Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

I want him to come back. I want to live my life the way I envisioned it to be. That's all. Don't say no. You can make it happen.

So many Christmas Presents to prepare! What should I get for them? CDs, VCDs, books, purses, accessories or just maybe a card? Lord no, the last one is just too miserly. This is the season to celebrate the spirit and joy of giving. Yes that I understand, but what about the spirit of reciprocity? (Oh, that's taken care of by Thanksgiving). Will I get as many presents back? I doubt it...

It's so expensive and time-consuming to pay tribute to this tradition.
The scouting for the right gift, the wrapping, working within budgets...

But there's one special friend I will make it a point this year to give a little something to. I am so sorry for not making a bigger effort to stay in touch. I hope a little something this christmas will make up a little for it. I am just swamped with lots. This is not an excuse. It's an explanation for my lukewarm attitude to lots of people around me. But I will be devastated if we drift away from each others' lives cos of this. I just hope you don't probe cos I am not sure if I am ready to let you into this part of my life and yet I don't want you to think I am retreating into incommunicado mode again. As a matter of fact, indeed I am. I mean to say I am already in that mode, in fact, I have always been and I think will still be in the forseeable future. I am uncommunicative and reticent by nature. (More on this in later posts) The problem is with me. I have built impregnable walls around me and the walls just get laid upon each time something goes wrong. This tendency to build walls is born largely of my constant need to protect myself. Protect myself from what? I haven't quite figured that out yet. Protect my weaknesses and vulnerabilties from the view of others, protect my feelings from the scrutiny of others, protect myself from criticism and judgement etc. I don't like others to see my vulnerable side. I have so many fears. Sometimes I feel I need a little help from others, but am either too proud or too scared to ask for it as it's tantamount to an admission of my weaknesses. But we all do need help at some point or another don't we?

Maybe I will hold off the present for a little while more.

Continuing with the thread of the previous entry on gifts...

I also got another bracelet sometime last week. I feel so blessed sometimes. And the giver made sure to tell me that it's not for christmas when I commented that it's an early christmas prezzie. Sometimes, we just forget we don't need an occasion to buy gifts for one another.

I feel so lucky, but if it's not too much to ask for, can I have better prezzies next time? Like cosmetics (blusher, lipstick, lip gloss, powder) or skincare products, or books (yes any book, fiction or non-fiction, bios are fine too). Accessories and clothes ae fine too, but be sure to be more observant about my taste for such things.

The bracelet is quite ugly actually. It's not a matter of opinion. Everyone, undoubtedly will find it ugly, except only for the person(s) who designed, manufactured, distributed / sold and is / are still selling or distributing it. I hope they have stopped production. It's just so wrong. It's also a cheap bracelet. That's besides the point. It's not the price, I don't equate price of a gift to the thought and affection that go into buying the gift.

I call it a fruity bracelet cos of the fruits (berries, apples, cherries) hanging off the bracelet for ornamental reasons. It's highly questionable how successfully those fruities have managed to enhance the aesthetic appeal of the bracelet cos they are in fact the very reasons why I find the bracelet ugly. My advice to the designer: Less is more. Simplicity is bliss.

What that is more confounding is why anyone would buy it in the first place and especially you? Or is it a recycled prezzie?

I don't think there's ever a chance it will grow on me. There is no redeeming quality, unlike the case of the ugly plastic ring. I will still keep it, nonetheless, for two good reasons. One, the old truism...it's the thought that counts and I try not to recycle presents. It's bad karma and I mean this in every sense of the word. You may find yourself at the receiving end of the same present from hell yet again and you rob yourself literally of one chance to be shocked or surprised with another gift (be it from hell or heaven). Bad karma, what goes round comes round and I try as far as possible to break the cycle here. Two, there ain't a soul whom I think will appreciate this bracelet and it reflects badly on me to give a prezzie to someone whom I think will not like what I got for them. It shows a lack of sincerity and thought on my part in getting the gift and defeats the purpose of the gift.

You know how some gifts just grow on you? They don't catch your eye at first glance, but you grow attached to them after sometime.

Someone gave me a big, flashy plastic ring last week. Very showy, it's huge and looks like a big rock on my small fingers. It just screams for attention to the wearer's finger. Totally out of synch with my usual taste for dainty accessories and I felt an instinctive distaste for it. The only redeeming quality is the relatively simple design which plays down the ostentation attached to its sheer size. But yesterday, I thought I would just wear it for fun and guess what, now I simply adore it! The delicate little crystals are just like stars in the galaxy and its big size complements my small fingers perfectly. Some pesky spider commented that it looks cheap. But hey, it's not supposed to look otherwise. It's a plastic ring meant to be worn casually. It takes nothing less than a girl like me to do it justice. Ok ok, I concede I am cheap...hahaha. A nice change from my usual penchant for small rings or bracelets, with intricate design. What can I say? Big is beautiful, babe! It's still ugly but it's my ring.

