Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

One word. Relief. Weekend zoomed by without any mention of the much dreaded talk about oral loving. He didn't try to make any moves either. So obviously I tried not to trigger it off. Perhaps he's come round to it. Everything was normal or seemingly normal. Or perhaps he's hoping to give me sometime to come round to his idea. Well, at this point, I am still not inclined toward that prospect.

But his libido seemed to be on a crazy high over the weekend and subsided a little only last night. I wonder if the sudden peak in libido suggests anything. Was the last week a particularly stressful week for him? Not that I know of, unless it pertains to the dreadful talk. Then again, I was the one who seemed more uncomfortable of the two of us. Could be his work. Or maybe not. He's not one to let work upset him easily. He didn't seem upset, but just seemed really tired and stressed out. And we didn't really talk alot. He seemed too tired and preoccupied to want to. And I was happy not to talk, lest the conversation ventured into my uncomfortable territory. It was just a lot of sex, more than usual. Was almost a little too much, but frankly speaking, I don't really mind, so long as no oral is involved. I may be oversensitive, but I seemed to get this distinct impression, in between and during sessions, that he's somewhat unhappy with me. I don't know if angry is the right word. But yeah, sometimes even angry. I might be over-reading it, but he seemed more forceful and less passionate and gentle. I didn't sense tenderness in his caresses or his kisses. I can't really put a finger to it. Let's hope it's paranoia.

Do guys suffer (well I don't think he's exactly sufferring per se; better word should be 'experience') from such swings in libido too? The few times this happened, things were pretty passionate. But this time, passion seemed to be lacking. It's more of anger, I don't know.

I think it should be fine. He called in the afternoon and I didn't detect anything out of the ordinary.

It's so difficult to write about this. I don't even know how to begin.

Nic and I had a most awkward, and in retrospect, somewhat disturbing talk about an issue of a very sensitive nature last night. Our sex life, that is. This is so embarrassing for me. Who do I talk to about such things? I mean about the specifics of the acts? I mean I talk to my gfs about it in general, but not at that level of detail about the act itself. It's a private matter. Call me inhibited, I indeed am, at least where such matters are concerned.

We were in bed, just lying beside each other idly. I had almost drifted away to slumberland, when he pulled me up to straddle him. I continued to sleep with my cheek pressed onto his chest, while he stroked my hair lightly. I just felt something wasn't right, so I looked up at him.

He smiled and said, 'Don't take this the wrong way, Honey.'

I knew then something must be wrong. I quickly sat up, forced a smile and a tentative 'Yes?'.

He pulled me closer to his face, and stroked my arms gently, and continued to say, ' You think we should maybe like add some variety to our sex?'

'You think it's boring?' To be frank, I was quite embarrassed, and I had a pretty good inkling of where the conversation was heading. The same stuff we talked about early in our relationship less than one year ago. That our sex life is lacking in oral sex. Other than that, it's not boring at all. It's hardly vanilla, just that the idea of oral sex, both giving and receiving. puts me off. It's almost repulsive to me. It's not for religious reasons. It's just my personal preference. This was never any much of an issue between G and I. The last time we spoke, Nic and I agreed that I shouldn't feel compelled to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I should have seen it coming. He had tried on numerous ocassions prior to this to get me to do it or to do it to me and each time I resisted and he left it at that.

' No, it's great. Just that we could try something new.' He paused and looked at me meaningfully and said, 'You know what I am talking about. Can we talk about it again?'

'I don't want to talk about it. I just don't like it. It's a matter of personal preference.'

'Why can't we talk about it? You should feel comfortable enough to talk about anything with me, babe.' Then he tickled me in the ribs, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

I brushed his hand away and said,' I just don't like it.'

'Can we take it one step at a time then?' He then rolled me on my back. I tried to relax as he kissed me but as he headed down, I could sense all my muscles tense. I got really uncomfortable with this, and was mildly freaked out. I got him to stop and sat up promptly.

