Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

Nic came back from work early today. 'Inspected' the packing that I had done for him and is sleeping now. He has a headache and is hoping to sleep it off before his morning flight tomorrow. He said he can sense a sore throat developing. He can be such a grouch when he's a little under the weather. Well, not exactly a grouch, but a little whinny, just like a petulant little boy. He wants to cuddle with me in bed, but I told him physical contact is not advisable when one person is feeling a little ill. And I thought he feels a little feverish and I have to start the temp job on Wednesday. He ignored my protests, whines incoherently about 'just a while, I feel so sick, I miss you, not going to see you etc' and pulled me down anyway. I bet his secretary will faint when she sees how he conducts himself with me when he wants things his way. But he's so lovable sometimes.

I helped Nic to pack for his Chicago trip last night. All he has to do is put in his toiletries (toothbrush and shaver mainly, he has one complete set of all other toiletries for all his overseas trips.) tomorrow morning.

Still feeling very depressed about the high school crush. Been thinking alot about the past lately, to the extent I find it hard to focus. I will be starting the temporary job this Wednesday for two weeks. Hopefully it will take my mind off that stupid crush. I wonder if he feels the same way about me. We are all happily attached now, but does his heart still skip a bit like mine always do when he sees me? Does he look forward to seeing me at those high school reunions? Does he ever wonder what it would be like if we were together? Does he have a tinge of regret sometimes and think about me wistfully? We will never ever socialise with each other privately outside of our high school friends, but does he have a special place in his heart for me? That's all I want to know. We won't date, he's marrying his gf soon, so there's nothing else to say but I still would very much want to know how he feels toward me. I don't think he will ever break up with his current gf. His opinions used to matter a lot to me. For a while, I convinced myself he's nobody to me, but now I have come to realise his opinions about me still matter a lot to me.

Saw his gf at another friend's party last Friday. Talk about small world. The world is indeed smaller when you are talking about rivals and enemies. I seem to sense this hostility and animosity coming from her. Perhaps her instincts tell her that I am after her guy. Girls have strong instincts and more often than not, they are accurate, except for mine. I tried to be friendly to her nonetheless. Perhaps I am over-reading things. Yes again, she reiterated that they are getting married. I get it, seriously. He's off limits. He's spoken for. I have Nic who is more than 10 times more desirable than him in so many aspects. Stop showing him off like a trophy. Yes I am not married yet I am living with him. That makes me a slut someone doesn't even love enough to want to marry but enjoys enough to keep around for quick sex. I know how to manage my relationship. For the record, Nic did bring up the issue of marriage sometime back and we both think it's too soon to be contemplating that. Don't preach to me about morals. You ain't exactly a saint either. And yes I am out of a job for those slow on the uptake.

Jackass. Jerk and jackass. What a perfect match. Now I know.

I hate it when we go to bed upset with each other. I don't like the bitterness and anger to breed overnight, making it more difficult to resolve subsequently. I want to nip the problem in the bud before it escalates into something more serious. So I always insist on some sort of reconciliation before we sleep, so that at least we drift off to zzz-land on happy terms. But this was not the case last night. I noticed that we have been bickering quite a little recently, usually over trivial things. It's trivial, but why do I see the need to throw a fit? It's my fault mainly. Can we stop this? Why are we getting on each others' nerves or rather, why am I always getting on your nerves? Why are you so impatient? Please let us make things right before you leave for Chicago.

I am really depressed these last couple of days ever since the fateful lunch with the high school crush. I cannot believe they are actually getting married. You jerk! She's so wrong for you. How could you choose her over me? I hate you both. I just want an answer from you. I don't know why. But I just want to know. I don't believe. I feel stupid really. Why am I still bothered by this after so many years. Don't I remember those times when he was really cruel to me? JERK! Just keel over and die. Both of you. The fact that I can't share my angst over this matter with Nic or with anyone at all makes it worse. I felt like crying a couple of times but yet I had to hold my emotions and tears back in front of him. This is so unhealthy. But I think he could tell I am upset over some matter, but not really sure what. I know if I continue this way about that crush, one day I will surely lose Nic for good. I don't want that. But I am really upset.

