Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

Last night I asked Nic what he wanted me to do for him if he won the game.
'Nothing you won't already do for me.' he said.
Perfect answer, isn't it? It's so flattering to me. There's more to come.
'Guess what I would want you to do for me if I won?' I asked him.
'Nothing I won't already do for you.' he said.
'Awww...' my heart went.

Man, my man has a knack for giving the perfect answers these days. That's why he deserves every bit of my love. Or did he say all that so that I would go easy on him during the game??

'Ok, I want to see you put your money where your mouth is when I actually win.' (I meant this literally...haha...remember my Gucci or LV bag?)
'Sure if you will put me in your mouth first.'
This caught me by surprise really. I think I must have looked really uncomfortable. And he quickly added, 'just kiddin' you.'

Hmm, you had better be. Ok, perhaps a bonus for you if you are really sweet during the getaway.

After the post yesterday, I can't stop thinking about G. I still owe him one call that I have to return. But I don't want to upset Nic and risk losing what we have now. I love Nic too much to want to upset him like this. If he were to call an ex-gf up, I think I would go ballistic too. But I just miss talking to G. We really ended on a bad note and I remember I told him that should we decide to end things between us, I don't ever want us to do that on a bad note. I don't want us to walk away hating each other. I can't bear the thought of him hating me. I still remember he said 'I don't think I could ever bring myself to hate you.' The last I heard his law firm might be relocating him back to the office in California. So I guess this is it.

My gfs have advised me to move on and forget about G. They think it's an ego problem more than anything else for me. As the song goes, I cannot get over him getting over me first (something to that extent). I guess it's true to some extent. 2 months after our break-up, he started seeing someone else already. And there I was still grappling with the after-shocks of the spilt. Anyway, he's history now.

On a more chirpy note, last night, Nic and I were brainstorming about the things we can do on our romantic getaway coming up this weekend and I gallantly offered to do him a sexy lap dance. Well, I was in a obscure little latin dance club briefly in college after all. And I took up salsa dancing about one year ago, although for a brief period too. Most importantly dancing is just lots of swaying and gyrating, so a sexy dance isn't something beyond me. It's not like rocket science. I just need the right music, nothing too fast or upbeat though. It's supposed to be a slow and sensual dance. And a racy little white dress, and I am all set to go.

He wanted a preview and I obliged him one. He thought it was pretty good. I think so too, just that it needs some touching up here and there. And a naughty thought for a llittle bedroom game crept into my mind. Here's how it goes...I will try every trick I have in my bag, (which honestly ain't a lot) to seduce him and he has to try his best to restrain himself from responding to my ministrations. Whoever gives up first loses. And loser has to do one thing for the winner. Any one thing the winner wants. He wanted a dry run first before he commits himself to it, that cheeky guy. So dry run he got. And guess who won this first round. Yours truly of course! But I think I don't fully deserve all the credit he accords me. I think he caved in intentionally and prematurely too (he wasn't even near breaking point...haha). He said he wins either way.

Thanks Dear for highlighting that. So I added a new rule. If he succumbs during the course of my seduction, all activities are terminated immediately, and the game ends. So he doesn't win even if he loses. Yeah, an incentive for him to hold off as long as possible. I may just get tired, you never know...haha... And in return for this new rule, he has one condition of his own too. He said involuntary physiological response (his exact words) shouldn't count. It's not something he has control over by sheer willpower. Sounded fair enough to me and I agreed to it but now I am starting to regret it a little. (hmmm... perhaps I will need to re-negotiate with him later tonight.) And I also went on to define more clearly what 'no response' means. He is not allowed to touch me, or have big movements. Small movements, like shifting a little, is allowed at my discretion. And he cannot rub any part of his body against anything. And he has to just lie flat on his back. He can leave his clothes on, but I can choose to wear (or not to) whatever I want.

Should I tie his hands together so that he keeps to the rule of not touching? I need to think about this, but I think not cos that will be a constant reminder of the resolve he must have. I want him to feel tempted. Omg, aren't we getting a little too kinky??

I am so determined to win at least one such game during the getaway. You know, I so badly want a bag from Gucci or LV. Something from the current season at least. This LV bag I presently carry is like from eons ago...So Nic Dear, game is on!

