Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

I like pretty things. I like looking at pretty things. And if I could afford it, I would love to own all the pretty things I have ever set my eyes on. *Falls back to earth with a heavy thud* Ok, otherwise, just looking is fine with me too.

I take this - looking at pretty things that is - very seriously. I religiously maintain scrap books, sorted out by category - fashion, nails, accessories, hair, and sub categories even - dresses, casual wear, office wear, hair color, hair styles etc. When I see something I really like from magazines or newspapers (print media mostly) or catologs, I will cut them out and paste them on my scrap books.

And Nic always teases me by saying he can read my heart's desires like a book, literally. He can always flip through one of my scrap books for gift ideas. If it matches something closely in my books, he can be sure it would be something I would like.

******
Just had a very disturbing conversation with a gf, who coincidentally is also unemployed. But she's having a hell lot rougher time than I am cos she said she's getting vibes from her bf that he wants to break up with her. And she wanted me to help brainstorm ideas to keep him. It's pathetic really, and mostly futile, I had wanted to tell her. But it's really easy for me to say cos I am not in her shoes. So it was a really depressing conversation. Anyway, it's just a hunch which might not materialise after all. But if it does, I hope she finds the courage to deal with it. Of course, I will be here for her, regardless.

********
Seems like I am not getting a lot done with my pet project today. I still have missing tracks. But somehow I don't feel the motivation to work on it. Because the deadline is more than 2 months away, so what's the hurry? But I may not be able to find time to do it once I get a job, which I hope would be soon, so I think I better try to do as much as I can while I can still afford the time to.

Nic will be going to HK next Monday, and will be back on Thursday. He was supposed to have left last week, but due to the extension of some deadlines for some project, his presence is not needed until next week. He has asked me to join him. It's so tempting, but I think not. Cos I have sent out some job applications and I want to be around lest someone tries to contact me for any interviews. And without him to distract me, I hope my job search will be more fruitful. *grins*

So by the time he comes back from HK, let's hope my job search would have taken some shape at least.

I so dread going back to my parents' these days. Cos I know they will be on my back to no end about my unemployed status. It's alot of pressure for me. They don't say it (cos I think it hurts them too much to have to acknowledge it), but I can see the disappointment in their eyes. I was the one with the most potential when we were growing up. They had the highest hopes for me. But now I am reduced to being part of the unemployment statistics. Even the bank doesn't care to have me for a lowly secretary. What can I say? This is so depressing.

On the other hand, Nic makes me feel good about myself. I don't know if he's genuine about it or you know if he's just trying to be more encouraging, but it feels good to know that someone still has such faith in you. I think I am really in love with Nic. My gfs tell me so. They can see my eyes literally lighting up whenever I talk about him.

Nic's baby sister called him long-distance last night to just catch up. She said she missed hearing his voice. How sweet... :) They are really tight. How I envy such tight brother-sister relationships. She's two years older than me and is the Princess in the family, being the baby and all.

OK, back to my pet project.

I can't seem to find this particular track I want included in Nic's birthday album. I looked high and low for it and still nothing came up. It's an instrumental rendition of Hernando's Hideaway. Where is it?? Where is that album?? Things are never around when you need them.

I have a feeling this pet project isn't going very well. But I hate to disappoint Nic especially since he knows what I am planning. So I will try my best, but maybe I should start moderating his expectations a little.

Can you believe this? My dad actually called me last night to make sure I had duly returned Nic the money as promised. Just to put an end to this ridiculous situation, I told him yes. He seemed very proud of himself to have made his wayward daughter see light. Oh purrrleeeeaassse...

Technically, I did return the money to Nic, but he has yet to accept it. And he insisted last night he won't accept the money, but relented somewhat when I told him how much better it would make me feel if he did. I really don't need more emotional strong-arming from my dad now. He suggested getting me another present but this time we will just keep it hush hush between the two of us. Isn't this pathetic? I can't even be openly happy about a gift from my bf. But there really isn't anything I would really like now, so it's really no point wasting more money at this point. Nic offered to leave the money with me and I can buy whatever I fancy when I feel like it. I told him 'no' immediately.

Me,' My dad would go ballistic if he finds out you give me money.'
Nic,'Well don't tell him then. You're a grown-up already, Mich. You don't have to tell him everything. You don't even have to tell him I refuse to accept your money. This point forward, just tell him whatever he absolutely needs to know.'

So true right?

Damn it, but parents just have this way about making us feel bad about lying to them. At least my folks seem to have this hold on me. Not that I am unwilling to part with the 2000 bucks. If it will indeed keep my self-respect and dignity intact (like what my dad said, but which I totally disagree), that's a small price to pay. But it just isn't that way. I don't see how all this relates to dignity and self-respect. So what purpose does it serve. What will it accomplish?? It's just not the way he understands it to be. This is so frustrating!!! He is just totally on the wrong frequency and barking up the wrong tree. I feel so bad for talking this way about him (see how powerful his hold over me is) but since I can't ever bring myself to say it to your face, I need an alternative outlet. And this outlet is as private and as obscure as it can possibly get.

$2000 dollars is a big deal to an unemployed person. It's like slightly more than half of what I used to draw in my previous job, and 80% of my secretarial position at the bank. If I knew I was going to have to cough up the money for my birthday present, I would never have accepted it nor asked for it in the first place. It's just too frivolously extravagant a purchase. My heart is so gonna ache each time I see that bag now.