Met the high school crush and the gf by chance yesterday when I was with 2 close girlfriends and we sat down for lunch together. My heart still skips a beat when I see him, and I thought my feelings for him have waned over the years. . Well, I concede my heart knows better than I would care to admit. Seems like they are planning to get married soon. I am happy with Nic now but I still feel a knot in my stomach when I heard that. All I am looking for is an answer. I want to know if he has or ever had any sort of romantic feelings for me, even the most remote. But then so what if his answer is yes, will we pursue those feelings further now? The correct timing is everything. We have passed that time. But all I want is an answer. So that I could curse myself to death for not holding on to him when it matters most? So that I can live my life around a ton of 'what-ifs' and 'what-nots'? And break 2 relationship s and 4 hearts in the process and leave 4 more unhappy souls on this place? But I am just desperate for an answer. At least I know he does feel for me and I am not imagining it.

A couple of things...

Nic will be travelling to Chicago on 1 Feb for a week for some management meeting and presentation. So I will be alone. But it's just for one week. The upside is I always get to use his car when he's travelling so at least I have the companionship and convenience of his car when he's not around.

He has stopped all his 'you need to make it up to me' routine after my major meltdown over the 'bastards' issue. He just stopped totally. So that's a good thing.

My insomnia is almost cured, I think. I can almost sleep at will.

An ex-colleague needs a temporary secretary for a client for about 2 weeks. She has asked me to fill in, and I told her it shouldn't be a problem, but I probably need to re-schedule some of my prior engagements. If things work out fine, I would be glad to fill in. Of course I don't have any prior engagements, in fact, my calendar's as empty as empty could be. But I just want to think about it and in case I change my mind, at least I could simply say there's one engagement I can't extricate myself from. I told her I will confirm with her tomorrow. The pay isn't that great, but at least I will have some extra cash to buy that purple shirt I still have my mind on.

I told Nic last night as he was doing some leisure reading, as he always does before bed, (sci-fi to night, which I really don't get) that I think life is unfair. If we see our lots in life as being pre-ordained, then what that's delivered to me is the shortest end of all the possible sticks in the basket. I am not as successful as one nor as beautiful as the other. He thinks that's a very pessimistic and fatalistic perspective. He advocates a more positive and proactive outlook on life. He asked me to define success and also to bear in mind that one's success can only be precisely measured at the end of one's life. How profound.

He said that the 'lots' that he mentioned are to a large extent, experiences and consequences that follow as a result of the decisions that we make consciously. They are a function of the actions that we choose to take. It' not a package that's alloted to you and falls on your lap at birth. Anyway, even if we choose to believe we do have alloted lots in life, I am still living my life, so technically speaking, we don't know for sure what my precise lot is, so that contention is not accurate. There's no such thing as fair or unfair in lives, and also no such thing as superior or inferior lots. Life is just different for everybody. It's just different. That's how life works. We are worse off than some people, but better off than others. He said, ' For what it's worth, while I cannot say for certain the extent of your success, I am very sure you are more beautiful than them. Most beautiful at least to me.' All that he said made an awful lot of sense, but the last part made my day. So thanks darling. I get more intelligent everyday just by talking to you.

When Nic came back last night, I was already in bed sleeping. All the crying really cured my insomnia. I heard the sound of keys and I woke up. I had been sleeping for the most of the day and yet I couldn't help yawning as he walked toward me. The first thing he said was, 'Much better, sweetie?'. I don't know what came over me, but I feel like crying as soon as I saw him and heard his voice and started sobbing again when I tried to talk. Sometimes I am such an emotional basketcase. He took me into in arms and told me I am so silly to cry over such trivial things. That I shouldn't let those people affect me at all. That I should just be happy and ignore them. And of course he said lots of good things to make me feel good about myself. That I am so intelligent and bright but yet so silly to succumb to such pathetic attempts by people to make me feel so lousy about myself. And lots of good things. I hope he meant them, at least he looked like he did really say them in sincerity. Comparisons are odious, he said. And how true. (Of course not odious when you are on the winning side of the competition obviously.) He held me close and explained as he cradled me like a baby in his arms, 'Sometimes you just can't compare people cos we go through different lots in life and for some reason or another, destinies or whatever you want to call it, lead you to different destinations. People should be judged based on their own merits. And you do have quite a few of that.' It made me feel so protected and I just want the world to stop and capture that moment in my eternal memory.

