Watch me spew poison...Hell knows no fury

From http://www.dollielove.com

Aren't they cute?? Nic forwarded me the above link which he got from one of the girls in his office. He thinks the third doll bears a resemblance to me, though my hair's straight annd I am not as well-endowed as her. But her outfit is so like something I would wear. They are so lovely.

I called JJ in the afternoon and cancelled on him, eventually. He won't be calling me anytime soon, ever. He's mad at me, and I am mad at him, and frankly, I have better reasons to be angry. He said something which offended me greatly. Why should I bother myself with someone who looks down on me and what I do. Fuck you. I deserve better. And it actually took me so damn long to realise that. I have always know it actually, but was reluctant to admit it cos I don't want to believe it. Mr High-and-Mighty, good luck to you and your whore. Don't call me again, ever. The thing about J, is that I can be that easily affected by him, or be as easily unaffected by him. So just go away now, you jerk.

My present contract with the Bank will be completed on 6 June. There's still no word on a possible renewal. But I don't think I will be too bothered by it even if I am not renewed.

I feel so sluggish these days and just now when I was on the phone with Nic, I felt a sudden impulse to marry him. Yeah, very scary huh? I freaked myself out too. Must be PMS.

Nic is away in Sydney and will be back only on Saturday. One week without him, time will really crawl. I really need company. I am so bored. I am pms-ing. I feel hungry all the time. My stomach is bloated. My boobs feel swollen and could possibly be one cup bigger - about the only thing Nic likes about my PMS. So you could imagine how sore he fucked me before he left. And I suspect he's very glad I would be having my menses during the week he's gone (my menses usually puts both of us out of action until it ends) so that there won't be a chance of me being out of action when he comes back, after starving for one week.

I just want one thing in my life to go well. Either one or the other.

Sometimes, I really hope I don't meet JJ anymore, be it coincidentally or intentionally. But sometimes I still look forward to seeing him and still feel a little nervous around him. I don't know what I feel toward him. I definitely still miss G alot, more than JJ. But I think of JJ more. My ambivalence is so going to cost my relationship with Nic one day. It's just a matter of when, if I continue this way.

I am fine when I don't see them together. But whenever I see them together, this rage and insane jealousy just rip through me. Not that it's of any relevance, but most people think J and me look very compatible together, more than JJ and her definitely.

I have no idea what came over me, but I texted JJ a message just now.

'Tell her to stop dressing like a whore. It's an embarrassment to you. I hate her.'
'Not that I agree, but why do you care?'

I must have come across as a spiteful bitch. And momentarily, I felt ashamed of myself. Like I overstepped my mark when it wasn't my place to give such comments.I don't know how to reply to his message, so I left it. A while later, he sent me another message.

'You don't want me to break up with her. You don't want me to be with her. You don't want to be with me. So why do you care? What do you want me to do!'

Moments later, when I still had not replied, he called me. So we agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow. Frankly, I don't really want to, but I don't know how to go reject him. It seemed like a sensible thing to do, to meet and talk and get everything out in the open. I really can't date him, but I can't bear him dating her, specifically her. I would find it easier to stomach if he dated somebody else. Maybe I will call and cancel on him tomorrow.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,
source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../
images/fallen_angel.jpg

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by

Bonding session on Friday night went well. I expected worse, and really it could have been worse. Nic joined us only toward the end of it for about half an hour or so. It wasn't so bad. I drank a little, chatted a little. One random guy (not a colleague) tried hitting on me and flirted with me alittle. That's about it.

While we waited for Nic's car, guess who we saw outside the hotel? JJ and his gf!! He acted nonchalent, or maybe he really was. I couldn't care less. They chatted with us a little and we said our byes when Nic's car came. You know why JJ should dump her? Cos she looked and dressed like a whore. Even Nic thinks that. Her boobs were almost overflowing from her bare-back top with such two tiny flaps in the front, they were barely covering them. Her skirt was hideous, so was that atrocious whorish belt. Her body's hot, but not her face! JJ, for your own sake, please dump her. Luckily I was dressed to turn heads. A flowy black number, with prints with my spanking new black boots to match! See what you are missing out on, you moron!