I need to find a job fast before my well runs dry. Though by normal standards, I am pretty confident my savings are above the average of people my age. I am just so insecure when it comes to money. Oh yes, and dad didn't neglect to mention that I am out of a job. I want to work too. I so desperately wanted that contract position with the bank to work out and I was so sad it didn't work out. But there's nothing I can do about it. It's gone. I do want stability in my life too. It's so unsettling, not to mention troublesome, to drift in and out of jobs. I tried to make it work, so don't tell me I didn't.

I still have no idea what kinda job would be right for me. For a 25-year old (turning 26 in a 2 days), that's bad news. I am not ambitious. I just want something stable.

**************
Sometimes I wonder if I am overly confident about Nic and me. My gfs think so. They said I made the same mistake with G, and I should refrain from repeating the mistake again.

G wasn't ready for marriage / engagement, and I so totally regret pushing him into it. If I could turn back the clock, I would have done things differently for sure. So now I have learnt to stop thinking I can change guys. I used to think if you love me enough, you would want to marry me. But now I have come to realise such things just don't work that way. Relationships are complex, and human dynamics, which are at the centre of all relationships are even more so. G would make a very good partner, a partner for life. He had no issues with committment, but I guess in his books, commitment doesn't equate to marriage. Marriage entails a different sort of mentality altogether. And he told me this right from the start. He said he thought we had a common understanding. He could be my partner for life, but marriage and kids were out of the question. Silly and naive me thought he could be persuaded, and for a while he thought he was successfully 'reformed' too. But it wasn't as easy as we thought it to be.

So now with Nic, I try not to force him into anything. Part of me wants reassurance from him that he will marry me in the future. Another part of me doesn't want to be too pushy. Actually all I want to know is that he will be there for me when I need him to be. That's good enough for me. To me, that's commitment. However, I think it's human nature to want to have some sort of guarantee of this commitment, to make sure that it's forthcoming when we need it, and to many, marriage seems to be the logical way of enforcing such a commitment from both parties. So what I am saying is - if I can have a sure way of knowing for a fact that he will always be there for me, it's fine with me if marriage is not in the cards. It really is fine with me. I could live with this present arrangement forever. I really could. Again, one could argue that if he's not ready to ink his commitment, he's not ready to follow it through. True also, but as I said before, some people are just not that sort of family / marriage person. The thought of marriage freaks them out. But that doesn't preclude them from being good partners who will be there to support you through life's difficult moments. I guess I am contradicting myself. That's women for you. We believe whatever we want to believe. We rationalise things in our favor.

I hope the ladies out there don't think that I am spoiling the market for them. *grins*

Having said the above, not expecting marriage doesn't mean I don't expect absolute fidelity. In my books, if you cheat on me, you don't love me enough to consider my feelings. It's as simple as that. Of course, I understand some other couples in may operate on very different dynamics, but for me and Nic, this is so straightfoward. Totally no ambiguity where this is concerned.

My birthday present was taken away from me, by my dad. Sounds so juvenile, doesn't it? Well it did happen, on Sunday.

Nic finally decided that he's going to get me this bag from LV I had been eyeing for the longest time as a birthday present. It's a little expensive no doubt (almost $2K), but he doesn't really spend alot on me on frivolous gifts. I am not that sort of gf who expects nice gifts from cartier or tiffys or bvlgari from time to time, and neither is he that sort who likes to surprise me this way. So as he puts it, he can 'well afford a bigger budget for important occasions like birthday or christmas.' And frankly, spending $2k on a gf isn't too extravagant anyway. I have seen my other gfs getting even more expensive gifts from their bfs.

So we went down in the afternoon to get the bag, and I left the boutique a very satisfied and happy girl. In the evening, we went back to my parents' for an early birthday celebration for me. Nothing fancy, it's just a home-cooked meal with my family and extended family. And somehow, it came up during conversation that Nic had generously given me a $2k-LV. My sisters and cousins started the ooh-ing and ahh-ing.

Nic, 'Well she deserves it.' He smiled and winked at me. (He meant this from the bottom of his heart)
One cousin said in jest, 'I am sure she definitely does. And he's gonna expect a lot more in return, Mich.'
Nic jokingly remarked, 'I sure do.'
And everyone roared in laughter.

And I thought we were all old enough to take such innuendos (and even such mild ones, really) in good fun. Well apparently my dad didn't think so, and he was quite upset. He pulled me into the room, and told me how much the above seemingly innocuous exchange bothered him. And Nic's wink didn't escape his notice. Then he wrote me a check in the amount of $2000 and asked me to hand it to Nic when we got back.

Dad,' So who does he think he is? And what does he take you for? Just give him the check. If my daughter wants a $2k bag, I can afford to buy it for her.'

Of course, I declined his check. I wanted to say something in defense of Nic, in defense of myself, to explain that everything was said in jest and in good fun. I wanted to tell him he over-reacted, he should just loosen up. I wanted to tell him what he said was an insult to both Nic and me. But I said nothing, which in retrospect was a bad move, cos he might very well had thought that I agreed with him. I guess I was too shocked and upset to say anything. So I just told him I would return Nic the money myself. If I so desperately wanted a 2K bag, I damn well could afford it myself too. Just that it's so much better when you receive something you always wanted as a gift from someone who was considerate enough to buy it for you. And I walked out of the room.