The thing about crying is that the more you try to fight it, the harder it is to resist it and sooner or later, you succumb to it. So following the logic of 'better sooner than later', I let my tears flow freely and true enough after a while, you still feel sad, but there are just no more tears and you feel a sense of serenity cos of the release of the emotions. My eyes were really tired after all the crying and I fell asleep soon after and was awakened by Nic's call in the afternoon. Upon hearing his voice, my voice started shaking and I started to cry again. I think it startled him a little to have his cheerful call greeted by my sobs and he asked me if this is about what the girlfriend said yesterday. He said, 'Babe, I told you to ignore what she said.' I said it's not her and told him (or at least tried to) about the damn conversation in the morning. I don't know how much he managed to glean in between my sobs, well we'll know later when he comes back. Now I feel like crying again. He couldn't stay and talk for long as he's needed in a conference, but his voice and concern was so comforting.

Bastards! Ungrateful bastards! Ingrates! You get my drift. I am breathing fire today cos of a very very disturbing conversation I had with bastards about bastards. What a great way to start a morning!

With each passing day, I see myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am cursed for life. Cursed by myself, cursed by the relatively smooth-sailing life I had in my early years. Now I resist religions of any sort cos I have stopped believing in them or rather too scared to believe in them only to be disappointed or to realise that my lot in life is pre-ordained. I only want one thing in life, and no one could make it happen. So what's there to believe in life? This is a really morbid thought, but then again it's not a thought that happens to hit me randomly. I have always had morbid thoughts. When I was a young girl of about 6-7 years old, I remember always thinking that I won't live beyond 12 and when I did, the next threshold I thought I wouldn't cross was the Year 1997. For obscure reasons known only to higher powers (if they do indeed exist), 1997 meant a lot to me. Again when I survived, I thought surely my good luck would run out by the dawn of the new millenium. When I survived that year again, I really really thought I would die before 2002, before I graduated from college. Surely I must die, I wouldn't be able to live beyond age 22. But now I am still alive and kicking and I would very much like to belive it's a blessing though I very much object to the way my life has panned out, that is if I have a choice (which Nic adamantly thinks I have) and if my objection matters. I know I am worse off than many bastards but certainly very much better off than lots of pitable souls around. So that much I am thankful for. As for the rest, NO thanks!

I am crying as I am typing this. Luckily, no one's around at home and I would definitely be packed away to a mental facility. It's times like these that I really really miss G. He restored my confidence in myself and when he disappeared, he took away everything. Tell me why I shouldn't be commited to a mental house.

I told Nick about what that girlfriend said about me jumping everytime he snaps his fingers and asked him what he thought about it.

And he laughed and said, 'Ha, obviously she has no idea what goes on around here.'
'So you feel flattered others look at us that way?'
'Well, frankly, only if it's true but we both know we don't work that way. But it's a cheap thrill to have someone think so highly of me, babe. '
'It's not funny. I am very upset someone thinks this way about me.'
'Ignore her. She's not the best person to be dispensing relationship advice.'
'She thinks I am developing a pattern for relying on you for everything. You think I am leeching off you?'
'Only if I buy you the $279-shirt we saw yesterday.'
'Then don't.'
'Don't worry. I won't.'

And I also told him about my unemployed status and how everyone, my parents, my sisters especially, seems to be on my back about it. His advice to me is to think about my plans for myself, explore my options and don't be too eager to jump into another job. Jumping into another job is the worst course of action for someone like me who's at the crossroads of her career path.

Went shopping with a girlfriend today and I told her about the little drama that happened with Nic last week. She said Nic is chipping off my independence bit by bit and I should go get a job and at least make sure I am financially independent, so that I won't need to 'jump everytime Nic snaps his fingers'. Those were her exact words. I was hurt and very offended by what she said.I told her matter-of-factly that I don't jump when he snaps his fingers. If anybody does jump when somebody snaps her fingers, she has got the roles reversed. He gives in to my every whim, and admittedly, as unreasonable as they may be sometimes. And I went on and gave her examples of such instances. And she might also want to know we keep our finances separate. For pete's sake, I stopped working for only a few weeks. Why is everyone making such a big fuss about it? What is inappropriate about living with your boyfriend while you are in between jobs? I mean we were staying together when I was on my previous job. While I am looking for my next job, do I have to move out in the interim? I don't intend to stay unemployed forever and leech off him. I am only taking a break, on a brief hiatus, not exactly declaring an eternal moratorium on gainful employment. She said the episode last week just goes to show that apparently circumstances have changed without my noticing and it should serve as a major wake-up call. Sorry, but none needed.