So Carrie won the American Idol competition. It's great!. My favorite idol contestant thus far, after Anthony of course. I think the two of them make such a cute couple. Like Ken and Barbie! Best of luck to both of you!

More quizzes...

Men See You As Playful Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate. You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys. You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities. Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

....While it's very flattering I can't say I agree with everything. Local guys find me too wild (gasp!) for their tastes, and caucasians find me not SPG enough. So I don't think I attract a wide range of guys. I think I most probably lucked out with G and Nic.

You are Milk Chocolate A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.What Kind of Chocolate Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

... Yes, I don't forget a meaningful moment, even as seemingly insignificant they are to others!

You Are the Girl Next Door! You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry.Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love.But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it!You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. ... I don't think guys see me as the marrying kind. I just don't feel like it now but it's something I do definitely want to do it someday. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Scent is Rose Delicate, feminine, and soft Your personality is fresh and understated What Scent Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

...well roses roses...who can resist them?

You are a Great Girlfriend When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful. But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself. You're the perfect blend of independent and caring. You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!Are You a Good Girlfriend? Take This Quiz :-)Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

... Haha. I just showed Nic the above.

Nic said he probably needs to stay for a video conference on Friday evening, so most likely he would only be able to join me for the team-bonding session pretty late, that is if I want him to accompany me. I still have no idea whether the others are bringing any dates along.

I still remember (with no fondness) my first clubbing experience, which was absolutely awful and I really don't relish the idea of having to relive those awful memories again, unless absolutely necessary.

I was 19, very uninitiated as far as the clubbing culture was concerned. I went with a group of gfs who were experienced, hot, sexy and great dancers. And I was plain, simple, gheeky and seriously, couldn't dance to save my life. Anyway, a group of us started gyrating on the dance floor. My gfs were so hot! I was so envious of them! So naturally they got chatted up quite a lot, but being relatively experienced, they really knew how to handle such situations and fend off any unwanted advances. For me, I felt really out of place, but continued to linger on the dance floor cos I didn't want to sit alone. Then there was this guy who was half-drunk and high, who started to dance very close to me. I just moved away each time and paid little attention to him. Then suddenly he grabbed me from behind, trapped both my arms with his, and started rocking his body against mine and feeling my ass with his hands. It got me so freaked out and I screamed! No I hollered. Yelled. He let me go and said 'bitch' very loudly. I felt so angry, and violated and everyone looked at us with this amused look on their faces. His friends came forward, apologised to me and brought him away. As he was pulled away, I could still hear him saying 'bitch, fuck off, ugly, uptight bitch etc.'

That really put me off. I was put off by the whole clubbing thing and decided it's just not for me. My clubbing experiences after that were significantly better, at least I wasn't groped and felt up, probably cos I have learnt to be more aware of my surroundings. But it's still something I would rather not do, even till now.

Borrowed happiness is never everlasting
It's an illusion
It's a pact you made with the devil
It's a debt you have to pay when the day of reckoning comes
It must be returned one day in kind or otherwise
Only when your dues are fully paid can you reclaim the right to future happiness.

These are my thoughts on borrowed happiness.

The number 1 thing that I do for amusement presently is teasing Nic to no end about his alleged schoolgirl fetish. : ) But he knows I am only kidding. I don't really think he has that fetish or a fetish of any sort, but when he made that 'good girl' remark, I thought the opportunity to make a dig at him was too good to pass up. Well, when opportunities present themselves, sieze them!

My mood has lightened up quite a bit over the long weekend. Fuck that. It's no big deal. Life is unfair. That's not exactly a news flash. I can either sit around and mope, feeling most sorry for myself, or I can just make the best out of what I have got. It's not easy to swallow all of these, but I am getting there. Still trying very hard. I don't want my whole identity to be defined by resentment, anger, bitterness, indignance and self-pity. It's not going to change anything but it's certainly going to make my life very much worse. So this is the breakthrough I achieved over the weekend.