So as you might have guessed, my whole evening was screwed. Once Nic and I were alone in the car, I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably.

I insisted he take my check for the bag. He insisted he won't.

Him,' I won't take your money, sweetie. It's your birthday present.'
How could a dad think this way about his own daughter? It's repulsive. It was not so much me having to pay for my own present as his rationale that upset me.

Him, 'Honey, he's your dad so I really don't know what to say. I think he's making a big deal out of this. It's just a birthday present.'
Me,' Just take the money. I already promised him I would pay you back.'
Him, 'Screw the promise. It's your dad you are upset with, don't take it out on me, Mich.'

I think I will still try to find a way to get him to accept at least 50% of the money. At least, it will make me feel better and I won't feel like I have broken my promise to my dad.

Been thinking alot about my relationship with Nic, our future, marriage etc these days. Yes, again mostly inspired by my random blog wanderings.

Million-dollar question is: Go or no-go for marriage?
Long answer is really long. And at 1.30am, it's not something I want to delve into right now.
Short answer is: No-go.

Nic and I haven't really discussed this before. But my guess is that he's fine with either. He really wants me to be happy, and while like me, he sees no point in formalising our commitment to each other and the love we share, I am pretty confident he will still go ahead with marriage if that's really what I want. He has a really good track record of giving me what I want, so long as it's within his means.

He always says, 'Whatever you want, sweetie, you get, as far as I can make it happen.' It's actually part of the lyrics from one of his favorite songs (which is of course going into his birthday collection I am 'producing' for him) - 'whatever lola wants, lola gets...' But I have never used his sweet nature against him, at least not for anything major.

I was telling Nic about some of the blogs I have been reading recently. (And no he doesn't know that I have one. Not that I had exposed any scandalous skeletons here, but you know there are some stuff about G that I had written here, and I don't think I feel comfortable having Nic read them. I might show this blog to him one day, especially the very complimentary stuff I had written about him here, and also the not-too-flattering ones, just to add a dash a reality to it, but not before I clear those entries about G first. And it helps that we both have our own designated laptop and PC.)

Boy, I managed to digress by quite so much.

Back to the blogs, I chanced upon two blogs, written by 2 teenage girls, perhaps 17 -18 or so. They talk freely about sex and bfs and sugar daddies, in quite an explicit manner too. It really surprised me a little to know that there are such precocious 17-year olds around. I am not a prude, and during my teenage years, I had known such sexually precocious girls amongst my friends then, but as I was so gheeky, I didn't really understand what went on in their lives on a day-to-day basis. So these two blogs sort of gave me some very interesting insights.

And I can't help but think about how I was when I was at that age. I was nerdy, gheeky, socially inapt. And totally ill-informed about sex, and was mostly grappling with ostracism at school. Painful years. Grrr... I am glad I am past that age now.

Last night, when Nic got home, I was 'vegging' out in front of the tv and looking quite ... erm not ill. I attribute part of my wellness to my gleeful anticipation of my new dress.

He gave me a bemused look and said, ' You little liar. You are not ill at all. You are just lazy.'
I faked a hurt look and said ' I am still feeling feverish now. But I guess I recovered quite alot during the course of the day.' And this is true.
Him, 'Really? Let me see.'
As I offered my forehead to him, he tickled me in my ribs and all over, until I had to beg him to stop.
Him, 'See you are not that feverish after all, liar. Now model it for me, you evil imp.'
So model for him I did. The dress looked perfect.

He collected it himself in the end. He didn't want to ask his secretary as it was only about 20 mins out of the way. So thanks dear.

Nic said I am becoming a very good actress. I tried to convince him I really wasn't pretending to be more ill than I really was. I really wasn't. I was feeling really sick. But I made quite a speedy recovery during the day, after I took some meds and managed to sleep off the fever a little.

Him, 'Ok, I believe you.'
Me, 'Thank you.'
Him,' But I still think you are a very good actress.'

I bullied him into helping me collect the dress, despite knowing he isn't going that way for lunch cos he had a special craving for something else which would require him to go another way; despite knowing how he hates to do such girly stuff for me; despite knowing how he hates more than anything else to get his secretary to do such girly stuff for me in his place. So I guess all these make me a bad gf. I am really sorry but if I could find a way to make it down in this fever, I would. And I so badly want to see the dress soonest.

So what strong-arm techniques did I use? Lots of whinning, lots of conscious incessant whinning. It was definitely a calculated move. I feel ashamed of it actually. But it helped me get what I wanted.

I assure you, Nic darling, I owe you one for this. This will not go forgotten. You earned some solid brownie points here.

I am falling ill, I think. I feel nauseous, faint and feverish. If this happened two weeks ago, I think I would be so convinced I was pregnant.

The boutique didn't have the cute doll-ish dress in my size yesterday and I have to go back later today to collect it (after they brought it over from another outlet). But I feel so sick. I don't feel like going. Then again, I am so anxious to lay my hands on it.

What to do? what to do?? I would most likely ask Nic to collect it for me. Some pity on your sick gf isn't too much to ask of surely? Anyway, it's pretty near to his office. I think I will do just that.