'Are you shy?', he asked me, as he put his my face between his hands.

'No.' I am very sure I was blushing then.

'Great, cos I have seen all of you that there's to see. Help me understand why you are so averse to it. C'mon, we should be able to talk about anything.'

He paused, waiting for a response from me. I really dread talking about such stuff. I really wanted to dig a hole and hide in there. I just continued to look down. 'Mich, couples talk about such things openly. I really find your reticence whenever we broach such topics difficult to comprehend, honey.' He held my hand and shook it lightly in an attempt to prod me into saying something.

It was the most difficult conversation I ever had to have. I told him for one, I don't feel very comfortable scrutinising someone's privates or having someone scrutinise my privates. It's too intimate. To that, he laughed, seemingly at the ludicrousness of the idea and he said ,' you are telling me what we have been doing all the while and in fact just did, the actual act of copulation is not intimate? You can scrutinise mine anytime.' He added cheekily, 'I am up for it anytime, and pun intended.' Actually, I found it rather funny too and had to stifle my laugh a little too. But the truth of the matter is that I get even uncomfortable too, or shy as he puts it, when he stares down south at me for a little longer than necessary. Stroking of the thighs and all is still ok but I squirm a little if he touches me too intimately. I don't have a body image problem but in my opinion, that region is very private and I consider it rude to intrude or be intruded. Seriously, I could never imagine how anyone would find it sexy to go down on anyone or find someone who gives blowjobs sexy.

Also, I find it incredibly humiliating and demeaning. How anyone would find the act itself appealing is beyond me. It makes me feel cheap. It's, for lack of a better word, dirty. It's disgusting and repulsive, not to mention unhygienic. It will cause tummyaches, I am certain of that. How can anyone swallow that. It's so wrong. It's so sick. I feel nauseous just thinking about it really. I am not prudish but it's really a matter of personal preference. It's not any different from preferring one brand of cosmetics to the other or favoring fish over beef. There's really no accounting for tastes (excuse the pun). I find it distasteful, in every sense of the word. I also tried telling him all of the above. Well in not so many words, cos I was wary that he may feel insulted or offended. It's not about him, he's very clean, I know. He doesn't smell, well I think not at least, but I don't want to know for sure. It's me, tell me to do it during shower, and I will still puke. There is just something not right about putting your mouth, through which you ingest food, to your genitalia and around the region where waste materials are excreted. Yes I think that's the reason why I find it so repulsive. I fumbled with an explanation about all of the above. I don't know how much he understood. I don't think it made a lot of sense to him from where he stands.

Anyway, I think he got tired and had problems keeping his eyes open (I guess it's not particularly a big turn-on when your gf runs down blowjobs like that), and I was slightly relieved. He said we should talk about it again when I'm ready (I don't think that will be a reality anytime soon). That he understood what I said (I seriously doubt it). It's not a big deal, but definitely is an issue we have to work through. Still, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, but it's something I have to help him understand (then help me understand why it's such an obsession for you). Being in a committed relationship means it's not only about one person. It means that there are issues we have to address as a couple...blah blah blah. Decisions we make as a couple etc etc etc Ok, the conversation up until this point, was only awkward but it turned disturbing and unsettled me greatly when I heard him say something about 'sexual compatibility'. It was like my eyes suddenly shot open. I can't really remember how he put it, but it was about how sexual compatibility is one issue that will impact on the relationship in the long-term or something to that effect. My mind was really a blur after that.

Now, that could be interpreted as a thinly-veiled threat in my opinion. I have a good radar for such threats. So is he insinuating that it would be the end of the road for us if we don't resolve this the way he wants us to? Very disturbing. Great, so my relationship is going to fall apart cos I won't have oral sex. Jerk.

This is driving me over the brink. Thank god for the interviews I have lined up for myself next week. I need a job fast.

It's been two days, and finally I feel clear-headed enough to write about it.