I just heard from a girlfriend that a mutual acquaintence, who attended the same college with us, is getting married to her professor in college. And apparently, she wants to keep it hush-hush fearing the repercussions of a potential scandal if mishandled. So she chose not to have to handle it at all by keeping it a low-key affair. No reception, no nothing. If everything was her decision, she would rather just be packed away in the darkness of the night. It's the biggest scandal in our social circles at the moment.

But I couldn't care less. We weren't exactly close. She has always thought me to be too flirty to be good enough to be her friend. Interestingly enough, I am perceived by alot of people who don't know me well to be flirty. But people who know me well will actually think I am quite the opposite of that. I won't exactly say I had a reputation for being flirty in high school / junior college, cos I think to qualify for being flirty, you need to be popular with the guys, which I wasn't. That was and still is very mystifying to me. A lot of boys were pretty nice to me, very sweet and attentive initially, for 1-2 months perhaps. I didn't flirt, as in show my cleveage to them or seduce them in a sexually suggestive manner. I was a teenager then, what did I know about the art of seduction then? The girls said I was flirty cos I whined a lot (I don't know what the precise English word for that behavior is, but we call it 'teh' , or thereabouts in Cantonese), something I still do very often now with Nic, and to them, I was being flirtatious. Based on what I heard, lots of guys in my high school / junior college found me pretty and cute and most found that 'teh' charm quite irressistable initially. Lots of seniors were quite taken with me in my first 2-3 months in junior college too. But after a few months when the novelty had worn off, I supposed I got on their nerves alot and they started to become quite hostile to me. You know how silly you look when you are still blissfully unaware of how the tides have turned against you, and you still continue acting the way you have always been accustomed to and then people just snub you. That's exactly how I was made to feel a lot. After a while, even the most dense and obtuse person get the hint that people are so turned off by you. And you became withdrawn and people started labelling you as a spoilt, pampered, arrogant bitch. Of course, none of the decent and proper boys liked you. I guess that was why JJ suddenly turned hostile to me. I don't know for sure and can't be bothered to clarify that bit with him now. My gfs and I heard alot of nasty rumors about myself. Rumors about how easy I was, the fictitious bfs I had outside of school and how I spurned one poor boy etc. I felt aggrieved and indignant. I broke down in school so many times cos people were nasty to me. I was lucky I had this group of 4 gfs who supported me and we remain close to this day. It was very confounding, cos the 5 of us were in one clique, but it seemed they did not have the same bad rep I had. They were quite popular girls in school and my class. All 4 had boyfriends who fed them bits of information about the rumors about myself, and that was how I had some insights into those rumors about me. I would always make my gfs tell me what they or their bfs heard. I know it was unsavory and was apprehensive and knew for sure I was gonna go home and cry buckets over them, yet curiousity got the better of me. There was one particular rumor about how loose I was, in more ways than one. I was still so naive then and didn't really understand the pun. When my gfs explained it to me, I burst into tears immediately. I didn't even know much about the birds and the bees at that point for crying out loud! Yeah, kids can be so malicious at times.

And that 'flirty rep' stayed with me through my college years. My closest gfs understood my angst and we were indignant. But over time, I got used to it. Some interesting prospects during college, or so I thought, but the high school life story repeated itself in college again. Guys were attentive and solicitous at first, then turned lukewarm and I felt silly, then finally gave me the cold shoulder. Again, some nasty rumors about me sleeping around and being a party girl, which couldn't be further from the truth, cos I didn't really have a lot of people to party with. My close friends were attached and had their own group of friends at that time. One guy in my dorm, in a drunken state, even said it in my face when multiple attempts to ask me out were rebuffed. He called me a slut, bitch and a cocktease when I walked past him along the corridor. I wanted to say something, but was too shocked to. I should have slapped him, but I broke free and ran into my room to avoid making a commotion.