And I feel like leaving my present job. My boss is nice. It's not about him. But sometimes I can't help but wonder is it me or what? Maybe my people skills suck. Maybe I really need to take a lesson to learn how to develop people skills. My colleagues badmouth me behind my back. It's not only the girls who are bitchy. The guys alienate me too. Basic goodwill and courtesy beyond the call of duty is virtually non-existent when they are dealing with me. I don't mind eating lunch alone. I am pretty much a loner at work anyway and don't really relish the idea of having to engage myself in mindless gossips for another hour. God no, not even a minute longer than absolutely necessary. Just that it feels absolutely depressing to be ostracised like that. It's back to high school once more. WTF is wrong? And we have a drink and chill team bonding session this Friday at a club. I am in two minds as to whether to go or not. At least when we are at work, to some extent they have to meet the professional obligation of being civil. Once we are in a social setting, I think I am on my own. No one will feel the need to speak with me. I will look most pitiful. And invariably, some kind souls will want to involve me, and I will look more pitiful. I feel like getting Nic to go with me, as my date. So at least I will have his company, and to others, I will not seem like such a lonely soul. It will also be a good chance for Nic to observe my social skills and he can help me understand where my problem seems to lie. But I don't know if the rest of them are bringing dates along. If they aren't, I will be caught in an anomalous position and will once again be the target of unsavory gossips.

Bummer. I hate weekdays. I can't wait for the weekend to come.

As he laid on top of me panting in the aftermath, he called my name again and again. Then he rolled onto his back, pulling me on top of him. He patted my hair and back leisurely and then he said, 'Good girl.'

'What did you call me?'
'What?'
'You said good girl.'
'Cos you are. You like it?'
'Sounds weird.'
'Good weird or bad weird?'
'Good weird. Omg, you really do have a fetish for school girls!'

Good weekend. Cos he's with me.

JJ just sent me a text message to say he really wants to talk. He has real feelings for me. Couple of months ago, I would have been ecstactic. Now, not anymore. He's just a lot of crap. What's it going to accomplish? You are wishy-washy about breaking up with the gf. And before you actually get round to doing that, we aren't going to go further than this. If you do really have real feelings, as you claim, you would have gotten your feelings sorted out eons ago. There's just something very weird about wanting to make sure that a mutual understanding exists between us that I would date you if you really break up with her. Love is not like this. This is not like looking for a job, not wanting to end up with nothing. Break up with her cos you guys are not compatible. That's about the only valid reason for a breal-up. Pursue things further with me if you are really interested to do so. These two should be separate issues. The outcome of one shouldn't be contingent on another. And, most importantly, I don't expect you to break up with her. I don't expect anything from you, so please accord me the same understanding as well.

Gosh, I have so much on my plate as it is now. I don't need more trouble. I don't even want to talk to you. I am not in my most articulate frame of mind now, so everything I say or do would most likely be misconstrued.

And I showed his text message to Nic, for no reason other than I want to. He seemed nonchanlent about it and I asked him why. He said he's only worried about those that I don't show him. How true. Actually it's a subtle hint that I expect him to share such text messages he gets with me in future too. Hope he got it.

Well, I just snapped again. Just like that. No warning. I was talking to a gf about it and G came up in the conversation. And I got emotional thinking about him again, and how different things would have been if I had made a different decision 3 years ago. I got all choked up and ended the conversation quickly. After I put down the phone, I burst into tears immediately. Nic, being the ever sweet, loving and supportive bf, comforted me as I snuggled into him. Of course, I didn't tell him G's relation to this whole issue. He just understood it as something that I have always wanted to do as a little girl. As a little girl, I had a lot of aspirations, all so diverse and varied in nature and form. But this was one thing that really stood out.

He thinks I am too stressed out. And I should seriously consider seeing a therapist. It's a recurring issue with me. So I should just fix it at the root of the problem. I think I should too. I just feel bad that with his workload, he still has to deal with this one helluva psychotic nutcase gf. And he's so sweet, I tell you. When I said 'psychotic nutcase gf', I saw him wince. He said, ' Don't ever speak of yourself like that. It hurts me more than you think. You are not a psychotic nutcase. You are just feeling a lot of pent-up stress, and we are talking about years of them and you just need some direction in your life now. You will find it.' Just like the time when I asked him if I looked 'whorish' in a particular dress, he said with a grimace in his face, ' Don't talk this way about yourself. It's not a nice word to use on anyone, and certainly not you.' And this is the same person, who sometimes punctuates his sentences with 'fuckin' too much. He says there are lines to be drawn. 'Fucking' is still considered acceptable to him.