And so finally things became clear. He likes me and feels something for me. So I was right all along. Right since high school. But why was he so angry with me in high school? He said he has no idea too. But does he at least remember he was mean to me in high school and I went on to recount specific incidents to him. And he said he does remember and seriously to this day, he still doesn't know where all that resentment and bitterness against me stemmed from, but assured me it has since dissipated. He said he remembered I was always mad at him too and thought I wasn't interested. And we both disagree on who started it first. Haha. He said perhaps when you are starting to feel romantic feelings for someone, for eg at the start of a budding relationship, any action or inaction, as insignificant as they are, might be construed and sometimes misconstrued either way. For us, perhaps it was one way, that towards hostility and animosity, more than the other. Makes sense to me.

There was one point I got pretty emotional. We talked about the right moment passing us by, how sometimes things just come together at the right moment to make something happen. And then it seemed time just stopped and the whole world just stopped revolving. We just looked at each other, which is pretty commendable given how uncomfortable we both are with eye contact with each other. Nothing was said but so much was communicated. Tears started to well up in my eyes. I think it was awkward for both of us, for me to cry in front of him and for him to see me cry. It's like my emotions were exposed for all to see and he was intruding into a private moment. I broke the gaze out of embarrassment and he looked away quickly out of courtesy. It's like he felt exactly the way I imagined he would and he understood precisely the whirlwind of emotions sweeping me away. I took a moment to regain my composure and he discreetly offered me his hanky. A silent acknowledgement that he knew I was crying but he appreciated that I didn't want to be 'busted'. That's how sweet he is, in his own way. This is how he's different from Nic too. When Nic sees me cry he takes me into his arms quickly and tries to calms me down. The first couple of times I was uncomfortable with his attempts to pacify me, but now I am happy to get 'busted' by him. I guess we relate differently to different people.

After I felt calm enough to speak again, he said before he called me that day, he struggled with the decision. He had pretty much made up his mind, or so he thought, to break up with his present gf when he called. Not for the purpose of starting a relationship with me, but to give himself a chance to see where we might possibly lead. He seriously didn't know how things would progress as he knows I am seeing someone now. Nonethelss, he was pretty determined to break up with the gf. But over the next few days, he thought better of it. He can't bring himself to do it. They did share some good times and at one point, he said, they did share some high hopes for the relationship, and she still does actually. However when he saw me, he wavered. And it was very difficult for him to see me cry just now. But he said he really can't do this to her. Every good instinct, good nerve and voice of reason in him told him so. It's unfair to her. They have been together for 6 years and she's obsessed with marriage. He really can't do this. I told him I understand. 6 years is a long time. I don't blame him. Of course, he's emotionally invested in the relationship. Furthermore, I don't think I could bring myself to fall in love with someone who is capable of ending a relationship so abruptly and so quickly. So I told him it's a good decision he had made ultimately and I give him credit for that. He thinks that he will spend many years wondering if it's really a good decision, and only time will tell.

I told him it was difficult for me to see him and the gf together during all those social gatherings. He said he could imagine how hard it must have been. That's why he found it especially difficult to look me in the eye each time we met. He's afraid he would 'yield to temptation'. It was tough for him as well. So I was not imagining things.

He said sometimes he feels like throwing in hands up in exasperation and asking what the hell? He's not married, I am not married. So what's really stopping us. People hook up, people break up all the time. Why must he complicate matters. It's because this is not him. He's a sentimental person. A very considerate and thoughtful person. The kind of person who would marry out of obligation and stay married for the same reason too. I am the same way too. I told him what we feel for each other is a little different than what we feel for our respective halves or any halves-to-be in the future. We will always think of each other fondly as the one who wasn't meant to be but could have been. It's a special relationship. He agreed and added, ' the one you think about from time to time with a tinge of regret.'

