Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Can you believe this? My dad actually called me last night to make sure I had duly returned Nic the money as promised. Just to put an end to this ridiculous situation, I told him yes. He seemed very proud of himself to have made his wayward daughter see light. Oh purrrleeeeaassse...
Technically, I did return the money to Nic, but he has yet to accept it. And he insisted last night he won't accept the money, but relented somewhat when I told him how much better it would make me feel if he did. I really don't need more emotional strong-arming from my dad now. He suggested getting me another present but this time we will just keep it hush hush between the two of us. Isn't this pathetic? I can't even be openly happy about a gift from my bf. But there really isn't anything I would really like now, so it's really no point wasting more money at this point. Nic offered to leave the money with me and I can buy whatever I fancy when I feel like it. I told him 'no' immediately.
Me,' My dad would go ballistic if he finds out you give me money.'
Nic,'Well don't tell him then. You're a grown-up already, Mich. You don't have to tell him everything. You don't even have to tell him I refuse to accept your money. This point forward, just tell him whatever he absolutely needs to know.'
So true right?
Damn it, but parents just have this way about making us feel bad about lying to them. At least my folks seem to have this hold on me. Not that I am unwilling to part with the 2000 bucks. If it will indeed keep my self-respect and dignity intact (like what my dad said, but which I totally disagree), that's a small price to pay. But it just isn't that way. I don't see how all this relates to dignity and self-respect. So what purpose does it serve. What will it accomplish?? It's just not the way he understands it to be. This is so frustrating!!! He is just totally on the wrong frequency and barking up the wrong tree. I feel so bad for talking this way about him (see how powerful his hold over me is) but since I can't ever bring myself to say it to your face, I need an alternative outlet. And this outlet is as private and as obscure as it can possibly get.
$2000 dollars is a big deal to an unemployed person. It's like slightly more than half of what I used to draw in my previous job, and 80% of my secretarial position at the bank. If I knew I was going to have to cough up the money for my birthday present, I would never have accepted it nor asked for it in the first place. It's just too frivolously extravagant a purchase. My heart is so gonna ache each time I see that bag now.
I need to find a job fast before my well runs dry. Though by normal standards, I am pretty confident my savings are above the average of people my age. I am just so insecure when it comes to money. Oh yes, and dad didn't neglect to mention that I am out of a job. I want to work too. I so desperately wanted that contract position with the bank to work out and I was so sad it didn't work out. But there's nothing I can do about it. It's gone. I do want stability in my life too. It's so unsettling, not to mention troublesome, to drift in and out of jobs. I tried to make it work, so don't tell me I didn't.
I still have no idea what kinda job would be right for me. For a 25-year old (turning 26 in a 2 days), that's bad news. I am not ambitious. I just want something stable.
**************
Sometimes I wonder if I am overly confident about Nic and me. My gfs think so. They said I made the same mistake with G, and I should refrain from repeating the mistake again.
G wasn't ready for marriage / engagement, and I so totally regret pushing him into it. If I could turn back the clock, I would have done things differently for sure. So now I have learnt to stop thinking I can change guys. I used to think if you love me enough, you would want to marry me. But now I have come to realise such things just don't work that way. Relationships are complex, and human dynamics, which are at the centre of all relationships are even more so. G would make a very good partner, a partner for life. He had no issues with committment, but I guess in his books, commitment doesn't equate to marriage. Marriage entails a different sort of mentality altogether. And he told me this right from the start. He said he thought we had a common understanding. He could be my partner for life, but marriage and kids were out of the question. Silly and naive me thought he could be persuaded, and for a while he thought he was successfully 'reformed' too. But it wasn't as easy as we thought it to be.
So now with Nic, I try not to force him into anything. Part of me wants reassurance from him that he will marry me in the future. Another part of me doesn't want to be too pushy. Actually all I want to know is that he will be there for me when I need him to be. That's good enough for me. To me, that's commitment. However, I think it's human nature to want to have some sort of guarantee of this commitment, to make sure that it's forthcoming when we need it, and to many, marriage seems to be the logical way of enforcing such a commitment from both parties. So what I am saying is - if I can have a sure way of knowing for a fact that he will always be there for me, it's fine with me if marriage is not in the cards. It really is fine with me. I could live with this present arrangement forever. I really could. Again, one could argue that if he's not ready to ink his commitment, he's not ready to follow it through. True also, but as I said before, some people are just not that sort of family / marriage person. The thought of marriage freaks them out. But that doesn't preclude them from being good partners who will be there to support you through life's difficult moments. I guess I am contradicting myself. That's women for you. We believe whatever we want to believe. We rationalise things in our favor.
I hope the ladies out there don't think that I am spoiling the market for them. *grins*
Having said the above, not expecting marriage doesn't mean I don't expect absolute fidelity. In my books, if you cheat on me, you don't love me enough to consider my feelings. It's as simple as that. Of course, I understand some other couples in may operate on very different dynamics, but for me and Nic, this is so straightfoward. Totally no ambiguity where this is concerned.