G was my first bf. First boyfriend at 22, I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I was so naive about sexual matters and he told me I was the most innocent 22-year old around. Where he came from, my level of sophistication was only equivalent to that of a 15-year old at best. Most things I knew were very technical facts I gleaned from my biology classes in junior high. More precocious 13 or 14- year olds would beat me hands-down. I stayed over so often in his apartment that I officially moved in with him in my last semester at college. I thought to myself my moving in with G would almost certainly qualify me as a slut in the eyes of my dorm mates. But I couldn't be bothered. I was happy to get away from the dorm and very much welcome the prospect of not having to spend any more time on campus than necessary. The time I spent with G was the most liberating experience I ever had up to that point. It was memorable. I love Nic wholeheartedly now, but you know how first loves are, unforgettable.

I have an important interview coming up this Friday. I should stop dwelling in the past and start thinking happy thoughts. Wish me luck!

You know how some people just have this ability to make you feel so lousy about yourself? Well, I was unfortunate enough to have to endure the whole of yesterday with one such group of people. It was a obligatory family lunch and dinner thingy I just couldn't extricate myself from. Even Nic wasn't spared and he's a sweetie for accompanying me. He looked so bored, and so out of place, not to mention how uncomfortable all the staring from my younger cousins must have made him felt. Thankfully, someone whipped out a stack of cards and he was invited for Poker with my other cousins. At least I could take my mind off from trying to entertain him with my silly banter. But he's really a darling. Even I think my silly banter is boring, but he just looked at me and smiled and tried to look interested.

There is this one auntie who has quite a reputation (for having an acid tongue) in the family. But most people still defer to her by virtue of her position in the family. Sometimes I can't help but feel that respect and love accorded out of consideration for one's seniority can be take granted over time. And it's meaningless to begin with in the first place. Actually she's the only person who takes a more active role in being mean. She just knows how to ignite this beast-like quality in people. It's her innate ability. She will initiate most of the insults targetted at nice people (myself included) and the rest of the people will just hop on. But are the rest of the passive people any less blameless and any less reprehensible. And to think she and all those people are part of my extended family.

I felt so bad for one of my aunts, who had the misfortune of being at the centre of all her insults and snide remarks. I don't think the acid-tongued auntie (less call her meanie for ease of reference this point forward) meant to be rude or mean, but what she lacks is empathy and sensitivity for others' feelings and some due consideration of how her 'candid' opinions may affect others. People need grooming, merchandise needs packaging. Needless to say, some words of advice (if meant to be heeded at all) need the final touches of tact and sensitivity. Your words, not matter how well-intentioned or honest, can hurt people even if you didn't intend for them to in the first place. It's sharper than blades and more destructive than bullets.

Being single doesn't necessarily make you a pervert or maniac. It's a lifestyle choice someone makes. Can you at least try to respect it, even if you don't agree with it? Be nice to her. She's your sister. I find it difficult to imagine anyone saying such nasty things about her own sister. Nice auntie has her own flaws, as do all of us, yourself included, meanie. All of us have been so tolerant of you, and I admit we do grumble a little amongst ourselves about how insensitive you are, but none of us could bring ourselves to say such mean things about you. I used to think Aunt meanine was only tactless and reckless in her remarks and in jumping to conclusions prematurely. I never thought her to be malicious or cruel, but now I do to a little extent. You should know where to draw the line and belive me, words like pervert and maniac are exactly where that line is, or even beyond. Be grateful and appreciative of what she has done for you (and trust me, nice auntie has done alot for this meanie and her kids), and take that into consideration next time before you say such unsavory things about her behind her back. All that we expect from a sister is that you at least treat your sister decently. Be nice.

That's how life is. Your biggest enemy may just be lurking near you, possibly someone close to you. And when someone you love hurts you , the hurt is doubled, cos you don't see it coming as you least expect it to come from them, and also the pain of betrayal. Family ties, my foot. Nothing is constant in this world. I love myself best. I also wish Nice Aunt the best. She's one of the kindest and nicest person I have ever come across. Life is unfair. It's always the nice ones who suffer the most. My life story.... Nice guys always finish last.

I felt so bad for Nice aunt, I almost burst into tears. I was so angry, so mad. I wanted to retort and defend her, but I couldn't think straight. Then meanie went on to say how pretty my sisters are. She didn't exactly say I wasn't, but being conspicuously left out like this when you have only 3 girls in the family made it very obvious that you are thought to be in the opposite end of the spectrum. And you can't say perhaps she overlooked me, cos I was sitting in front of her staring at her in her face. I guess I am just insignificant and not worth mentioning.