He wanted to send me home. I told him it wasn't necessary. I prefer to be alone after the highly emotionally-charged session. And it would be weird. And truth be told, I was afraid I would break down and end up forcing us into making a bad decision in a moment of weakness. It's better to leave things at that, or is it not? Maybe like he said, only time will tell. He insisted we keep in touch though. He said 'we are special friends maintaining a special friendship.' I am fine with that but I suppose we have to draw a line somewhere and be more prudent at the kind of interaction we want to have. Frankly, I would consider the interaction we had to border on infidelity. Nothing physical, in fact there was hardly any physical contact at all. It was more of infidelity on an emotional level. At that time, I really dread going home to face Nic. I just want to be left alone.

When I was in the cab, he called me on my cellphone. He said he felt a deeper sense of loss than he did before the session. It's like this is the last chance for us and we choose to let it pass us by again. The thought of a potential disastrous mistake freaked him out.

'You think we did right? We now regret what we didn't do but should have done years ago. This is like a second chance. Can we bear this regret many years down the road?'

My voice was shaking again and I said, 'We've to move on, J--. It's difficult. Such things are never easy.'

Well, what else can I say? I just think it's a pity we were both not brave enough to confront the other earlier with the feelings we have had all these years. So lesson to be learnt from this, always trust your instincts and act on them. It's a pity really. We owed it to ourselves to explore those feelings and see where they lead us and we have no one to blame but ourselves for failing to do so. We won't spend the rest of our lives cursing ourselves but at least I think a lot of questions were remained unanswered for a very long time to come. The dinner answered some but also raised new ones. It's a pity really. Well at least I know somewhere in this world, there is someone who thinks of me wistfully every now and then. At least it brought some closure.

I got into trouble with Nic just now. Well almost got into trouble. I was very excited (in fact still am)about the dinner with JJ tomorrow and I couldn't help but want to analyse it with a gf over the phone so that I can be mentally prepared for what he might throw at me. I think Nic was a little pissed when he saw us gushing over it like high school girls and gave me the 'look'. I got the hint and quickly ended the conversation.

I joined him in bed and tried unsuccessfully to distract him with some mindless banter. I told him that my colleagues will be bringing me out for a farewell lunch tomorrow. I think it's a pretty sweet gesture considering that I have only been there for all but two weeks only and it was unexpected cos they weren't that friendly to me all this while. He continued to sulk a little and did not answer. He's getting to be quite good at this silent treatment. I was in a good mood so I didn't mind pacifying him a little. I know he likes me to straddle him and put my head on his chest or bury my head in his neck and nibble him lightly while he strokes my hair. So that's exactly what I did. This technique is so effective. He melted (I meant his heart, not anywhere else) instantly. I told him not to be jealous. He has nothing to be upset about. I don't feel for JJ in a romantic way. But I am just curious at his sudden show of goodwill and affection considering how badly strained our friendship was in high school. But I also told him he does have a right to get mad, I would for sure. In fact, I am very relieved and somewhat assured about my place in his heart to know that he's mad. This made him happy, I think. And all's good and fine now. Boo to the friend who said I jump everytime Nic snaps his fingers.

I love Nic, truly. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't look forward to meeting JJ tomorrow. I can't contain my excitement really. So I snuck out for a little blogging session after Nic's fallen asleep. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

I went back to using to the mascara I used to apply. Nic thinks there's not much difference. Well he's not discerning enough. I think it looks a little more natural. I hope this puts a stop to all the rumors that's been circulating around in the office about my fake eyelids. Mean people. Be kind to a temp staff, for chrissakes.

There's this IT manager who tends to get very touchy with me. Not to the extent that it constitutes harrassment, but some seemingly innocent touching of my arms and shoulders, that solicitous smile. It's so repulsive. And he tried to ask me out to lunch today but failed of course. I made up some excuse about skipping lunch to run some errands. I expect him to try again tomorrow or some other time. Well, perhaps not. Not many guys try again after getting shot down once. Anyway, it will be my last day on Friday, so he doesn't have that many chances to try again.