Whatever did I do right to deserve someone like him? It's really not easy to forget G. I still think about the bits and pieces of our more memorable times together. But it doesn't mean my feelings for Nic are just an illusion. They are real. I just need time.

And my boss mentioned yesterday during lunch that he sees this melancholy on my face, even when I am smiling my broadest of smiles. Not just yesterday, but mostly everyday. So he was just wondering if I am bothered by something. So perceptive he is. No wonder he's boss. I guess I need a shrink soon.

OK, I guess I overreacted. I saw it coming anyway, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how hard the truth and reality of this all would hit me. I mean I saw it coming, but deep down, I still harbored a little hope, a glimmer perhaps. And to have it squashed like that was something that overwhelmed me. I am that obstinate and stubborn. I guess nothing will really prepare me for the truth and I just wanted to be in denial for as long as possible. And I was angry news of this came at such an inopportune time, at a time when for the first time in the longest time, I finally felt bits and pieces of my life were finally falling neatly into place. I was in such a chirpy mood the last couple of days, and then the bomb. It almost seemed to me that I always have to trade in some happiness to enjoy some happiness. It doesnt make sense.

I had a long talk with Nic just now. And I am sort of embarrased about my overreaction. Well, blame it on PMS ok. I have always liked fairytale endings, so when the result wasn't what I desired, I just snapped. But all my feelings were real. I really had been disappointed so many times. It was perhaps magnified and got so out of control cos I snapped.

He said it's no big deal. Now that I looked at it in perspective, it's really no big deal, I suppose. I am sorry Dear, to keep you up like this, when you could be better off sleeping. But this will forever be a dead knot in my heart somehow. I wanted it so much, partly cos of G. He told me he had a lot of faith in me. I am sorry I didn't live up to his expectations. But what does it matter? He's gone now. Nic, I love you. I overreacted, but I was dead serious about getting me out of this shit hole. I hate to see you as a ticket out of here, cos I have such genuine feelings for you. I hope you are not offended or upset.

So I am ok now, please don't send for the straitjackets.

You know what, motherfuckers? I am so going to make this as ugly as I possibly can. I just discovered something I can so totally blow if out of proportion. With what's going on at the moment, you so don't need this kind of publicity. I am not going out just like that. Not without a bang in my trail.

The anticipation
The agony of not knowing
Finally the day of revelation
The truth hits
How on earth would I be able to live with this regret for the rest of my life?
Who can fill this void in my life? Love, maybe.

Damn you motherfuckers. But as I said, I will be strong, until I snap, whenever that may be. I don't even want to cry. I won't give those motherfuckers the satisfaction. Nic, can we just leave this place? Please give me ticket out of this shitty hole. Please. I was looking over his photos of his house in NYC. It's so pretty and quaint. He has always had a special talent in interior decor. It's perfect. And our current apartment is like a mirror image of it. But the environment here is not. It's so stifling you could choke. The only redeeming factor about this godforsaken place is that it's cheap. Education is cheap. that's about it. Quality of the education, well it sucks and leaves much to be desired. Ideally I want to go to the states to do it. Great quality of instruction, great marketability internationally but it's too expensive. Even if I whore myself out, I may not even be able to cover 20% of it. No whore is that expensive, not even the best ones. So let's see when I will get lucky with a sugar daddy.

I feel calmer now. Remember what I said in one my first few posts, 'With acceptance comes peace and an ease about who you are.' This is indeed very sad. I am defeated. I am fatalistic. I am resigned to fate. Everything you think I should be, I agree. I won't argue. Cos someone who's resigned to her lot and has reconciled herself to that fact won't. They basically accept whatever cards you deal them. I am strong in my own ways. That's what I always tell myself and over time, it's something I hope I will come to believe one day, though it's just a facade. I am not strong. I need a shoulder to cry on. Nic is good, but I don't want to cry on his shoulder. I want to share my happiness with him. I don't want to bog him down with my drama. I want to cry on G's shoulder. But as I said, I am stronger. There is a kind of strength that comes with being prepared about the worst. My strength is that kind, or so I would like to believe. C'mon throw your worst cards at me, I can take it. Sometimes I live my life, still hoping against hope that it's just a bad dream, from which I would wake soon enough. Sorry for those I damned in my earlier post. You deserve your place on good ol' earth, let me go to hell instead.