I felt so lousy. I know others may think I am overreacting. But no matter how I have changed, how much effort I put into grooming myself, it seems that I am still the ugly duckling I have always been since I was young in the eyes of my family and the extended family. I feel shy and self-conscious when I am with them, and feel this ridiculous pressure to conform to the ugly and dowdy image they have of me since like forever just to avoid having to answer to all the awkward questions about why I decided to give myself an image overhaul. The only consistent remark I get each time I meet my extended family, and it's not that infrequent, is how different I look. No matter what I do, my sisters are still considered the pretty, naturally beautiful and well-groomed ones and I am still the one who tries too hard and ends up making a fool of myself. Cos I am still ugly.

Of course, Nic assures me otherwise. What else could he say? He said I have been beautiful since he knows me. Sure, we all have our nerdy and geeky days, himself included. Who doesn't? Who hasn't been through that emotionally and socially awkward and painful stage. It's no big deal. It's all part of finding your identity. Some people take longer and go through more complicated routes. But we all get there eventually.

But he said now he understands why I always feel so insecure about my appearance. Cos mentality wise, as far as self-image is concerned, I am still stuck in that painful adolescent period trying to find the right identity for myself, and he said I shouldn't. He thinks I am really beautiful. But why can't they just accept that I have changed and am no longer trying too hard. People do become more beautiful. My confidence just crumbles when I am with them, cos for some reason, it seems like I am being tranported back to the ugly duckling years. Maybe I should start feeling and acting beautiful in their presence next time, as I always do when I am with friends, so they can see a consistency in how I look outside and how I feel inside. Perhaps this is what's meant by beauty comes from within. Heck!

One lesson both Nic and I learnt over this weekend - Never say never. Oh yes, and he didn't spend the last weekend working, true to his forecast that things at work would slow down considerably from last week.

We made up on Friday night. It's a pattern for us. If we quarrel, we always make an effort to reconcile on Fridays so that we can enjoy the weekend just basking in each other's company.

He compromised, or rather gave in to me totally. Yes, venue of our romantic getaway will be a local downtown hotel, like what I wanted. We will be going over next weekend, which incidentally is also a long weekend. But we will not be splurging the entire long weekend on the romantic getaway. It's too good to spend it this way. Nic wants to have some time for us to do other stuff together, which is perfectly fine by me. So the romantic getaway will start officially on Friday night and end on Sunday afternoon. Yippie.

When I asked him why he changed his mind. I reminded him he did say I could sulk all I want cos he would never change his mind on this. And he cheekily said, 'Did I say never?'
'Well that was the idea.'
'Well, never say never I guess.' he said.

In case you think I am a spoilt bitch, well I compromised in other ways too.
Never say never for me too. And Nic didn't even have to ask that of me. In fact, he told me I didn't have to. I did it on my own initiative. That's gotta count for something, at least an A for effort and for being proactive. I could tell he appreciated it alot. See, I am a giving person (pun alert!!) too. I don't just take. It was tedious though, definitely not something I look forward to doing again anytime soon. But I told Nic he should feel comfortable enough asking anything from me. Frankly, it's not something I enjoy, but I am willing to do it to make him happy, just like what he's intending to do for me for the romantic getaway. I know what it means to be in a relationship. I know how to accomodate. I understand that concept, of course. I have only been in one other serious relationship before him, but sure I do know about such things. What I need is for him to be more vocal about his needs and his thoughts. I am no mind reader. Previously when we talked about that oral sex issue, I walked away from the discussion thinking it's something he wanted to do with me just for perhaps experimental purposes to see if it's any different than his previous experiences. It's something he could do with or without. He clarified that it's not something he cannot live without, but it's more like something he rather live with from time to time. He's not saying we make it a regular part of our sex life, or do it with any kind of regularity, just perhaps like a snack we have on occassion when the right mood hits us. He only wants me to be open to exploring that option. And he got quite peeved when I simply shut that idea down without any effort made at exploring it further together. He wants us to talk about it together. And I told him he needs only to tell me all this.

