Sunday, July 17, 2005
I have changed my mind. Now I desperately want at least one of the secretarial positions to work out. So I really really hope it does.
And I am ashamed to say I have been neglecting Nic's pet project lately. I am now convinced I have neither the technical expertise nor the patience and resilience to see this lil' project through. I might have to just abort this plan, and I have sort of mentally prepared Nic for the prospect of it not materialising.
He's pretty cool about it, as he always is about stuff in general. I guess one good thing about being in a relationship with an older guy is their 'been-there-done-that' attitude toward most things. He's just totally cool about things. He doesn't pick fights with me over nitty gritties, but makes it a point (given he remembers) to raise it with me on another occasion, is sensitive (most of the times granted but still...), is very mature in the way he handles conflicts and is generally good at maintaining the day-to-day harmony (part of his there's a time to fight and a time to walk away philosophy - something that rings very true with most matters couples encounter on a day-to-day basis). Ok, maybe not all older men are as mature as Nic, and not all men my age are not as mature. But this seems true to some extent based on my own experiences and my gfs'.
And when you promise to do sweet nice things for them, they are happy and appreciative and usually try to respond with some sort of reciprocity. But when for some reason, you fail to deliver your promises, they are not disappointed or unhappy cos perhaps their past experiences have already prepared them for that grim possibility. This has happened a lot of times with Nic, and with G too. Or maybe I am just lucky. I try not to take advantage of it, and I mean this sincerely when I say this, and he knows it. But you know things happen and sometimes they don't. You get the drift.
Except that at times, I gotta admit it unsettles me a little to know that our relationship isn't as combative as any normal relationship should be. Sometimes, a little dissonance is healthy. I don't know really. I guess I am just paranoid. I am scared when we argue, and is insecure when we don't argue enough. But now, I will take harmony and peace over dissonance any day.
I am thinking of perhaps singing Come Prima for Nic for his birthday to make up for not delivering the birthday collection album. I have not totally given up on compiling that album, just that I don't think I will be able to do it by his birthday. So it will still be something I will do for him as a bonus, though only as and when I can find time to. Plus a present with a budget of about $1000. I think I can get something pretty decent with that budget, which is reasonable considering he spent almost twice that for my birthday. I think this would make him a very happy man.
Come Prima is quite suitable, I think. It fits the occasion. It's romantic. I love it, he does too, and really it pretty much conveys what I feel toward him too, except for the insinuations about first loves. But Nic knows he's not my first love, so I don't think he will be overly hung-up on this. We are both too old to still feel jealous about our first loves. His first love was pretty unforgettable for him too, and I don't believe he doesn't think about her from time to time. And I am fine with that, really, cos I do that sometimes, and more so lately, myself. Like what he said, 'Everyone comes with some baggage.'
And I don't feel any less for Nic than I do for G. So I don't think it's disingenuous to sing it to Nic. They are probably on equal footing in my heart, perhaps with Nic weighing slightly more even. And I would still sing it for G, but the feelings it will invoke in me when I sing it will be a little different than when I sing it for Nic. For Nic, it will absolutely be romantic and full of love; for G, it would more be in wistful memory of a past relationship. You know the crap about first loves.
And I am ashamed to say I have been neglecting Nic's pet project lately. I am now convinced I have neither the technical expertise nor the patience and resilience to see this lil' project through. I might have to just abort this plan, and I have sort of mentally prepared Nic for the prospect of it not materialising.
He's pretty cool about it, as he always is about stuff in general. I guess one good thing about being in a relationship with an older guy is their 'been-there-done-that' attitude toward most things. He's just totally cool about things. He doesn't pick fights with me over nitty gritties, but makes it a point (given he remembers) to raise it with me on another occasion, is sensitive (most of the times granted but still...), is very mature in the way he handles conflicts and is generally good at maintaining the day-to-day harmony (part of his there's a time to fight and a time to walk away philosophy - something that rings very true with most matters couples encounter on a day-to-day basis). Ok, maybe not all older men are as mature as Nic, and not all men my age are not as mature. But this seems true to some extent based on my own experiences and my gfs'.
And when you promise to do sweet nice things for them, they are happy and appreciative and usually try to respond with some sort of reciprocity. But when for some reason, you fail to deliver your promises, they are not disappointed or unhappy cos perhaps their past experiences have already prepared them for that grim possibility. This has happened a lot of times with Nic, and with G too. Or maybe I am just lucky. I try not to take advantage of it, and I mean this sincerely when I say this, and he knows it. But you know things happen and sometimes they don't. You get the drift.
Except that at times, I gotta admit it unsettles me a little to know that our relationship isn't as combative as any normal relationship should be. Sometimes, a little dissonance is healthy. I don't know really. I guess I am just paranoid. I am scared when we argue, and is insecure when we don't argue enough. But now, I will take harmony and peace over dissonance any day.
I am thinking of perhaps singing Come Prima for Nic for his birthday to make up for not delivering the birthday collection album. I have not totally given up on compiling that album, just that I don't think I will be able to do it by his birthday. So it will still be something I will do for him as a bonus, though only as and when I can find time to. Plus a present with a budget of about $1000. I think I can get something pretty decent with that budget, which is reasonable considering he spent almost twice that for my birthday. I think this would make him a very happy man.
Come Prima is quite suitable, I think. It fits the occasion. It's romantic. I love it, he does too, and really it pretty much conveys what I feel toward him too, except for the insinuations about first loves. But Nic knows he's not my first love, so I don't think he will be overly hung-up on this. We are both too old to still feel jealous about our first loves. His first love was pretty unforgettable for him too, and I don't believe he doesn't think about her from time to time. And I am fine with that, really, cos I do that sometimes, and more so lately, myself. Like what he said, 'Everyone comes with some baggage.'
And I don't feel any less for Nic than I do for G. So I don't think it's disingenuous to sing it to Nic. They are probably on equal footing in my heart, perhaps with Nic weighing slightly more even. And I would still sing it for G, but the feelings it will invoke in me when I sing it will be a little different than when I sing it for Nic. For Nic, it will absolutely be romantic and full of love; for G, it would more be in wistful memory of a past relationship. You know the crap about first loves.
# posted by Oddball @ 1:09 AM 