Just tucked Nic nicely to bed. Yes, that's what I did. He insisted that I cuddled with him in bed till he's asleep and then I can do whatever the hell I want. He's still very clingy and it tickles me cos this sort of needy behavior is so out of character for him. Prior to our little altercation last week, I could never have possibly imagined him acting like that. Not that I am complaining, but I would rather be the needy, pouty, petulant and pampered one in the relationship. The one whose every whim and fancy is indulged by the ever accommodating, loving and over-indulgent boyfriend. The one who cries and hollers to get her way. It's just so much easier to be pampered than to pamper. This used to be the way and it's the way things are supposed to be! Well, now the situation seems to have reversed. He whines and pouts to get his way and justifies his behavior by saying " you need to make it up to me, remember? I have spoilt you rotten, now you have to learn to accommodate me, babe." Ok, 3 more days of making it up to you in whatever way you choose and that's it. No more of accomodating to you. 3 Days later, I expect natural order, or at least some semblance of order to be restored. Amen.

Did some shopping today, a purple shirt with frills caught my eye, but it's so expensive. 279 bucks for a shirt. That sure is indulgent. And this is not the best time to spend freely, especially when I am not gainfully employed. I though it would complement the white skirt I bought last week. Why the hell am I buying so many new clothes at a time when I am not working? What occassion would I have to wear them?

I feel so alert now, eyes wide open. I forsee that for at least the rest of the week, sleep would be an elusive thing to me. Well, not a surprise, considering I spent the whole of yesterday and today in bed (not sleeping the entire time, obviously. He wanted to be compensated for the lack of affection and loving the last week, so lots of cuddling and loving, talking, fooling around, of course not forgetting the hot tub session I owed him from Friday night, and some light reading). He's like unusually clingy (Yes, Dear, you are the needy one!) the last two days. The long and short of it was that it was a well-rested day for me.

Last night was good. Very romantic. We had a really good talk. Thank you, Nic. What will I do without you? And he's no longer mad. Of course, how could he bring himself to be after I had employed all my feminine wiles?

He came home pretty late and cleaned up and went to bed. I could tell he was really tired. It's been a long week for him. He was lying on the bed and staring into the ceiling when I went into the room. I went up and sat beside him, held his hand, and tried to initiate some sort of conversation.

'How was your day, Dear?'
No response.
'What's on your mind, Nicholas?'
'Nothing, just tired. And I want to sleep now.' He then closed his eyes.
I lay on the bed and rested my head on his shoulder. I knew it's a Saturday the next day, which means no work. So I was determined to really have a good talk.
'Are you never going to talk to me again? Are you still angry? How long are you going to stay angry?
No response.
I tugged at his arm. He opened his eyes and I looked at him, with a slightly annoyed look. It was my way of telling him that I really wanted us to talk. No more putting it off.
'I am not angry, just very upset.'
'I am sorry, Nic. I have said it many times and I will say it however more times you want me to say, and I surely mean it each time I say it.'
'What are you sorry for?'
'Sorry for what I said.'
'I am upset with what you felt, Michelle. More upset cos that's what you really felt. And you are entitled to those feelings, so you have nothing to apologise for. But Mich, seriously, have you thought about what I mean to you, relative to the someone you have been pining for? I am totally committed to this relationship but are you?Perhaps you are in a wrong relationship and so am I. If that's what you truly feel, I can only say my affections for you are misplaced.'
' I won't call him, Nic. And it's because I don't want to.'
'Call him or don't. It's your decision.'
' And I am telling you that's my decision. Nic, my feelings toward G, and please don't misinterpret and assume it to be romantic feelings, are very complex. It's more of an ego-booster for me that he called me cos he exited from my life that abruptly and that was the one thing I found difficult to accept. And now that I know he's called, I know he still cares for me at some level, that's good enough for me. You don't know how it's like to be dumped so unceremoniously. Would have been better if I had listened to what he had to say, but in retrospect, it's not something I want to do at the risk of jeopardising our relationship.' I buried my face into his shoulder and continued to hold his hand.
'So are we all good now?' I looked up at him, desperate for an answer in the affirmative.
He stroke my hair gently. So that's a yes.
'You look so fierce and act so fierce when you are upset. It's scary. Scared the hell out of me.'
'You meant what you said? not the fierce part. the part about not wanting to do anything to risk our relationship?'
I responded with a kiss on his cheek and rested my head on his arm.
'Do a proper kiss at least.' First smile in five days, what a relief.
'Nope you don't deserve it. You rejected me and made me feel lousy.
'Didn't know you could be so clingy. I should get mad more often.'
'You were very cruel, Nic. Couldn't you tell I was really sorry?'
'Well, I was tempted to give in, frankly. But I was really upset. If you had cried, I would have melted. So try crying next time?'
'Jerk, I almost wanted to cry.'