Told Nic about the dinner date I have with the high school crush. Only told him the bare minimum. He doesn't know JJ was my biggest crush in high school. He didn't seem very interested to know more.

'You think anything's amiss? To talk?'
'It's just a casual dinner appointment. Don't be reading too much into it. Unless there's something more you are not telling me'
'Guy in a committed relationship asking a girl out to TALK in person. I would be very mad if you do that.'
'So I should be mad you are accepting his date.'
'No, I am not the one who initiated it. I am just curious what he could possibly want to talk about.'

Then I also told him about how he always looks at me, how he avoids eye contact with me etc. And also a little on how awkward things were during high school.

'Mich, I think you just want to hear what you want to hear. That he likes you maybe. Either that or you are trying to make me jealous.' He knows me so well. A little of both frankly.
'So have I succeeded?'
'Unfortunately no. You might want to know I have my fair share of admirers too. I always get picked up. Just that I don't tell you.', he said with a big grin.

Well, I don't have a problem with him being such a charmer with girls. I always find guys who are secure and confident very sexy. Darn, should have told him about the IT manager who seems interested too. That should make him jump.

The other receptionist asked me today if I had my double eye-lids done??? Of course not, I told her. And I asked her why she thought they were not real. She said they look too good to be real. To my utter mortification, she said that's what the other secretaries and some admin staff thought too. It was so humiliating to know that my double eyelids and make-up were being scrutinised so closely by people. It could be due to the new brand of mascara that I am using that is supposed to make the eyes look a tad brighter and bigger than normal. And perhaps a little too effective, which may be the reason for the artificiality of the eye area. I explained this to her, but she didn't seem too convinced. Great, now I will be known as the 'Receptionist who tried to cover up the job done on her eyelids by blaming it on bad mascara.'

I am reverting to the old mascara tomorrow.

Apparently, Nic's company is having a 'lo hei' session tomorrow. He tried to say the offending words in cantonese and finally gave up and said, ' you know it's just a lunch and whatever it is you do during the sashimi session where everyone tries to toss and mix the sashimi slices with the other colorful ingredients. The loy loi. You know, the loy loi. ' And then it hit me what he was trying to say. The 'lo hei' session. He hasn't actually been to one but obviously has seen enough on TV and heard enough about it to know exactly what it entails. Took me 10 mins to figure out what he's talking about and help him get the cantonese pronunciation and intonation right. I am pretty sure he's forgotten about it now. He's not a big fan of Chinese cuisine and is only looking forward to the lo hei, and I suspect that he will grab a quick lunch at McDees' after it.

I had meant to talk more about how Nic and I spent the Chinese New Year hols or how we celebrated V-day. But let's sidetrack a little today. This is my moment of triumph.

A most unexpected call today. There is really such a thing called telepathy. It does exist. Do you believe it? At least I do now. I am still delirious. Still in shock. No one to share this piece of good news with. I guess it's not so good news for somebody (read: the gf of someone). Just going nuts with euphoria. It's like going high on drugs. Euphoria is a drug. Yes it is. I could almost scream out loud. I feel on top of the world.

Well, the crush called me. On my cellphone. He did! I almost had to bite myself when I received his call. I recognised it immediately but I waited for him to identify himself. I don't even remember giving him my number. I don't have his too. The conversation was a little awkward initially. We were still trying to find the groove. It started with lots of pleasantries, until I said well we just saw each other not long ago, so things haven't changed much since then and I am still the way I was weeks ago. And we both laughed. He was alittle less inhibited over the phone. Perhaps because the gf wasn't around. I told him I didn't expect him to call. I didn't think he had my number and he replied, ' I always did, always have.' And silence. He then added, ' And I waited too long to call you.' Silence and more silence. So palpable and so keenly felt you could almost cut it with a razor. I can't bear awkward silences. I finally broke it by asking him how the wedding preparations are coming along. Does X (the gf) need help with anything? You know I am unemployed at the moment. So if there's anything I can help, I would be glad to. He said they are actually still planning, no concrete plans yet, it's not something that's going to happen soon, most likely 2-3 years. (WTF? So what's with X blabbering on about the upcoming wedding? like it's gonna happen in a matter of months? talk about delusional...?) Of course, I kept my thoughts to myself and just responded with a 'oh, ok. I see'. But I was gleeful. Delighted. Not sure why I am sure all that he had said thus far doesn't augur well for them.