Well in retrospect, admittedly, I think on some level he tried to. But somehow, by his own admission too, he failed to be more assertive about his opinions with me, as with all other issues to do with me. He said his heart melts whenever I whine a little or pout a little more. He admits it's something we have to work through, the way he relates to me that is. He's never had a girlfriend so many years his junior and sometimes, he doesn't know what to do with me. Should he 'discipline' me, so to speak, and take a firmer stance with me, or should he just indulge me? I told him we will figure that out as we go along, but until we get it down to a formula perfectly, he should just do what he deems fit. Sometimes, frankly even I think I am whiny. That's how I am, I am whiny by nature. But it's not something I do to try and manipulate him, it's just something.....I do maybe out of habit. I don't even know what I am trying to accoomplish through whinning, it's not necessarily to get my way. I just want reassurance of his love for me, I guess. So until he and me figure me out, yes he should just do as he deems fit.

Communication does work wonders doesn't it? Talking is of no use when you don't communicate your thoughts.

And true to the spirit of straight talk, he told me why he had wanted to have the getaway at a beach resort. So that we could have sex on the beach. Hmmm. I will think about that, but no promises.

Nic and I had a fight last night. Technically, a fight entails an exchange of words between the parties involved. This element of interaction is critical. But I just cried and cried, so it was pretty one-sided and thus cannot really be considered a fight in the strict sense of the word. Need I mention again that when I cry, I look such a pitiful sight. Absolutely pitiful, and yet it stirred nothing in him, not that I hoped to evoke some sympathy from him anyway, but it was very upsetting to know that someone you love so much is actually capable of ignoring you when you are obviously such a wreck you need nothing but their comfort most.

Generally, we fight mostly about silly stuff, in my opinion, nothing major so far. Last night's fight was over the most trivial of things yet, and surprisingly it was one of the most intense ever.

We were chatting idly about his work, my work, tv shows etc. Just idle banter. Then I brought up the idea of a short romantic getaway. Among all the things we fight over, you would think this should be one of the last things we or any couple for that matter, would fight over.

'We don't do stuff together lately.'

'That's not true. We spend a lot of time in bed and we sleep and fuck and fuck and fuck and we can probably do it again now.' He said cheekily with that cheeky grin and that familiar glint in his eyes.

'Let's do something together over a weekend. Something romantic. We are missing out on a lot of quality time together cos of work.'

'Like what?'

'Like spending one or two romantic nights at a lovely hotel. We can make it really romantic. Let me do the planning. It will be a night or two nights you will never forget.'

'So what will we do on this romantic night or two nights?'

'Anything you want. Sleep, pig out, sleep, sex, shower, back rubs.' I still remember looking at him expectantly.

'Nothing we can't do at home here. I am not really thrilled with the idea. You need to pitch it better. Or throw in something else.' He said with a cheeky grin. (I thought to myself, ' jeez, no blowjobs.')

'The whole point of a romantic getaway is to get away. Romantic things to do ain't all that different. It's not what you do. It's the mood. It puts you in the right mood.'

' I still don't see why we have to go somewhere far to do what we can do at home. Try creating the right ambience here. You can achieve the same effect, with little or no compromising.'

'Well we are not going somewhere far. I'm thinking a nice lovely hotel downtown will do just fine.'

'You mean without leaving the country?' He scoffed. 'That makes even less sense. '

Ok, he got a little impatient and annoyed at this point. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept pushing him away and trying to convince him how great an idea it is. I have been so envious of friends who do that with their boyfriends and never had the chance to do it with Nic. It is also very easy to arrange and it does feel like a vacation. Vacation or not is a state of the mind. The right mood can fool your rational mind. At the end of my spiel, he still thought the idea romantic getaway to a local, albeit downtown, hotel was a very bad idea.

But he relented and said, 'Long weekend at a beach resort of your choice. Overseas. Or nothing at all. Or we could go on a proper and longer vacation in a couple of months.'

Now's the time to throw a little tantrum, I thought. I got off him, declaring 'I don't like beach resorts.' Frankly, I really don't. I was not trying to be difficult.

He stood firm and said curtly, 'It's either a beach resort. Overseas. or nothing.'