We talked about lots of other stuff too. About his ex-girlfriends. About our parents. About his job. About those ungrateful bastards in my life. About pressure and expectations from others. He told me in all seriousness ' Sweetie, it's really easy to be happy. It's your choice, it's an easy choice to make.' And to all those people who expect me to conform to certain expectations they have set for me, tell them ' My success doesn't need to happen according to your schedule.'

We snuggled against each other and chatted till about 3am before we drifted to dreamland. At one point, he wanted to go cuddle in the hot tub. I told him I was too tired and too cold to want to immerse myself in water, despite knowing how comfortable it would be. Ok, I was just plain lazy. He said 'I thought it would be a good way for you to make it up to me.' Well, let's make it up to you in other ways, Nic.

I woke up at about 7am and wanted to get up from the bed. He pulled me down again and said it's still early and we should cuddle some more.
'So who's the clingy one?'
'You are, sweetheart. You like cuddling and snuggling. Besides, it's damn early.'
We woke up at 9am, all giggly cos we were fooling around. What a great way to start a long weekend...last time I checked, he's dozed off in the couch. He's had really a long week.

He's gone to the office. I thought he's arranged to work from home today, well apparently not. I think he's trying to avoid me. I got into bed quite late last night, and slept peacefully throughout the night. I didn't even know when he woke up or left the house.

I snuggled up against him again last night, putting my head on his arm and reaching one arm across his chest. I just miss hugging him like that. He stirred a little, but he didn't push me away. In his half asleep and groggy-like state, he asked me, ' what time is it, sweetie?'. I think in his daze, he had forgotten that we have yet to call a truce on the current situation. haha.

I have been having problems sleeping recently. Hit by the insomnia bug, perhaps. I feel so awake and alert at night. I am not working, so I have lots of time on my hands and of course enough time to steal a nap or two during the daytime. This lifestyle is so unhealthy, not to mention how lacking in self-discipline it is.

I think I should get a job. I was so sick of my last job, I resigned without much thought and of course on Nic's encouragement. Since I don't have that many accounts to pass on to my successor, my boss was agreeable to releasing me as soon as I had finished my hand-over. That was the only good thing he's done for me, in my short stint there.

My attempts to get Nic to talk failed again. This guy is really one stubborn person if you push the right buttons. I think I managed to push all of them right this time. I don't know what he feels, so how can I proceed to make things right?

Again, I snuggled up against him during his obligatory before-bedtime reading, (he has such an eclectic taste in books), locking my arms into his and slipping my fingers into his, he did not falter and he did not acknowledge my presence either. He didn't even so much as look at me like he did yesterday. He continued reading. I started to move my other hand up and down his arm casually to elicit any kind of response from him. He looked at me briefly and I smiled at him. His expression told me he didn't appreciate the brushing action on his arm and I stopped. He returned to his reading. We stayed that way for about 15mins. He then carefully disengaged himself from my arms, went for a drink of water and came back and slept carefully on one side of the bed.

He totally ignored me and I don't like to be ignored. I like him because he treats me like a princess and makes me feel adored and loved. How can I prod him into saying something, anything at all. If you are angry, lash out at me. If you are upset, tell me exactly why. Just say something.