To cut to the chase, he asked me, 'Michelle, are you happy?' To that I responded in kind with a 'Are you?'. (We don't interact this way, not at the emotional level and this is where I thought this conversation was heading and it felt really weird to be having this sort of conversation with him) He responded with a non-answer that I seem to be doing well and Nic sounds great. And I said he is. He said Nic fits the stereotype of the kind of trophy boyfriend I like so much. Was pretty annoyed when he said this, but decided to let it slide. I said as a matter-of-factly,' I don't go for trophy bfs. I respect Nic too much to treat him like a trophy. You just don't know me well enough.' And to which he said, "You never gave me a chance to." I smell victory. More silence. His turn to break it this time. He said ' Can we talk? I mean face to face. In person.' And we arranged to meet for dinner on Friday night. I don't know how it will go, what to expect and what I hope to accomplish. I feel conflicted. But I waited so long for him to call me. I want to ask him those questions I so badly wanted answers to. I need answers. I don't know, perhaps after the dinner, his answers don't matter anymore. Interestingly enough, I don't feel any guilt toward Nic. Perhaps cos I know in my gut our relationship is not and will not be in jeopardy over this. I feel quite confident about Nic and me actually. I might tell him about this impending meeting with JJ and ask for his take on this. But I will need to handle this delicately.

By the way, great V-day today. Nic got me a nice black ribbon belt. So sweet. And I got him a shirt. We are both pragmatists. We prefer gifts with practical uses.

What a week it's been. Well, I really didn't expect my first year of Chinese New Year celebrations with Nic to be so eventful. I had initially expected it to be just two days of hols for us. No big deal. Besides, he just came back from his 1-week overseas trip and I thought he wouldn't be in the mood for much partying. In hindsight, I think it was the short separation that made it so cosy and fun to be around each other again. Anyway, I didn't really expect much. I thought I would be lucky if I can just slip in a (window :) ) shopping session at LV or Gucci. Not that I have anything to buy, nor do I have the means to even if I have my eye on anything, just that I love looking at pretty things. But be pleasantly surprised by the cards reality deals you when you don't expect anything. Now I know what it means to expect something when you least expect it. Fantastic.

One revelation - Absence does make my heart grow fonder of him and also makes me realise how much I miss being around him. Suffice it to say it was some reunion on Monday night. haha... so lots of kissing and passionate sex just to make up for the lack of physical intimacy the last week. He said it's all he's been thinking about since he touched down. I was slightly upset with this remark, and held his face and asked him in all seriousness, ' thinking about this or me?'. And he cleverly replied, ' this with you' and tried to distract me by resuming his kissing. I wasn't at all distracted but well, what's new? The average guy thinks about sex all the time and what's more he's been starving for about one week. I wasn't about to take issue with him over this and ruin what would pan out to be a perfect evening. And luckily I didn't. Actually I know he didn't mean it this way, he's just too delirious to think straight. He playfully chided me for teasing him with all those photos I sent and only to come back so late when he had expected to see me at home, and whined some more about me not prioritising him over a night out with the gfs and was very upset that I didn't miss him as much he missed me etc etc... Nothing a good long kiss can't fix.

