I can handle, second one I will need sometime to come to terms with it.
# posted by Oddball @ 9:24 PM 