I am so weak. I couldn't resist calling him on his cellphone again. As expected. he didn't answer. But he called me back 15 mins later to say he was on his way home. Tone was still curt and abrupt. I wonder how long he's going to stay mad. At least he bothered to return my call. What about the dozens of missed calls throughout today he didn't return?

It's totally unlike me to be so needy. I admit I am pretty high-maintenance emotionally, but by objective standards, I am still considered quite independent. That's what G told me and he said that's why he felt very comfortable with me. I am not needy. I don't know what it is about Nic that makes me want to rely on him so much. I feel like a parasite sometimes, just leeching onto him. Perhaps it's the way he treasures me so much he makes me feel so precious. He does little things just to let me know I am always on his mind though sometimes he may not be able to spend as much time with me as he would like to. It's scary the way how someone can erode your independence bit by bit. I told him this before and he said it's his warped way of demonstrating his love to his girl.

I must really sit him down tonight for a good talk. I lost G once, I don't want to make the same mistake with him again. I realised I have been so fixated on the past to get a grip on my present life. Maybe if I start crying, he would be more amenable to the idea of talking.

Again, he's avoiding my calls today. It's so dangerous and unhealthy even, to have your world revolving around one person only. You are so preoccupied with thoughts about him. That happened with G, and still I didn't learn my lesson well. I shouldn't have resigned from my job. I should have deliberated on it longer. Now I have no work commitments, few friends and family members whom I don't see often except only on special ocassions, which are few and far between.

It's a torture sleeping beside someone who doesn't even want the slightest body contact with you. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't help but want to snuggle up to him and use his arm like a pillow to rest my head, like I always do with him, or with G. But I don't like to be pushed away and I didn't want to risk that. It feels lousy to be rejected. It's humiliating. But I so badly wanted to initiate some sort of reconciliation. And also I miss cuddling with him. So despite myself, I snuggled up to him anyway and locked my fingers into his. If he noticed it, he didn't show it.

When I woke up this morning, he was already getting ready to go to work and again left the house without so much as a 'Goodbye'. I feel so ashamed of myself now and I should. He mentioned last week he would be working from home tomorrow, so he can sleep in for a little while longer. Hopefully he would be in a better mood to talk tonight.

I finally managed to get through to him on his cellphone. He answered it on the second ring, perhaps instinctively and realised too late it was me. I said ' are you still working?' in my sweetest and most solicitous voice and all I got was a curt 'I can't talk now. I will be back in a few.' And he hung up.

Perhaps he meant he can't bring himself to talk to me, maybe not ever again. He has always been sweet and patient to me. I think he's really mad this time.

He just got home an hour ago. Cleaned up and went straight to bed, all curled up and unresponsive. When he was doing some light reading on the bed, I tried to sit close to him, hoping to slip some conversation in, he remained unfazed. I locked my arms into his, trying again to be closer to him. He looked at me, then away, continued reading for a while or rather pretended to, and pushed me away gently before he curled up on one side of the bed and tried to sleep. I hugged him from behind and reached one arm across his chest. He stirred alittle but still did not move or say anything.

He's never been like this before. So I don't know how to react to this. For how long is he going to keep this up? Please don't ignore me, Nic.

Somehow, and now it doesn't matter how, I found out he kept G's call from me. He actually did. And he called one month ago. Almost two weeks before christmas. Possibly to make plans for christmas. Possibly to wish me well. That was all I needed. You have no business answering calls on my cellphone. Those are personal calls. Private.

He looked so hurt when I confronted him that almost immediately I felt ashamed of even bringing this up. He said it slipped his mind. He didn't think it was anything important. If it was, he would have called again. It was a genuine case of unintentional oversight. He really meant to tell me about it. And he did ask G to call back. And he said it with so much sincerity I felt impelled to believe him. But still I couldn't hold back muttering something under my breath. "How convenient - sin of omission rather than commission." I came across this phrase recently in a book and I thought it aptly describes this present situation. And really it came out before I consciously knew it and immediately I wished that I could take it back. I don't really mean it that way. He heard it and turned away, disappointed and disgusted that I didn't credit him with more integrity than this. I told him I am sorry.