Is it not a big deal to you? You son of a bitch, And you bitch. It's not as simple as it looks. It's no big deal to you. Cos you are already there. It's just a job to you but it's lots more for others. It's a calling, an aspiration that's dying to be fulfilled since they were young, a flaming desire that refuses to be snuffed out despite the odds stacked against them. You have opened the doors to less qualified and less deserving people. You bitch! It's not even your money, damn it. Well I am completely disillusioned and disenchanted with all notions of fairness and whatever spiel about the plans from higher powers. I should go throw myself off a building. I am so goddamned unstable. There's no bloody god-damned such a bloody piece of ass shit. Who's qualified and who's not? I was so naive. And I will have to pay for it for the rest of my life. For how long do I have to be punished for it? It doesn't make sense to you. Cos you think I am desperate. Guess what, I really am goddamned fucking bloody desperate, you bitch and bastard! Time after time. don't you see the sincerity. She obviously has what it takes. You are so god dammned bloody cruel. Go to hell!

Why does everyone have it so easy while I have it so hard? It's a curse. Don't fucking say I didn't do my best. You don't know how I gave more than my best. Why do others sail smoothly while I always invariably crash midair? So you wonder why I bother setting myself up for disappointments in the first place? Cos I would like to think I am tough, indomitable and resillient. I refuse to be defeated. I am optimistic, cos I force myself to be. But when you are disappointed time and again the way I was, you start to think perhaps adopting a defeatist attitude in the first place may actually save you quite a lot of heartache subsequently. This point forward, I will just drift along aimlessly, no hopes, no expectations, just waiting for death or higher powers to reclaim me. Whenever that maybe. I refuse to set myself up for heartaches and disappointments again. It rips through your whole being and you just crumble. Each time, I glued the pieces of myself together, and move on. But you know the human spirit is fragile. The innate tenacity it was borned with gets eroded over time, failure after failure. There's only so much of destruction it can take. Beyond that breaking point, the human spirt self-destructs and the soul is no more. It's just a lifeless human form with no goals, no aspirations. In short, just drifting along. Let's see where life takes her.

Nic, I still love you. I truly do. But I don't know if I can survive this. It's too much for one person to bear, one spirit to withstand. But I can't share it with anyone else. I have such a whole lot of bullshit pride that I hate myself so much for it. It only magnifies the pain. Sometimes I really wonder how I am still alive after all this loathing I have for myself. Damn this world. Damn the system. Damn everyone who squashed my dreams time and again. Damn all those that stood in my way to my dreams. Damn this society and its ridiculous pressure to conform. Don't fucking talk to me about innovation and whatnot when this is not a society that embraces it in the first place. You are not as good as you are cracked up to be. Passion was all I had, was all that kept me going. Damn you for snuffing it out bit by bit. Damn you seriously. Love doesn't overcome all odds cos failure and dejection overcomes it. I am thoroughly defeated and I am depleted of all strength. I can't live this way anymore. But I still love you, that is if the higher powers allow me to. That is if I allow myself to. You will always be the Prince Charming on the white horse, just like old times, long long time ago.

So see you in Paradise, if that exists.

You know what a goddammned bloody good way to start a day.

Last night I had a really really bad nightmare. I still remember how scared I was in the dream. I felt so helpless, so weak, and was a total wreck cos Nic was not with me. I had no idea where he had gone to. It seemed he just disappeared. And I was crying in my dream, frantically looking for him everywhere, but not sure where to look. And I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach, a profound and very deep sense of loss, and extreme sadness and guilt and regret cos I remembered I have not told him I love him. Then it seemed like I knew I was in a dream, and I remembered distinctly willing myself to wake up from this nightmare and all will be right and fine. So I woke up, with some traces of tears in my eyes. I was very emotional and realised quickly to my immense relief, it was just a dream, and Nic was sleeping peacefully by my side. I quickly sprawled myself over his chest and hugged him tightly.