'This is not an acceptable compromise.' I said. I frankly don't know where I got the nerve to say this. In all fairness, his suggestion is rather reasonable. But I guess I just was in a tantrum mood and felt like being unreasonable.

'Since when has any compromise been acceptable to you? Lots of stuff were never really a compromise between us. It has always been me accomodating you.'

Ok, I don't think this is entirely true. It's true mostly, but it's also complicated. I have always thought he was alright with accomodating me. After all, most of the stuff were petty stuff. Honestly I cannot recall one incident where he conceded something major to me without any sort of an effort at compromising on my part. He did give in to me per se, but I thought he did it also to make me feel loved and pampered, and it wasn't really that big a deal or some sort of a hardship for him. If I knew he was peeved about always giving in and had been nursing a grievance against me, I wouldn't have let him do it too. Of course, if you know me well enough, you would also know it's pretty normal for me to feel the urge to cry at this point. So as much as I wanted to retort, I also felt the beginnings of what seemed like tears in my eyes so I restrained myself.

He held my hand and shook lightly. 'So what's it gonna be? Beach resort overseas or nothing?'

'I still hate beaches.'

'So it's nothing, end of discussion.' He said this matter-of-factly. He pushed me onto my back and proceeded to kiss me quite fervently. And I thought to myself, we are in the middle of an argument, and you are still in the mood for sex. I am sorry but I just don't feel like being close to you now. I can't change mode so quickly. I got him to stop, and I sat up promptly.

'How is this a compromise? You decided on this alone.'

'No I did it with you. This is a compromise. You want to go to a local downtown hotel to chill out. I would rather stay at home to do whatever you want to do and fuck. A compromise is meeting halfway. So a compromise is we go to an overseas beach resort to chill and fuck. Or the alternative of nothing at all, which is the last resort when negotiations fail.' He said in all seriousness and sat back. His tone was quite harsh.

He gave me a moment to let what he said sink in. I think he knows when I am on the verge of tears, my brain works twice as slow. Then he said, 'Can we talk about this getaway thing another time? I really want to fuck now.'

I hate it when he talks like this. It's so damn insensitive. I was already sobbing away. My sobs were pretty loud, though at that time, I thought I did a pretty good job of holding them in.

He gave an exasperated look and said, ' Boy, you really know how to kill the mood.'

From the corner of my eye, I saw him take a book from his bedside and started flipping randomly.After a while, he broke the silence, without looking up from his book and said, 'Babe, I won't relent on this. You have to learn how to compromise. That's part of being in a relationship. I can't always give in to you all the time. We are together for the long haul. I don't mind doing that on things I am really neutral about. But there are things I have a strong opinion on, and where those things are concerned, I can't just let you have your way. And I happen to hate chilling out at a LOCAL (yes he said this word emphatically) downtown hotel. It's ludicrous.'

Then to his credit really, he tried to make peace. He kissed me and said in between kisses,' Let's go to a nice beach resort. You know plenty don't you? Any long weekends coming up? Or we could take a personal day off work and go over a weekend.'

'I don't like beach resorts'. My voice was shaking, and I barely managed the words. Now you know why I hate myself for being such a crybaby. There's absolutely nothing to cry about, but please remember I can't help it. If I could, trust me, I want shut those tear ducts down too.

'Neither do I like chilling out at a local hotel.'

'I would rather not go anywhere then.' I was already almost in between sobs, but still fighting to keep my tears in my eyes.

'Great, then don't. That's what I was saying in the first place.' He gave me a ' so can we fuck now?' look and continued kissing.

I finally pushed him away totally and turned away with my back facing him cos I wasn't sure I was able to keep my tears from flowing down. It seemed like they were going to flow down any moment now.

He then said, 'Just so you know, I won't budge on this. So you can sulk all you want.'

I wasn't sulking really, but I just felt like crying. It's a combination of a few reasons actually. For one, my enthusiastic suggestion of a romantic getaway was not met with the same excitement and zeal. For another, his attitude and his tone with me had progressively deteriorated over the last couple of weeks and I was already increasingly unhappy. And I didn't think it was a big deal having the getaway here or at a beach resort. He was trying to make a point that's all but he knows how much I don't like beach resorts. And to some extent, I felt embarrassed. It's difficult to explain. I didn't really mean to throw a tantrum. I just wanted to be whinny cos I expected him to give in right away as it was such a trivial stuff. And when it backfired on me, I felt humiliated. Does it make any sense?