And he very nicely offered to send me to work the next day even though he did not have to go to the office that day, even though it meant he had to deprive his already sleep-and-rest- deprived body (he thinks his biological clock is all messed up, all thanks to the travelling and jet lag. well I tell him he's getting old... haha) of more hours of sleep and rest, just so I could sleep for a while more. I had so much trouble getting us out of bed, out of the shower and getting both of us dressed. But it was so much fun. We were still kissing and nuzzling at the lobby, and then in the elevator. The fact that we were alone in the elevator didn't make it easier for us to extricate ourselves from each other. Normally, I am totally uncomfortable with such acts of affection in public, but well I guess passion is infectious and for a while he contemplated going back to the apartment for a quickie, but reason prevailed and decided against it cos I was running late. Still, we got a little carried away in the elevator (nothing grossly inappropriate, but just very passionate nuzzling), he more so than me, cos I was paranoid about spoiling my make-up.
Before he dropped me off at the office, he leaned over for a kiss and said 'I am not done with you yet, babe.'

Then he came by at 1pm again to send me to my facial and spa session, with a pleasant surprise. He had ordered a gift hamper for my parents, and intended it to be delivered to his apartment so that he could deliver it personally to them when he goes visiting with me, but for some reason, known only to his secretary, it was delivered to his office instead. I told him he should have just arranged for it to be delivered to my parents' directly. And he said he thought people showed up with gift hampers and oranges for Chinese New Year when they visit their gf's parents. He thought it would be unbecoming to visit empty-handed save for the oranges. What can I say, such a sweetie he is. He hasn't even met them formally. And he insisted on shopping around town to wait for me to finish my facial and spa. Such a charmer. It's so difficult not to love someone who's so thoughtful and considerate.

And I suggested going to my parents' for dinner and also to deliver the gift hamper since it's already in the car. I seriously had no idea how they will take to him. Though they have met him once or twice, those ocassions were very informal and very brief. But I guessed my worries were unfounded, either that or I underestimated his charm. Things went pretty well. I can still sense some cultural barrier but with time, effort and patience, it's not something that's insurmountable. I don't know if Nic is aware of the significance of such a formal meet-and-greet session with my parents and its implications in the Asian context, but I am not about to pressure him or me into anything. I think my parents have pretty much reconcile themselves to the fact that their wayward and aberrant daughter seems bent on dating a white guy. I don't particularly have a preference for white guys, just that no eligible Chinese guy seems to have crossed my path, nor are they even interested in me if they do (take the high school crush for example). But I guess the disapproving stares from some relatives are still something I have to learn to deal with. Not that I am all that bothered by them, I just feel bad that it might be somewhat uncomfortable for Nic. He doesn't deserve to go through this for me. But all in all, things are pretty optimistic, I think. He seems pretty happy and somewhat relieved I think, perhaps cos he has always thought that I am not as into him as he is me. I could tell he was feeling quite tired and bored cos he didn't understand a lot of the stuff that was said. All these Chinese New Year stuff seems quite novel to him initially, but after a while the novelty wears off. So we left quite early at about 9 plus, and it was a good decision as we were able to 'finish off what we started in the morning'. So go figure...

Had dinner with a very close friend. Told her about my predicament with the high school crush's impending wedding. This gf knows my feelings toward him. She attended the same schools with me and him, and knows him as an acquaintence. So it was easier to talk to her as I didn't have to go through the same old story, which must be like 8 years old already.

She told me to tell him I love him, tell him to choose me over her. Tell him I have waited too long and decided to wait no more. So that at least he knows. She said she's quite sure he will still choose his present gf over me. But at least I know, and so I can move on with my life.

Someone forwarded me a personality test by email. I was supposed to associate certain colors listed to someone in my life. According to the results, G is someone whom I will remember for the rest of my life (This is true). And the high school crush is my twin soul (true to some extent too). And the gf mentioned above is someone I consider to be my true friend. Quite accurate. And Nic's not mentioned for the simple reason that I don't particularly associate him with any colors. But is it as simple as it seems or is it an indication of something more when you aren't able to associate any colors to someone at all?

I so miss Nic. The apartment feels so empty without him. I just have to get out of the house.

