Friday, July 15, 2005
I am expecting news from two interviews I attended in the course of this week. I have no clear idea when they will inform me of the outcome, but I suppose it will be soon. That was what they said. Whatever soon meant.
Feeling pretty ambivalent about those two interviews actually. On the one hand, they are stable positions, on the other; I honestly, if I have a choice, would rather not have a secretarial job. Once typecast in that sort of role, it would be hard to jump out and steer your career in a different direction. But Nic thought it would be a good idea if I can get one of the secretarial jobs. Cos when I was in my previous job, we were both so busy we were hardly able to make time for each other. If I land a secretarial job, at least we can stop planning our time together around two very busy schedules, which is a major challenge. I think he meant I can then just plan my life around his.
Some secretaries have very long hours too. But I see his point actually. It's not as important as his high-power role, so it can afford to take a back seat after the demands of his job and our relationship.
For some reason, Nic started talking about kids yesterday. I teased him that his paternal instincts were kicking in and he laughed. He said it's really true that people need different things at different stages of their lives. Ahh... the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Ten years ago, he would never have imagined himself to be the sort settling down to a family. It was virtually inconceivable. To one woman yes, but never about starting a family.
I feel so comfortable with Nic. I love him certainly. I would definitely hate to see him upset. If he's upset, I am jittery all day. If he's happy, his happiness is infectious. He has always been there for me when I need him to. He's fun to be around, except for his cranky days. His mere presence is just a lot comfort during my bad days. He's mature, serious and rational - perfect complement to me. We never run out of interesting things to talk about. Sometimes it got so interesting, I thought we should take it slower so that we would never run out of stuff to talk about.
So I guess if he really were to ask me to marry him, it wouldn't be such a hard decision for me. Moreover, I am in a 'settling down' mood myself these days. Getting married seems to be a way of sealing the deal. No more changing of minds. No more going back on promises. Oh for a second, I forgot the option of divorce which will always remain available to us. Everything is transient. Nothing is timeless.
My point is I can certainly envisage a future with Nic, growing old with him, giggling and laughing my life through with him as a witness to mine and me to his. It's exciting. (We need a witness to our lives - was it from Shall We Dance?) But the one thing I can't possibly imagine is having kids in the picture. Not just with Nic per se, but just that the thought of the fucked-up me being a mom to anyone is beyond my wildest imagination.
Sometimes I think I am living such a wasted life, just slowing wasting away. But if I were to point out specific things in my life I am unhappy about, I realise I am very fortunate compared to lots others and really have no reason to whine and complain about. So it's life in monotone - nothing to be joyful about, nothing to be upset about either.
Feeling pretty ambivalent about those two interviews actually. On the one hand, they are stable positions, on the other; I honestly, if I have a choice, would rather not have a secretarial job. Once typecast in that sort of role, it would be hard to jump out and steer your career in a different direction. But Nic thought it would be a good idea if I can get one of the secretarial jobs. Cos when I was in my previous job, we were both so busy we were hardly able to make time for each other. If I land a secretarial job, at least we can stop planning our time together around two very busy schedules, which is a major challenge. I think he meant I can then just plan my life around his.
Some secretaries have very long hours too. But I see his point actually. It's not as important as his high-power role, so it can afford to take a back seat after the demands of his job and our relationship.
For some reason, Nic started talking about kids yesterday. I teased him that his paternal instincts were kicking in and he laughed. He said it's really true that people need different things at different stages of their lives. Ahh... the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Ten years ago, he would never have imagined himself to be the sort settling down to a family. It was virtually inconceivable. To one woman yes, but never about starting a family.
I feel so comfortable with Nic. I love him certainly. I would definitely hate to see him upset. If he's upset, I am jittery all day. If he's happy, his happiness is infectious. He has always been there for me when I need him to. He's fun to be around, except for his cranky days. His mere presence is just a lot comfort during my bad days. He's mature, serious and rational - perfect complement to me. We never run out of interesting things to talk about. Sometimes it got so interesting, I thought we should take it slower so that we would never run out of stuff to talk about.
So I guess if he really were to ask me to marry him, it wouldn't be such a hard decision for me. Moreover, I am in a 'settling down' mood myself these days. Getting married seems to be a way of sealing the deal. No more changing of minds. No more going back on promises. Oh for a second, I forgot the option of divorce which will always remain available to us. Everything is transient. Nothing is timeless.
My point is I can certainly envisage a future with Nic, growing old with him, giggling and laughing my life through with him as a witness to mine and me to his. It's exciting. (We need a witness to our lives - was it from Shall We Dance?) But the one thing I can't possibly imagine is having kids in the picture. Not just with Nic per se, but just that the thought of the fucked-up me being a mom to anyone is beyond my wildest imagination.
Sometimes I think I am living such a wasted life, just slowing wasting away. But if I were to point out specific things in my life I am unhappy about, I realise I am very fortunate compared to lots others and really have no reason to whine and complain about. So it's life in monotone - nothing to be joyful about, nothing to be upset about either.
# posted by Oddball @ 2:38 PM 