There is something I should feel happy about, yet I hesitate to be so. Nic said I should just follow my bliss. Ok, I will take your advice, darling. I want this bliss to continue. He said he will make sure it does.

Nic has been the sweetest, absolutely sweetest and most doting bf lately. Last night, he offered to buy me a dress which I have been eyeing for quite sometime already. It's not very expensive and I most certainly could buy it myself, but you know how unwilling I am to spend money on myself, especially on something I don't consider to be absolutely necessary. He said I should pamper myself sometimes and since I refuse to do so this time, he will. But only on the condition that I model the dress for him first. Seems like a pretty good deal to me. So I will be buying it later, after my lunch with him.

I can already see that his workload is on the rise again. I hope he doesn't stress himself out over deadlines and whatnot. I want so much to be an understanding gf. Let's hope I pull it off successfully this time round.

Started reading a couple of new blogs recently. Very interesting perspectives I must say.

And I suddenly realise I don't cook for Nic enough, at least not as often as a gf should, and especially not a gf who's living with him. Correction - I have never even cooked for him once, not even once. Not even spreading his toast. But he's never cooked for me too. I guess this really makes the two of us. Both of us hate mess and the hassle of cleaning up after the cooking and eating.

But we do make up to each other in other ways, I guess. Anyway, we are both bad cooks, so it's no biggy.

Is the end of another quarter coming again? Nic's gonna be busy busy busy again. I will just try to stay out of his way. *chuckles* Nah... I am just kidding, we are doing so great these days. But I think I had better not get too complacent lest I jinx it. Frankly, there are alot of things that should cheer me up a little, but I am hesitant about just indulging in the happy moments cos I am scared they will be taken away from me if I show my happiness too much.

Anyway, Nic found out about my idea of a birthday gift for him. All the ipod, mp3 talk with my gf has been driving me crazy. Frankly, I still have no idea how all these things fit into my grand scheme and it's really hard to contain my frustration. And when I am a tad frustrated, I whine quite a fair bit. He picked up on my whinning (just whinning about things in general) and sensed that something's not quite right with his psychotic gf again.

'So what are you now? Budding music producer?', he asked, as he looked at the messy array of cds and some random notes (on ipod, mp3 and notes on some of the favorite tracks from some cds I intend to include), in front of me as I busied myself with changing tracks, headphones over my head of messy hair. I really looked fresh from a madhouse.

So cat's out of the bag and surprise is no more. He agreed it's a very thoughtful gift. And boy was he touched, and he should be. I have never put this much thought into any gift, not even for G, so he should be flattered.

We were out shopping over the weekend. Gucci's sale was alright. Only one of the sale items caught my eye but I didn't get it cos I thought it was a tad common. I am nothing if I am not individualistic! Well, actually the overriding consideration was the price. The rest that I found nice weren't on sale. No LV too cos I didn't feel like it. Or rather, my wallet didn't feel like it.

Nic thinks I should look beyond LV and Gucci sometimes and consider other labels like Chanel and Dior for example. You know what, honey, I am always amenable to those if they come free.

And I saw this green layered dress from BCBG. Absolutely stunning. But again, my wallet got its way, so it's still looking pretty on the manequin.

I should probably start some sort of wish list. My birthday's coming soon and I hope someone's sweet enough to remember and perceptive enough to know what I want. *winks*

Bull's eye! Spot-on! Such a genius the creator of this quiz is. Am soo so impressed.

Be happy. Be good to yourself. I have to constantly remind myself of this. Nic said so. He said I should say it 10 times into the mirror every morning before I start my day. I want to be happy. This is a personal promise I made to myself.

If you think about it, being happy or not is actually just a thin line, as is with most things in life - love/ hate, life/death etc. Nic told me he was devastated when he broke up with his gf of 4 years due to compatibility issues. (But he quickly assured me he's over her now. Anyway, it was like more than a decade ago. He only has place in his heart for his big dolly now.) And he was that way for almost 3 months, until one day he woke up and decided to stop being unhappy. It's that easy, he said.

Thank you Dear and I can't thank you enough. Thank you for shinning light into my otherwise insipid life and for pointing me in the right direction. I really appreciate it. That's why you fully deserve the Birthday Gift of the Century, speaking of which, I have to get my arse down to doing it soon. Ah, and I realised yesterday an ipod may have something to do in the grand scheme of this Gift. Someone help me figure all these out please!!

Nic has been having the time of his life for the last few nights. I have been doing mind- (and other body parts below the waist *winks*) blowing things to him. I finally understand the old wisdom of never saying never. I won't say I like giving blowjobs (that will be pushing it a little) but at least now I don't hate it. And it really makes me happy to see him happy. It's a really joyful thing to do something that makes someone you love happy. It's more than this actually. While I don't like the feeling or connotation of subjugation that comes with it and Nic is really sensitive to this (by refraining from pushing my head into his crotch or pulling my hair or ears like they were handles), I guess I like to be in a position to control when he comes and how intense it is. It's very satisfying, not to mention empowering. Ok this is sounding to be like a sex blog.

The romantic front is doing really well this week. He showers me with a lot of attention. I just can't help smiling when he's around. And he said he can't help smiling too when he sees me. It's nice to feel treasured and wanted. Thank you for making me feel attractive and desirable again.