Went to the salon today for the usual stuff and more, and so the total bill came up to a frickin' $766. I think it's pretty worth every cent of that, considering the fact that now I have beautiful flowy tresses cascading down my shoulders. Not to mention they are now evenly colored.

A manicure and pedicure session is scheduled for tomorrow, followed by dinner and drinks with some girl friends.

Facial and body massage on Tuesday, that is the Eve of Chinese New Year, after my work finishes at 1pm. Had wanted it either tomorrow or Monday, but there aren't any available timeslots.

Bought a new dress yesterday. It's so pretty and cheap, and sexy I just couldn't resist it. It's a casual dress but is really sexy and accentuates the curves, especially at the bust area, though I think it does show quite a lot of cleavage (not that I have a lot to show). And it's at a nice length, just mid-knee and looks so girlish. I wore it, smiled my sweetest of sweetest smiles and took a picture and email it to Nic, just so he could see for himself the legendary dress I gushed so enthusiastically about over text messages and in the email. He replied with a simple message, ' School girl first and then seductress...you are so going to get IT when I come back. Tease. Loving you...' You see what guys think about all the time? Ok I concede the cleavage may have been a tad misleading, but that picture is hardly sexy. It's just a very sweet pic, not one that oozes sex appeal, not even remotely. I am not very comfortable with a self image that's perceived by others to be sexy. Anyhow, I replied, 'and I can't wait...'. Guess I am learning fast...

First day of temp job sucks. As it turned out, it's a temp receptionist and secretary position rather than a temp secretary position. It appeared that there was some mis-communication between my ex-colleague and the client. I am seated at the reception but I have to provide some assistance to a secretary who will be supporting another Director who's visiting for about 1 week, in addition to her own boss, the MD. And so when she gets too busy, I will have to assist her. Oh whatever. Not that it's a hell of a difference. It's just for 2 weeks. There were quite a lot of visitors today but the phone calls were at a manageable level.

The secretary commented that my face is so heavily powdered and it's a marvel that at the end of the day, my make-up still showed no signs of cracking. I don't know how to respond to that, so I just responded in the only way I know how - smiled and laughed it off. It's definitely not a compliment but not exactly an insult either. It's difficult to fault her for this. Ok, maybe like what Nic said, it's a left-handed compliment. And before I went on to say more, he assured me my make-up is not thick and heavy at all. It's just good. Not the perfect answer actually. The perfect answer would be ' your make up is not heavy or thick. You just have very good skin which is accentuated by the make up.' That's what I call a perfect answer. But I will let it pass.

The other receptionist is quite alright, except that I thought she could be dressed more professionally. Well, maybe she thinks I am over-dressed. That may be true, but you can't fault me for that either. I came dressed for a secretary position to a MD. It's only fitting that I look presentable and well-groomed. Anyway, it's not even a suite. It's just a dress.

And I drove Nic's car to work today. Woohooo... I totally looked the part of a successful and independent career woman. Such a thrill!

I miss Nic already. He will be back on the 7th. Just in time for the Chinese New Year holidays. Well it's just 2 days of hols for us. No biggy. He could do some visiting with me if he wants to. Otherwise, we can just cuddle at home. That seems to be one of our favorite pastimes now. Or I could persuade him to go shopping for some new clothes for both of us. Or he could be too tired to move. Well, we'll see.

And I did something naughty yesterday. Well, actually he made it out to be something naughty. I definitely didn't intend it the way he read it. It was just a sweet gesture to tell him I miss him. Simple, innocent and vanilla. I wore my hair in two ponytails, smiled my sweetest and took a photo of myself and sent it to Nic (His personal email, not his company email, he's really particular about this and doesn't like personal emails to be sent to his company email.), with a short message that says 'missing me? love you to bits, Mich.' And he replied, 'Cute, very cute, but I don't have a schoolgirl fetish. Loving you to bits too...'. I had such a good laugh when I saw his reply. Fetish? haha. Well, I am not exactly a fan of role-plays myself.