More entries coming up, I am on a roll today!

How can two people be so alike and yet so different? If you lie even about something that is as trivial as age, what are your real intentions then? Your fake age isn't all that different from your real age, assuming what you told me the first time is true. It's not as if your lie puts you in a totally different age group. 2 Years seem insignificant enough, but it's the fact that you felt you had to lie bothers me. Unless you were lying on both ocassions. And I thought you were as close to Guy as anyone can possibly get. And I thought you were the serendipitous second one in the second million who crossed my path yet again. I don't see how we can continue if you feel you need to hide something so minor from me. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. This holds true even for serendipitous finds.

This proves only one thing: Guy is indeed one of a kind. Dearie, my dearie.

Dear dear, what have you done to me? You spoilt me rotten. Where can I find another person who will intrigue me like you did? Expand my vision like you did? Continually stimulate me intellectually like you did too? You set the bar so high, and how can anyone measure up to you? Each time I meet someone new, invariably I end up comparing them to you and see how they hold up. But you are a tall order. It's unfair to them and most of all, unfair to me.

You know how pretty boys hold no appeal for me. I need someone who is at least my intellectual equal (and I don't even think I am nearly as intelligent as you gave me credit for) to talk about worldly matters, contemporary issues, social science, psychology etc. Apparently it is indeed a tall order to meet someone like that. Are you really one in a million? I just enjoy engaging conversations. What's wrong with that? People choose visually more appealing people to date. I simply want to have a choice of dating people who appeals to and stimulates my intellect. People think I am a snob, but I really just want a significant other who gets me, who can at least hold a decent conversation with me. Am I any more snobbish than someone who decides who to date based on their appearances? No one wants to grow old with someone who is stupid. Maybe like what AL said, maybe we don't deserve any better.

We hold out for everything and we eventually end up with nothing - this resonates with such unnerving reality for me. We hold out for the illusion of Prince Charming but the reality is that we might end up with nothing. My day of nothing seems to be getthing closer.

I dreamt of him again two nights ago. I have lost count of the number of times he's appeared in my dreams. A friend who was also a schoolmate since we were 15 and all the way till we were 18. I don't think anyone knew of my secret admiration for him.

Well he started dating another mutual friend shortly after he started college. I thought he felt something for me when we were in our junior year though. I still reminisce about those days when we would have lunch and goof around a little, play cards after school. But then something went very wrong and I am sure it was not my paranoia at work, and I started sensing hostility in our conversations. It was so palpable and it upset me that he didn't bother to be at least civil. I don't know for sure when it started, but I suppose it was a gradual process, which was why it slipped my notice, or rather I chose not to notice it. If I had acknowledged it, I would feel impelled to do something about the tension between us. I think I know a little why he's upset with me. He thought I was a spoilt brat. He was upset at first, and his irritation at me grew and he became mad over the slightest things, then grew increasingly impatient and finally I think I repulsed him. At least he made me feel that way. And I got mad at him too, cos I don't know what the hell went wrong. Then I think I firmly put the budding relationship on the path of destruction by acting exactly like the brat he thought I was. I was sarcastic ( I already was, but more often than not I intended it to be sarcastic humor which is always totally lost on people outside my group of trustworthy girlfriends.) and arrogant. We were angry with each other for the whole of the senior year and that's when he grew closer with the mutual friend. And I got mad at this friend too and she was conspicuously excluded from most of my social activities. To this day, I still very much resent that friend for covertly 'stealing' him away from me. It's silly, I know. I was young. I had my fair share of problems at home, mainly financial, which I did not share with anyone at school and I didn't think I deserved this relationship crap from this guy.

Now we see each other only occasionally with a bunch of ex classmates. I could be over-reading this but I think he looks at me differently than he does at other classmates and seems to genuinely enjoy what I say and his eyes seem to linger on me a little longer than necessary. And when I return his look, he looks down and averts eye contact. I thought I saw guilt there a couple of times. He seems to be avoiding eye contact with me. But the last time we met, he looked at me a couple of times in the eye and even pulled a funny face when we were joking. Sometimes he makes harmless gibes at me in a joking manner (god, I miss that) or try to engage himself in a conversation with my clique of friends, but never directly with me. He steals glances at me too and when I look his way, he diverts his gaze quickly. He's so shy sometimes, but is this his shyness at work or an indication of something more? His current girlfriend, that is the mutual friend (and hell yes, they are still together after all these years) is always present and it hurts me to see them together. I don't think it's jealousy, but I am really mad to see them together. I guess a part of me feels sore and bitter that I have lost and they have won. And I am still very mad at him when I think of the bad times we had and I would sometimes completely ignore him over big chunks of conversations over meals and conveniently exclude him. I hate seeing them so happy together. They aren't all that affectionate with each other in public actually, but I still hate to see them sitting together. I am a psychopath in the making!