I find it tiring that I always have to be the person apologising in this relationship. Not that all these apologies were unwarranted. In fact, they were all rightfully due to him for very good reasons. To be more specific, I think I am tired that I have so many things to apologise for simply by being in a relationship with him. I came into his life with so much baggage from my previous relationship with G. And it's not fair to him that he has to be at the receiving end of so much crap from me. Dear, I am sorry once again. I think I said this so many times that now it trivalises the issues that I should be truly sorry for.

I feel so conflicted right now. So overwhelmed with conflicting emotions that I don't know what to make of this seeming ambivalence I feel toward this situation. I can't even begin to try to comprehend all these emotions.

All I know is that I am very disturbed and unsettled by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me for two days. No sight and no sound from him. Usually I can expect at least one call from him when he's at work. Till now, there is still no call from him since yesterday. And at home, he looks through me like I am transparent. He totally ignores me when I try to talk to him, and continues to read or type his emails intently. He turns away from me when we sleep, carefully occupying only one side of his bed. He leaves and enters the house without a trace. And he's late tonight. I can expect him to be home anytime or maybe not for a long time. Last night, he was late too. He didn't confirm dinner plans. I tried to get him to talk to me, but my efforts were rebuffed and met with a stoic silence. He doesn't answer his cellphone when I call him. His secretary screens all his calls and apparently for the last two days he's been in endless meetings, video conferences, tele conferences and what have you. His direct line is always directed to a voice message system. I don't want to have to resort to calling him from a bat line or writing him emails to force him to respond to me. I think I have really upset him this time. To even my own surprise, missing G and returning his call seem to be the furthest thing from my mind now.

Dear, please don't tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. This is something I most dread hearing. I hope this is not code for you want us to marry. This is such an interesting reversal of roles. Apparently in our case, the male is not the commitment phobic party in the relationship, contrary to universally accepted beliefs about attitudes of the two genders to commitment and marriage, well-founded beliefs that have their bases in evolutionary theory, physiology, psychology etc.

Let me try to rationalise it for you. I am not sure I am good enough for you. I don't have a phobia about commitment nor do I have intimacy issues. I am ready to commit but only to the right person. Simply put, I am not sure if you are the right person on whom my commitment and affection should be placed wholly. I don't think it would be misplaced if I really do that but my mind is plagued with 'what-ifs'. What if G has a change of mind? What if he comes back one day? I really believe he will one day. It's my gut feeling. It's neither far-fetched nor absurdly remote. It can happen only if we want it too. Both of us are proud people. We need someone to take the first step but neither is willing to put our pride aside to initiate something, something at all. It's so simple but yet so difficult. Which is why I find it difficult to let go cos I know I can make things right if I back down. G, I can't help but wonder, if what we share between us can be so easily overcome by pride, is it something worth holding on to? If it's something that's not held more dearly than pride, perhaps we are not right for each other. If we are we would find it in ourselves to let what we share erode this barrier of pride that's keeping us from each other. That said, Dear, don't you think it's unfair to commit yourself to a person who takes you for granted and puts you on sort of a KIV list. You deserve better, dear. Really. I feel so much guilt toward you and I am always overwhelmed by a profound sense of sadness when you try your best to make things right for us in every way. I feel all wrong inside. It's like someone wrung my gut. But I don't feel enough remorse, cos if I do, I would have left you. But I am selfish. I want to hold on to something, anything at all to stay afloat. You are such a comfort. Sometimes, I think the lack of proper closure to the relationship with G has left me blind to you. There are so many unresolved feelings and issues that I don't comprehend and this has kept me from reaching out to others. Things happened so fast. He disappeared from my life so fast and literally vanished into thin air. But I don't feel comfortable sharing these intimate thoughts about my relationship with G with you. I don't know how you might react. Let's just enjoy what we have now, shall we? Let's leave things as they are.

We have moved. Does he know? Given he does, would he come? I don't think so. You are cruel. You walk away so fast. How could you? Despite this, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you. Wasn't it great for you while it lasted? Or at least pleasant if not memorable. I don't understand how you could walk away just like that. How you could forget so easily. That busy? This is the holiday season for Pete's sake. I think I will just have to steel myself and move on. I won't miss you even if you don't come back. I am so helpless against you. Tell me what you want me to do and I will do it. There is no santa. There is no God. There is nothing.