I joined Nic for lunch today. We were supposed to meet outside his office building, but he wanted to finish reading a report before lunch, so I ended up waiting in his office for him. For about 45mins I just sat there and watched him while he worked. It's better than tv. *giggles* He was so focused and so intense. And just so handsome, so good-looking, so incredibly gorgeous with his spectacles. He actually looks better with specs than without. It gives him a scholarly, gentlemanly aura. So sexy and intellectual. I like the intellectual look. It just oozes sex appeal. Sex on legs! This was the first expression that came to my mind. He was just completely focussed on whatever he was doing, with an occassional frown every now and then when he's pondering over something. He's so cute. Sometimes, I would catch him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye, seemingly to make sure I was ok and when our eyes met and I winked at him cheekily, he would smile, the faintest of faint smiles, the slightest of slight smiles, but it made me feel so warm and fuzzy all over.

Lunch was again at the fancy pants restaurant we both like so much. Good food, good view and good ambience. Not to mention good location too. It's so near to Nic's office. We stayed there for about one full hour before he had to go back to work.

I stopped by my favorite haunt after that - a music store in town. This store is such a cool place. I could just stay there the whole day. It has a very comprehensive stock of music of all genres. So again, I spent about 3 hours there and spent so much money on CDs again. Mostly jazz albums and a couple latino / spanish type of album, all of which go so well with my amateurish salsa dancing. The total bill came up to about $300 dollars! OMG. And Nic spent quite a fair amount (almost $150) also on CDs we got for us (me, mostly) over the weekend. So nice CDs are my current guilty sin.

As I was enjoying the music in the store, a terrific idea for Nic's birthday gift hit me. If I could find a way to produce a collection of Nic's all time favorite music (both vocal as well as instrumental) or music I think he will enjoy so that he could listen to his favorite music at one go, without the hassle of of loading and reloading discs or skipping tracks, that would make such a thoughtful gift. And would definitely guarantee me the award for the Year's best gf! First I would need to trawl through all my discs, and his as well, including those recently acquired ones and pick out his favorites. Then I guess I would need to burn (??) CDs or do something with a MP3 Player and download the music. I think all these are things that I need to do but I am just not sure in what sequence and how they relate to each other. I guess I will figure out as I go along or I can just turn to my IT whizz gf.

It's a lot of work, but I think Nic deserves every bit of it and nothing less, for all the simple things he had done for me, for all the simple pleasures he had brought to my life, for making me understand the real wisdom of seemingly simple truisms that have been said and lost on me so many times before. Truisms like 'life is a marathon not a sprint' and what it means to be happy, genuinely happy. It's so simple and yet so profound.

Thanks, Dearie.

I was a happy crazy hopeless giggly romantic girl the whole of yesterday. All giggly and smiling. Basically just like a little girl getting high on love drug. All goofy. Of course, the fact that my period started in the afternoon must have raised my endorphins level by a notch. Oh yes the period! It started! A huge relief for both of us, for Nic mostly, as I can finally revert to being a normal gf, or at least any semblance of a normal person and stop being a paranoid neurotic nutcase. We had a lil' celebratory physical intimacy upon my revelation of the good news we had been expecting for about 2 weeks already. Very mind-blowing (pun alert!) for him. I don't mind as I was so happy and I felt so on top of the world. It felt mildly erotic even.

Then we went for a lil' shopping for books, some CDs and a nice birthday gift for his sister. He couldn't decide between a quaint little necklace and a violin crystal. So he ended up buying both, saving one of them for christmas he said. I was so giggly and love-drunk and when I am this way, I tend to talk more and I end up giggling more. He was very amused by my giggliness. (Please pardon my mediocre English, not that it is normally not mediocre, just that it's even more so now. I can't seem to find another word that more aptly describes my state of mind. So if it seems I am over-using 'giggly' alot, I really am. I am still very giggly now in fact.)

It felt like such a real date, and we don't have enough of such real dates anymore. We shared jokes, we laughed and chuckled together, he leaned in every now and then for a kiss, he pressed me close to him and planted a kiss on my head, he squeezed and kissed my hand, I was all clingy on him. Let's have more of these in the future.

Today was good too. We spent the whole afternoon at home. We talked a lot, I giggled a lot, he tickled me a lot. We kissed a lot and cuddled alot. I was in a lazy mood and he carried me on his back or in his arms around the apartment whenever I felt like it.

Him, 'could you get me some water, sweetie?'
Me, 'sure. could you carry me to the kitchen to get you the water?' Haha.
And the most amusing thing is he actually agreed.

When he went online briefly to check his emails, I sat on his lap and snuggled into his neck and kissed him. I felt like a little girl all over again. When he was done with the mails, I insisted we checked into the dollies website. And he said,' I am only interested in this big dolly on my lap.' After a while, he got really bored and said grudgingly, 'Come on let's go watch tv or dvds. I feel like an old pervert seeing all this girly stuff.' HAHAHA...

It was so good. I felt we really connected or reconnected again. I love how I would mindlessly just fiddle with his fingers as we were watching tv. I love how he would be so fixated on the program one moment and the next moment he would give me a firm kiss on my head, hands or lips. Or sometimes just a tight hug or squeeze just to show me that I am on his mind and he is really enjoying my company. We were so comfortable and it seemed like we just melted into each other. I love love love love this feeling and I love this man more!!!