Technically, I did return the money to Nic, but he has yet to accept it. And he insisted last night he won't accept the money, but relented somewhat when I told him how much better it would make me feel if he did. I really don't need more emotional strong-arming from my dad now. He suggested getting me another present but this time we will just keep it hush hush between the two of us. Isn't this pathetic? I can't even be openly happy about a gift from my bf. But there really isn't anything I would really like now, so it's really no point wasting more money at this point. Nic offered to leave the money with me and I can buy whatever I fancy when I feel like it. I told him 'no' immediately.
Me,' My dad would go ballistic if he finds out you give me money.'
Nic,'Well don't tell him then. You're a grown-up already, Mich. You don't have to tell him everything. You don't even have to tell him I refuse to accept your money. This point forward, just tell him whatever he absolutely needs to know.'
So true right?
Damn it, but parents just have this way about making us feel bad about lying to them. At least my folks seem to have this hold on me. Not that I am unwilling to part with the 2000 bucks. If it will indeed keep my self-respect and dignity intact (like what my dad said, but which I totally disagree), that's a small price to pay. But it just isn't that way. I don't see how all this relates to dignity and self-respect. So what purpose does it serve. What will it accomplish?? It's just not the way he understands it to be. This is so frustrating!!! He is just totally on the wrong frequency and barking up the wrong tree. I feel so bad for talking this way about him (see how powerful his hold over me is) but since I can't ever bring myself to say it to your face, I need an alternative outlet. And this outlet is as private and as obscure as it can possibly get.
$2000 dollars is a big deal to an unemployed person. It's like slightly more than half of what I used to draw in my previous job, and 80% of my secretarial position at the bank. If I knew I was going to have to cough up the money for my birthday present, I would never have accepted it nor asked for it in the first place. It's just too frivolously extravagant a purchase. My heart is so gonna ache each time I see that bag now.
I need to find a job fast before my well runs dry. Though by normal standards, I am pretty confident my savings are above the average of people my age. I am just so insecure when it comes to money. Oh yes, and dad didn't neglect to mention that I am out of a job. I want to work too. I so desperately wanted that contract position with the bank to work out and I was so sad it didn't work out. But there's nothing I can do about it. It's gone. I do want stability in my life too. It's so unsettling, not to mention troublesome, to drift in and out of jobs. I tried to make it work, so don't tell me I didn't.
I still have no idea what kinda job would be right for me. For a 25-year old (turning 26 in a 2 days), that's bad news. I am not ambitious. I just want something stable.
**************
Sometimes I wonder if I am overly confident about Nic and me. My gfs think so. They said I made the same mistake with G, and I should refrain from repeating the mistake again.
G wasn't ready for marriage / engagement, and I so totally regret pushing him into it. If I could turn back the clock, I would have done things differently for sure. So now I have learnt to stop thinking I can change guys. I used to think if you love me enough, you would want to marry me. But now I have come to realise such things just don't work that way. Relationships are complex, and human dynamics, which are at the centre of all relationships are even more so. G would make a very good partner, a partner for life. He had no issues with committment, but I guess in his books, commitment doesn't equate to marriage. Marriage entails a different sort of mentality altogether. And he told me this right from the start. He said he thought we had a common understanding. He could be my partner for life, but marriage and kids were out of the question. Silly and naive me thought he could be persuaded, and for a while he thought he was successfully 'reformed' too. But it wasn't as easy as we thought it to be.
So now with Nic, I try not to force him into anything. Part of me wants reassurance from him that he will marry me in the future. Another part of me doesn't want to be too pushy. Actually all I want to know is that he will be there for me when I need him to be. That's good enough for me. To me, that's commitment. However, I think it's human nature to want to have some sort of guarantee of this commitment, to make sure that it's forthcoming when we need it, and to many, marriage seems to be the logical way of enforcing such a commitment from both parties. So what I am saying is - if I can have a sure way of knowing for a fact that he will always be there for me, it's fine with me if marriage is not in the cards. It really is fine with me. I could live with this present arrangement forever. I really could. Again, one could argue that if he's not ready to ink his commitment, he's not ready to follow it through. True also, but as I said before, some people are just not that sort of family / marriage person. The thought of marriage freaks them out. But that doesn't preclude them from being good partners who will be there to support you through life's difficult moments. I guess I am contradicting myself. That's women for you. We believe whatever we want to believe. We rationalise things in our favor.
I hope the ladies out there don't think that I am spoiling the market for them. *grins*
Having said the above, not expecting marriage doesn't mean I don't expect absolute fidelity. In my books, if you cheat on me, you don't love me enough to consider my feelings. It's as simple as that. Of course, I understand some other couples in may operate on very different dynamics, but for me and Nic, this is so straightfoward. Totally no ambiguity where this is concerned.
# posted by Oddball @ 12:26 PM 