Sometimes I wonder if I should go ahead and confront him with these unresolved feelings. And then rationality takes over and decides I have too much pride to do that. I don't think I can handle the rejection, even the prospect of it is frightening, considering that we socialise in almost perfectly overlapping circles of friends and mutual acquaintances. Imagine the scandal if he rejects me and assures me it's all in my over-imaginative mind. His girlfriend for one would personally provide exclusives to our social circles. Scandalous, no way! But I don't believe he feels nothing for me. But you know para schizos have such a knack for believing the wrong things, thus it's better not to act on our thoughts. yeah...discretion is the better part of valour. Never appreciated the wisdom of this more.

To set the record straight, I don't think I love him. But sure enough, I like him. Why else would I be dreaming of him so very often? He was afterall, one of the biggest crushes I ever had. At least he matters to me enough to warrant one blog entry dedicated to my take on my feelings about him. For what it's worth, given what I know about myself, I can confidently say that I am now not very into him by virtue of the fact that I am capable of writing so much about him. He still ranks miserably after Guy. Guy's another story. I tried to write about him here too but wasn't very successful with only a couple of paragraphs.

Anyway, the admiration I had for him has waned over the years. I just feel a sense of loss when I see them together. Cos in my own naive and spiteful ways, I still see him as something (gasp! I mean someone, my objectification of him must be very telling about my feelings toward him) that I lost because I gave someone else an opportunity to take it from me by denying us a chance to work things out. When I see them together, it feels like I have given up something, relinquished my rights to happiness to them. I should have been the blissful one in that all-so-perfect relationship. I won't deny that I secretly hope they spilt someday. I am still keeping my fingers crossed. Mean-spirited of me, I know.

Guy, nonetheless, you are still in first place, you hear me? No one compares to you, they don't even come close.

Bummer. Lost one deal today. BUMMER. It was within my grip. I know who screwed it up for me. You are such a fucking bastard. Go screw yourself over. I hope that guy and gal you chose fuck themselves silly and screw you witless!

I have no idea why spewing expletives seems to be a universal way, and a very efficacious way at that, of letting off some steam. Well, what can I say? It's what we call collective wisdom. It has a calming effect on the nerves, which is exactly the thing I need to reinstate my emotional balance.

It would be even more therapeutic if I could scream my head off to that fucker in person, or at least over the phone. Haven't quite figure a way to do that without losing her fucking account for good. So till then, this blog will be at the receiving end. I hate that I can't show my displeasure in more obvious ways (my subtle hints may be lost on her) at the way she handled the whole situation. Damm pissed I was, and yet my sweet voice and demeanor betrayed nothing. Sometimes I disgust myself. I hope she gleaned something from my affected laugh though. Well maybe not.

Sometimes I wonder.

If my guy has no chance of being selected at all, if you have already made up your mind to select another, why do you still patronise me so by doing all you can to mislead me into thinking otherwise? Luckily, yours truly is not that dumb. Is it because you don't know how to reject me? Let's keep it professional. I won't take it personally. Doesn't mean he's bad, just that he may not be a good fit. And you may have a host of other considerations. I can handle the truth, trust me. I just don't want the guy to have his hopes raised so high it will crush him to pieces if he fails to land the job. And it's a bloody waste of my time to set up those meetings. I think you are a nice person and you don't want to make it appear like you are making things difficult for me and you would rather leave it to another director to do the rejection after he perfunctorily goes through the motions of interviewing. Rejection is part and parcel of my job. I appreciate candidness and an upfront attitude better. I don't know if I am being over-sensitive, but all those things that you are telling me seem to send ominous signals. I hope I am wrong.

To you, please understand sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I started this blog as an attempt to get myself to open up a little to myself. Sounds weird, but that was my intention and it still is. But now I realise this is not happening. Prior to this blog, I "talked" a lot to myself. The therapeutic effect was less than satisfactory but at least I know what I was thinking. Now I am either too tired or too lazy to delve into my thoughts. I don't know what I am thinking, how I feel. I know those thoughts are there at the back of my mind, if only I just make an effort to articulate them in writing, or just verbalise them to myself in my head or at least think about them. I feel like I am losing myself and I am scared. If there's really one thing I am terrified of losing, it would be the ability to articulate my feelings. And that ability happens to be one of those faculties you either use it or lose it, as is the case with most of our physical abilities and cognitive skills . Whether I am happy, sad or angry, I have no way of acknowledging those feelings. It's very sad to not know what to think, what you think. We'll see how it goes.