And Nic said I could join him for lunch tomorrow. He wants to keep me company as best as he possibly can, on my first day of official unemployment after 3 months.

Life is good. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Lots of love. Love is in the air...

OMG!! Are these dollies cool or what? I think the creators of these dollies, or dollie-makers as they are known as, are so so very incredibly talented. They would have very good careers in animation, multimedia or graphic design and most of all, fashion design!!! I had a rather short-lived aspiration to be a fashion designer when I was a little girl. But that career aspiration had to bite the dust as I can't draw anything decent to save my life. But kudos to these talented people!

First up, this retro doll. It's so classic, the polka dots, with a matching bag. So lovely, perfect for a costume party with a retro theme. Those black heels, I love them. As my feet are pretty small, I have a preference for heels with straps around the ankles so I can keep my feet in the heels. And they draw attention to, or at least have this slimming effect on our ankles. So ladies, it's a must-have.

Match the above-mentioned heels with this layered tube dress, and you have got a dollie equivalent of Mich, ready to party the night away!

This gown is so coool!!!! I am so gonna keep this pic. I don't think I will have a suitable occasion to wear it unless at my wedding. I am gonna tailor make this gown for my wedding, whenever that might be! OMG, they gave her matching blue eye shadows. Great! I love this attention to detail.

Slightly shorter and smaller than the black number above and just as gorgeous, if not more. I love this shade of blue. Time to add more colors to my wardrobe.

This is hot! But a tad whorish if worn on me. So if I ever wear such an outfit, it will only be at home and not in public. The black stockings are very similar to the pair I bought in Tokyo. It's not netted. It's just a netted pattern on the stocking. Very sweet.

Outfit for my next salsa dance session for Nic. He will luuuurrve it. But again, for Nic's eyes only, just to fulfill his wildest dreams and to make him happy. It's too cheerleader-like and cabaret like so I won't ever be seen in public in it.

From: http://www.dollielove.com

Yeah, I am still obsessed with the dollies. They are so perfect and cute. I am obsessed with perfection. I picked out a few dollies that I think correspond closely to the kinda girls Nic finds hot, but may not necessarily date, cos personality is very important to him too. Let's kick off with a hottie. This position is a winner, I tell you. He likes gals who are bitches in bed but princesses in public. I mean who doesn't? So he's no pervert. Just that guys have fantasies too, and you are wondering why he settled for me? I wonder about that too sometimes.
I had so much trouble finding a dollie like this one. Midriff, with long sleeves plus a short short denim skirt plus heels. This set of outfit looks so good on the dollies but would just look so totally whorish on me. This dollie is a gem cos it's so difficult to find dollies in this combi of denim skirt plus midriff, and without boots. This outfit plus boots just looks too pretty woman-ish. A tad whorish.

This one is a killer! Enough said. I want to buy something like this!!! The top rocks! The skirt is so classy and elegant and yet so sexy and sultry. I am trying to picture myself wearing something like this. It totally is so gorgeous. I need to work on my tummy first though. OMG, I am getting fashion inspiration from online dollies. Shoot me now!!

Another winner! But totally whorish on me. There is something about these dollies that makes them look really hot in such outfits.

Hot hot hot! But again, it will look a little cheap if I wear something like that.
Killer dress. This one is totally realistic. In fact, I have a black dress that's very similar and I totally adore it. It's so difficult to find a nice looking v-shaped dress that accentuates your bust but yet is fitting from the waist down. Most are usually baby-doll like or A-line from waist down. Wear it with boots, and you are a man-magnet, or at least Nic-magnet.

From: http://www.dolliecrave.com

My replacement started yesterday. She's very pretty and is 3 years older than me, and seems to be quite likeable around the department. But then again, I was pretty well-liked initially. Familiarity breeds contempt, I think. There is just something very wrong about the way people relate to me. Is there anything I can do to change their perception of me?? I don't really have that much to hand over to her anyway. Everything is pretty organised around the department. She can definitely find her way around.

Everyday, I tell Nic that I have a strong feeling my period is gonna start the next day, and at the end of the next day, I am left disappointed. I have never looked forward to my period more. Could I really be pregnant?

And last night, before I could reaffirm my strong feelings about this to him again, he said 'Sweetie, yes you have a strong gut feeling that your period's gonna start tomorrow. But that's what you said yesterday and the day before too. Your gut feeling is not that accurate. Why don't you just go to the doc's and put an end to this once and for all? Spare yourself the distress.'

And it suddenly occured to me that's the approach I take with my fears or problems too. Instead of confronting them, I hide behind some false sense of security that 'more frequently springs from habit than from conviction' - from George Eliot. And I believe whatever I want to believe until the truth cannot be denied any longer.

I believed that G and I were so perfect together until it's so obvious we weren't. I believed I was intelligent enough to do what I have always wanted to do until I had been disappointed for the third time, and I am ashamed to say, after the third time I am still in denial, still not absolutely convinced about my lack of intellect for that sort of thing, and would most probably set myself up for a major heartbreak a fourth time. I believed I am made for greater things until reality proved me wrong time and again. I believed I can be well-liked and popular, until the ostracism I received defeated me time and again. I belive I have become more beautiful and am no longer the toad I was thought to be, until I look into the mirror and realise I am still that insecure and ugly duck I was and have always been actually. I believe Nic truly loves me, I still do, I guess until he shows me he doesn't. So one day, Nic, when you stop loving me, just show me so. Chase me out of your house, two time me, flirt with another girl under my nose, do something proactive and indisputable to show me. Don't bother telling me cos I will just hear whatever makes me feel better. Don't bother giving me the cold shoulder, cos my thick skull won't get it. Go for the jugular. Go for the kill.

