Thursday, June 09, 2005
My replacement started yesterday. She's very pretty and is 3 years older than me, and seems to be quite likeable around the department. But then again, I was pretty well-liked initially. Familiarity breeds contempt, I think. There is just something very wrong about the way people relate to me. Is there anything I can do to change their perception of me?? I don't really have that much to hand over to her anyway. Everything is pretty organised around the department. She can definitely find her way around.
Everyday, I tell Nic that I have a strong feeling my period is gonna start the next day, and at the end of the next day, I am left disappointed. I have never looked forward to my period more. Could I really be pregnant?
And last night, before I could reaffirm my strong feelings about this to him again, he said 'Sweetie, yes you have a strong gut feeling that your period's gonna start tomorrow. But that's what you said yesterday and the day before too. Your gut feeling is not that accurate. Why don't you just go to the doc's and put an end to this once and for all? Spare yourself the distress.'
And it suddenly occured to me that's the approach I take with my fears or problems too. Instead of confronting them, I hide behind some false sense of security that 'more frequently springs from habit than from conviction' - from George Eliot. And I believe whatever I want to believe until the truth cannot be denied any longer.
I believed that G and I were so perfect together until it's so obvious we weren't. I believed I was intelligent enough to do what I have always wanted to do until I had been disappointed for the third time, and I am ashamed to say, after the third time I am still in denial, still not absolutely convinced about my lack of intellect for that sort of thing, and would most probably set myself up for a major heartbreak a fourth time. I believed I am made for greater things until reality proved me wrong time and again. I believed I can be well-liked and popular, until the ostracism I received defeated me time and again. I belive I have become more beautiful and am no longer the toad I was thought to be, until I look into the mirror and realise I am still that insecure and ugly duck I was and have always been actually. I believe Nic truly loves me, I still do, I guess until he shows me he doesn't. So one day, Nic, when you stop loving me, just show me so. Chase me out of your house, two time me, flirt with another girl under my nose, do something proactive and indisputable to show me. Don't bother telling me cos I will just hear whatever makes me feel better. Don't bother giving me the cold shoulder, cos my thick skull won't get it. Go for the jugular. Go for the kill.
Oh why am I rambling on and on? So melodramatic again.
Quite interestingly, this suspicion of a potential pregnancy has not disrupted our fuck schedule one bit. I think deep down, neither of us believe I am pregnant. I am still paranoid about it. Nic is totally cool about it. Will I believe it only when it starts to show? I think Nic doesn't think I am pregnant, but if I am he feels he's prepared to deal with it. My head is one complex mess now.
Nic was very tickled when I told him how uncomfortable the word 'fuck' makes my girlfriend feel. He said he would understand if that makes her feel awkward when said in polite company, but bfs and gfs should be able to feel comfortable saying anything to each other. Both of us feel 'make love' is so cliche, while 'have sex' is so crude. There is just something very raw, sexy and passionate about 'fuck'. Whatever makes us tick, I guess. And I am happy the same things make us tick.
PS: And we feel 'screw' is just too ...erm.. technical? LOL.
Everyday, I tell Nic that I have a strong feeling my period is gonna start the next day, and at the end of the next day, I am left disappointed. I have never looked forward to my period more. Could I really be pregnant?
And last night, before I could reaffirm my strong feelings about this to him again, he said 'Sweetie, yes you have a strong gut feeling that your period's gonna start tomorrow. But that's what you said yesterday and the day before too. Your gut feeling is not that accurate. Why don't you just go to the doc's and put an end to this once and for all? Spare yourself the distress.'
And it suddenly occured to me that's the approach I take with my fears or problems too. Instead of confronting them, I hide behind some false sense of security that 'more frequently springs from habit than from conviction' - from George Eliot. And I believe whatever I want to believe until the truth cannot be denied any longer.
I believed that G and I were so perfect together until it's so obvious we weren't. I believed I was intelligent enough to do what I have always wanted to do until I had been disappointed for the third time, and I am ashamed to say, after the third time I am still in denial, still not absolutely convinced about my lack of intellect for that sort of thing, and would most probably set myself up for a major heartbreak a fourth time. I believed I am made for greater things until reality proved me wrong time and again. I believed I can be well-liked and popular, until the ostracism I received defeated me time and again. I belive I have become more beautiful and am no longer the toad I was thought to be, until I look into the mirror and realise I am still that insecure and ugly duck I was and have always been actually. I believe Nic truly loves me, I still do, I guess until he shows me he doesn't. So one day, Nic, when you stop loving me, just show me so. Chase me out of your house, two time me, flirt with another girl under my nose, do something proactive and indisputable to show me. Don't bother telling me cos I will just hear whatever makes me feel better. Don't bother giving me the cold shoulder, cos my thick skull won't get it. Go for the jugular. Go for the kill.
Oh why am I rambling on and on? So melodramatic again.
Quite interestingly, this suspicion of a potential pregnancy has not disrupted our fuck schedule one bit. I think deep down, neither of us believe I am pregnant. I am still paranoid about it. Nic is totally cool about it. Will I believe it only when it starts to show? I think Nic doesn't think I am pregnant, but if I am he feels he's prepared to deal with it. My head is one complex mess now.
Nic was very tickled when I told him how uncomfortable the word 'fuck' makes my girlfriend feel. He said he would understand if that makes her feel awkward when said in polite company, but bfs and gfs should be able to feel comfortable saying anything to each other. Both of us feel 'make love' is so cliche, while 'have sex' is so crude. There is just something very raw, sexy and passionate about 'fuck'. Whatever makes us tick, I guess. And I am happy the same things make us tick.
PS: And we feel 'screw' is just too ...erm.. technical? LOL.
# posted by Oddball @ 10:08 PM 