I think I am losing my voice. Well at least now it seems I have a legitimate reason to be obnoxious to the people who get on my nerves. When you are on the verge of losing your voice, you are entitled to tantrums. Too much to take? When I actually lose my voice, those people can experience the full intensity of my wrath.

Remember the mean thing I was contemplating yesterday? I thought better of it and decided against it. I don't think I would ever have done it anyway. I admit I over-reacted (I blame the bad cough for this). But I still think she needs to be put firmly in her place, though I am not sure I am the best person to do it. Perhaps I can stir it a little with other co-workers? Just an evil thought, and it's not uncommon when you are feeling a little under the weather. We have evil thoughts all the time but we don't act on all of them. A fundamentally good person exercises discretion and restraint through her rational thought process and weigh the consequences of her actions before she acts. And that pest is hellava lucky that I am one such good person.

The truth of the matter is, some of the pesky stuff that happens are nothing more than a mild annoyance in the grand scheme of things. It's all in a day's work. A bothersome sore to the eye they may be, but it would make my life a lot more pleasant if I just let them pass.

But my feelings to those pesky stuff, however much of an over-reaction or exaggeration they are, are no less valid. I try not to unload it on real people in real life, but those repressed feelings still need an outlet, and this blog seems like a viable avenue. So I choose to spew poison here rather than acknowledge them in real life. Such a loser I am.

Bad bad cough today. It's so bad that I feel like vomitting and my throat feels itchy. It must have been the oily noodles I had last night. I am swearing off noodles for a while. It's not supposed to be oily, it's supposed to be noodles in a clear soup, but it looked like it was bathed in oil. Yucks! and I was dumb for eating that crap.

I am contemplating doing something really mean. Mean but justified, at least justifiable to some extent. To someone I hardly know but who pissed me off with her attitude. It wouldn't result in her dismissal ( I am not that big a meanie yet). I think a disciplinary warning would be sufficient remedy for me, though I am not sure if a disciplinary record would put her job security in jeopardy. Bad as her attitude was, it doesn't warrant a dismissal. But she needs to be put in her place.

This is as ludicrous as it gets.

You jackass, please help me to understand which part is unclear. You made an offer. Candidate accepted the offer. Deal is sealed and done. This timeline is as simple as it gets, and you don't dispute this, do you?

Everything happened in a span of two days. He waited a day to accept the offer but I distinctly remember from my Business Law class in first year business school that offer is still valid until it's been retracted and no such thing happened, notwithstanding the absence of a written agreement. (if what I learnt in Business School doesn't have practical applications in reality, the dammed professors should go back to sucking on their thumbs and I demand a refund!) Don't spew legal jargon quoted from your legal counsel to intimidate me. I will reciprocate with poison. Offers are considered to have lapsed only after a reasonably long period of time and one day hardly meets that requirement. And I unequivocally told you we needed one day to revert with an answer (be it acceptance or rejection). You didn't withdraw the offer at any point of time before the acceptance, so it's still valid acceptance. It was your fault, at least admit that and quit trying to cover your arse. You do not have authorisation to make an offer to prospects so have the good sense to seek approval from higher level next time. This is the best way to cover your arse, use the bureaucratic approval process to your advantage, airhead. And don't act like you are some big shot who is senior and important enough to make critical hiring decisions. Don't expect to be excused for your inexperience and over-zealousness. They can harm people and turn the world upside down. And don't threaten me, only desperate people resort to threats as they have nothing up in their sleeves anymore. I may decide to respond to your threats and draft an anonymous (wtf, I think my letter would be so explicit that my identity would be discovered anway) letter to the Regional HQ detailing the specific circumstances surrounding this whole fiasco and how it evolved to the mess you helped to create. I am sure your company can do without the unwanted publicity. Any self-respecting MNC would want as little of that as possible. We may have no legitimate legal grounds but I have a knack for stirring things a little and who says we need legitimate claims for seeking a little damages from the court of public opinion? Ok, I hope your half-working brain knows making it public may be a little far-fetched, but it's not difficult to bring this to the attention of those who matter most to fry your ass alive.

You pissed me off more and I might do just that and stir this BIG. You don't want to risk this.

Anyway, a para schizo likes to pre-empt threats. So I might not need any more prodding to do more. In that way, your threats would never materialise.

Those are least of my concerns now. The question is, how do I explain it to the poor guy? Let's kick their arses together, shall we?