Oh why am I rambling on and on? So melodramatic again.

Quite interestingly, this suspicion of a potential pregnancy has not disrupted our fuck schedule one bit. I think deep down, neither of us believe I am pregnant. I am still paranoid about it. Nic is totally cool about it. Will I believe it only when it starts to show? I think Nic doesn't think I am pregnant, but if I am he feels he's prepared to deal with it. My head is one complex mess now.

Nic was very tickled when I told him how uncomfortable the word 'fuck' makes my girlfriend feel. He said he would understand if that makes her feel awkward when said in polite company, but bfs and gfs should be able to feel comfortable saying anything to each other. Both of us feel 'make love' is so cliche, while 'have sex' is so crude. There is just something very raw, sexy and passionate about 'fuck'. Whatever makes us tick, I guess. And I am happy the same things make us tick.

PS: And we feel 'screw' is just too ...erm.. technical? LOL.

A girlfriend squirmed a little when she knew that Nic says the word 'Fuck' freely to me when he means it literally, of course. As in, we fuck a lot, we are not fucking enough, you are such a good fuck, I fuck so well, shall we fuck etc. And she was surprised I actually let him say all of the above to me and I am not even a little offended. Well, honestly I am not, unless he uses it when he doesn't mean it literally. Fuck is just fuck. There is nothing rude about the word in itself. Am I weird or what? At least she made it sound like I am the weird one. Well if I am weird, so is Nic. I guess that then makes the two of us.

I think it's just the same when couples (not necessarily only those who are into the whole domination / submission game) call their partners slut, cunt etc and to them under those circumstances, these words actually increase the erotic charges of the situation. They find them arousing. But those same words, if said outside the same context may be very offensive to the same people. So context is everything, in my opinion. Fuck is just fuck, but if you use it out of the fucking (as in act of having sex) context, then I am offended.

Like everything else, it's a preference. There's really no accounting for tastes. While others find 'fuck' offensive, even when meant in the literal sense, I find it acceptable. But words like cunt, slut and bitch are definitely things I won't allow my partners to say to me under any sort of circumstances. Nic doesn't find them offensive, but rather he finds it funny and almost impossible to say those words to turn anyone on, even if it's meant to be endearing or affectionate.

So what makes us tick? It's different strokes for different folks I guess.

I managed to convince Nic last night to postpone the trip to the doc's to next Monday. I have this very strong feeling my period is gonna start in a few days, I told him. My breasts are so sore, and I feel so bloated, but then again I have been feeling this way for 10 over days already. Anyway, it's a bit of a rush for both of us to squeeze lunch and a trip to the doc's in one hour or so. And Nic's office isn't exactly near to mine. He has to drive as it's too far to walk under the sweltering heat of the afternoon sun. So if we go next monday, after I am officially unemployed, it would be more convenient for us. Hopefully, it will start by next Monday. Please please please. Maybe if I stop thinking so much about it, it might just come when I least expect it.

Nic said it's fine with him, but he's just worried I would scare myself nuts with my wild imagination. I told him I would be the unluckiest person on earth if I am really pregnant. I am like such a practioner and advocate of safe sex. I am the 'safety girl.'

'Come on, don't talk like that. Come to think of it, it won't be such a bad idea, would it? We would be great parents. I am definitely old enough and ready to be a dad. You would be ready too when that happens.'

Isn't he sweet?

So verdict is out on my employment status. My last day will be this Friday. Definitely not the kind of outcome I desired, but it was something I expected. It's good to always expect the worst, so that if it materialises, at least you are prepared for it. I expected it but it was still kinda disappointing when the news was actually revealed to me. Not that I necessarily like working with the people there, just that I have been there for 3 months, so I feel some kind of emotional attachment to the job and everything else that's associated with it. Yeah, I am that kind of person who gets attached easily. And also largely because I yearn for some sort of stability in my working life. I especially hated the way they took so long to let me know. It turned out that they had been interviewing replacements for me for quite some time already. And they still had the cheek to ask me, no, demanded me, to stay until the end of the week to do a handover to my successor. You know technically, I can refuse this 'request', as the last day of my contract is stipulated at 6 June. But what the heck, I just hope for a good reference from them in job search. And it appeared that my boss didn't know about the above developments at all, or so he would like me to believe that he didn't. But I don't really believe him or anyone in the office now for that matter. He had to know about the interviewing of replacements part! He had to interview them, didn't he?? So I don't know his motivations for lying, if he indeed is. Maybe he just wanted to make me feel better.

He said lots of things, not all of which I was truly convinced. The HR broke the news to me in the morning. Apparently, according to him, he didn't know they had already told me, and he expressly told them he wanted to speak with me first before they did. He thinks I am a good secretary, just that for this position, after much review and deliberation, they felt it more apt to have a multi-tasker who can relieve the workload of some of the analysts in their research duties etc etc... oh whatever.