For some reason, the crying got worse and you know how much worse it sounds when you try to control, cos it just gets louder. Very pitiful sight, I must say. Very ugly too, with my teary eyes and red runny nose and those sobs which just shook the whole being of my body. I must have looked like a clown.

And in between sobs, I said 'Just so you know, I am not in the mood for any fucking tonight.' I admit this was unnecessary but I so badly wanted to say something to spite him. Believe me, I regretted it immediately after I said it. My back was facing him, so I couldn't see his face. But I imagined it must be red with anger.

'Don't you ever do that again.' He said sternly.

'Do what? I tried to plan a romantic night with you and here you are all cranky snapping at me.' I said, or at least tried to say.

It was very muffled by the sobs and he cut me off towards the end and said, 'Don't you ever do or say anything to even suggest that you are blackmailing me or even intending to blackmail me with sex. I am not that starved for you. Don't debase me and yourself.'

What happened after that was a blur. When have I ever blackmailed him? He said I have been doing it for as long as he can remember, intentionally or inadvertently, calculated move or maybe not, but he's very put off. How I do things that I like and manipulate him by dangling sex like a carrot. And the hell I know about compromising. Case in point? The oral sex issue. He went on to say lots of things I can't remember now. Cos by that time, I was in full-blown crying mode. Of course I tried to say something, but I was so incoherent to the point of being delirious. He then walked out of the room, and I cried myself to sleep.

This morning, to his credit again, he gave me a ride to work, even though he had scheduled to work from home for the morning. And I didn't refuse, in fact I welcome it, cos I was so tired after all the crying from the previous night. But we have not made up yet. No not yet, it's going to take more than just one ride to pacify me this time.

It's been a month since I started this current job. Things are progressing well, by all signs. My boss is very nice, still ever so affectionate with me with all those terms of endearment, nothing physical though, and a cheeky wink here and there. Well, nothing makes an employee happier and more productive than a harmonious and relaxed working environment. So I am not complaining.

But things at the romantic front ain't doing so great now. Nic's hours are getting crazier and longer. For the last two weeks or so, he's been consistently coming home late at about 10 plus and sometimes even 11 plus. He said he's busy with work. It's always a busy time for him during the period leading up to a new quarter and of course, at the end of each quarter and the early part of the next new quarter. And of course, top it off with the what it is that Finance departments all over the world get excited over at the end of each month and you have the classic definition of a madhouse.

His high workload makes him tired and a tad irritable these days. He's impatient and short with me more often than usual. And when I get upset cos of his attitude, he just kisses me and apologises in a dismissive manner just to shut me up. I don't know if he means it (he should be genuine about it, at least for most of the times, cos he's just cranky) or it's just an easy and hassle-free way to nip the discord in the bud for him and definitely a more appealing option than the alternative of having a long and drawn-out standoff with me.

And for the last two weekends (including this last one that just passed us by), he worked through Saturdays and half of Sundays. By the end of it all, he was so tired, he said he would rather get some rest, so we stayed at home over the last two weekends. I don't mind staying at home. I understand work committments. I am not complaining about this per se. I am just very mad with the dismissive tone and attitude he uses on me. That patronising tone he takes when he tries to douse an impending argument. You know the 'ok I'm sorry, I don't have the time and energy to go into this right now, so I am sorry' tone. Just to pacify me or worse, just to have sex with me, at least that's how he makes me feel. An equivalent of this tone in gesture form would be a dismissive wave in the air.

And on those ocassions, I didn't want to take it up with him, cos I know I will almost certainly end up crying if I tried to even say anything to explain how things look from my perspective. That would only complicate matters. So I let it go. I am such a crybaby, what's new? Sometimes I really hate myself for this.

If it's any indication of anything nicer to look forward to, he told me just now that he anticipates that things at work are going to go slower at a more manageable pace from mid of this week, so we would be able spice up our weekends or weeknights a little more. I only hope the attitude improves.