Verdict No. 2 is not out yet. Rather I can't bear for it to be out. After the bad news in the morning, I wasn't sure I was ready for another shocker. So I met Nic for lunch and tried to wriggle my way out of it. He tried to persuade me to go so that I could put my mind at ease. But I was adamant about not going, so there was nothing he could do. I told him I don't think I am pregnant. In fact, I am convinced I am not. But seems like my body is determined to tell me otherwise. But the thought of going to the doc's for the specific purpose of a preg test freaks me out. He said he will be with me. I won't be alone. I know, but it's so scary and after having gone through a firing session this morning, I wanted to do all I could to postpone going through yet another ordeal. So we agreed on lunch tomorrow again. Please let my period start by then.

Been worried sick the last couple of days. Just worried sick.

Worried that the Bank will decide to not renew my contract or convert me to a permanent staff, and I will be back to being part of the unemployment figures. I know I said I don't care, and I tried so hard to convince myself I don't. But in actual fact, I do care a lot. I have not had any major screw-ups so far, but I think I know where I stand as far as the congeniality factor is concerned ie not so good. And the decision for or against my continued employment with them hinges on that as much as my work performance. I think my boss (ie the Associate Director, who's also the boss of most people in that department, except for the Director, but the Director doesn't really care about such things as he has one secretary for his exclusive use) has the final word on this, and he likes me but there are still things like team cohesiveness issues he has to think about. And I am not too optimistic about this. Moment of truth for this matter is Monday. All will be clear then.

Second thing that has been bugging me to no end is - I have not had my period which was supposed to have started like more than one week ago. I don't know exactly when, but it just feels like I should be having my period soon. I can't remember the exact date of my last one. It's not pitter pat regular for me anyway. So I don't know what's freaking me out. Perhaps I have been expecting it for close to 10 days already. And I go crazy picturing the worst scenario, and I really do have a very overactive imagination. The disapproval from my family, ridicule from others, Nic's reaction - what would we do?, my readiness to be a mum (this word totally freaks me out!), babies, delivering omg!... I would get so agitated and then I would start thinking about work to take my mind off the period, and would get so nervous again and then start thinking about my period again. I tried to recall all that we did the last month. We were safe, have always been. There were no accidents, no indiscretion. Perhaps some errant sperm managed to find its way into me. I am so unlucky in that way, you know. The most impossible things have very good odds of materialising on me.

The fact that Nic wasn't around made it worse. The first matter is only about work but the second one is potentially life-changing. When Nic came back on Saturday in the late evening, I was filled with anxiety, apprehension and relief all at the same time. It was one big mess of feelings and emotions I had in me. I didn't know how to bring it up, but I mustered enough courage to do so finally at bedtime.

'Is that what's been bothering you? You should have told me when it first bothered you. How late is it?'
'I don't know.'
'Then how do you know it's late?'
'I just know. I just know I should be having it soon, but I am not. So it's late. I don't know. It just feels like I should be having it soon.'
'Ok, do you want to go to the doctor's?'
'I don't know.' Then I started sobbing. I was so scared and it was like the enormity of the whole situation suddenly dawned on me.He then kissed me and hugged me while I continued to burst into full crying mode.

He said there's absolutely nothing to cry about. I should stop scaring myself. We have always been careful. But if it happens, it happens, we will deal with it together. Perhaps my stress and paranoia are delaying my period. The first thing we should do is go to the doc's. And we can decide on our next course of action after that. I know it's very silly but I think the first thought that races through most girls at the first hint of a pregnancy is - will their bfs leave them? And Nic said, 'Of course not. You are so stuck with me. You can't get rid of me.' This kind of reassurance when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis is priceless. It's so precious.

And the work issue is even more of a non-issue, Nic said. It's just a job. If you are extended, you continue, otherwise you move on and find another one. It's nothing to fret over. It's so wonderful the way he approaches any problem. He makes everything seem so easy, so manageable. He calls it putting them in perspective. I felt so much better after talking to him.

So we will be going to the doc's tomorrow during lunch. (I refuse to do the pregnancy test kit, cos I know it's not 100% reliable and I will not feel at ease with whatever result I get) Nic had wanted to go today. But I suggested waiting for another day. Till now, it has not started. I am so scared.

Worst case scenario for tomorrow: My boss is gonna give me the sack and the doc is going to tell me I am pregnant. First one I can handle, second one I will need sometime to come to terms with it.

From http://www.dolliecrave.com

My current obsession is with dollies. So cute and beautiful!!

Doll No. 1 is just so sweet I can't help but want to put it here. But I honestly don't think I will dress like her in real life. Her outfit is just to barbie-ish. But sweet!
No. 2 is more like me. In fact, I have more than a few pieces of such skirts and tops, but in more vibrant colors.
No. 3 was included cos of the bag! So was No. 7. My birthday is coming, so any one of these two would do, Nic!. And yes, I just sent him these two via email. Hope he got the hint!
No. 4 is another barbie-ish like doll. But I just have a weakness for boots, though I only have that one black pair that I always wear when I feel like wearing boots. I wish I have longer legs to carry them off. And I like her curls. I want to perm my hair like hers!
No. 6 and 7 are for Nic. I know he secretly likes such hot girls in hotter outfits, though he doesn't necessarily like them on me. I think I am too petite and will end up looking like a whore who tries too hard and unsuccessfully too!

Nic, I miss you lots.