He stirred a little and muttered sleepily, 'what?'.
I said,' Nothing. I love you so much.'
'Ok, noted. And I love you too.'
'Just want let you know.'
'I know, or you wouldn't be telling me at 4am in the morning. You know I love you too.' We chuckled a little and slept again.

I just love him so very much. I love him more than I did yesterday. This dream made me realise that. It seems that I love him a little more everyday. How much can I possibly love him, how much more than I already do now??? How much more before there just isn't any more love inside me to give. Or if you truly love, the love is present in abundance and inexhaustible. But I won't tell him about the dream. I don't want him to know just how much I love him to the extent that he has even insinuated himself insidiously into my dreams. I don't want to be vulnerable. I am afraid to get too attached to him. So this is love. You love and yet you are scared to love and be loved and to show your love. This must be love. This is love. When G left me, one particular song resonated repeatedly in my head...'I will never love this way again.' But last night, I realised I will. In fact, I have. But this also brings upon me the sad realisation that one's place in another's heart can be replaced just like that. It makes me feel all the more vulnerable.

Your Rising Sign is Scorpio

You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire! You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which. (So true!) No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious. You've got some major mystery going on, so work it! (Well, you know what I want most, don't you?? Make it happen, please!) Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with. (Yeah, Nic will agree with this.) While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love. (So is everybody else, aren't they?)

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.(I like accomodating and doting partners. I like to feel pampered. So I guess this is true to some extent. I like my man to be obedient!)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. (True too. He has to find ways to engage me constantly. Though I am not sure Nic will agree on this when it comes to our sex life. I am vanilla when it comes to sex...haha)

You'd like your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. (True, I like to be thought of this way, but in fact, I am often a big emotional basketcase)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. (Hmm, true to some extent. But I always expect reassurance from my man, though perhaps I don't like to be expected to give it so often.)

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. (Am still working toward this - communicating with our hearts)

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. (Very true. My values when it comes to commitment and fidelity are pretty strong)

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. (This is the one point I agree with most, at least at this stage of my life. I am not committment-phobic, I just have a healthy fear of marriage, but one wonders if they aren't the same thing?)

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. (Hmmm...not so true actually, in my opinion. I like stability in my life, including a stable relationship)

After a well-rested night, I feel so much better today, as opposed to the perpetual zombie-like state I was in yesterday. No more partying on Sunday nights.

My body felt laden with tons of lead yesterday morning. I couldn't move myself from the bed and Nic had to nudge me a few times to get me going. And he's so sweet to send me to work, so that I could catch some moments of restful shut-eye in the total ease and comfort of his car. Ok, you earned some solid brownie points here. I felt so bad that he had to do that, cos he's obviously very tired too. Good thing is that he managed to catch about 2 hours of sleep or so after he got back home, before he proceeded to eat lunch with me. Brownie points again. Awwww...I really gotta treat him better.

But I still had not overcome my fatigue by lunch. The fact that it was a slow morning at work didn't help either. If I had tons of things to do, I might have been able to work off the fatigue. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open and had to go freshen up a couple of times. When lunch time came, I was relieved. When I saw Nic, first thing I did was hug him and leaned against him. I didn't care I was just outside my office building. I didn't care who would see me (actually I did a little, which was why I buried my whole face into him and tried to obscure the whole of my existence with his big body.). Point is, at that point I was so tired I was past caring about my surrounding. I just wanted to melt into something / someone comfortable, even if it was for 5 mins. I just wanted to let the world come to a standstill for 5 mins so that I can just concentrate on this peace and serenity for 5 mins. I told him 'for 5 mins please, I am so damned bloody tired'. It felt a little warm so I moved him, while I was still buried in his arms and chest, to a cooler and more shady spot. It's funny how that's all it took for me to feel rejuvenated again. At least my eyelids weren't drooping every 5 mins. After I was duly satisfied, we went for lunch at this fancy pants restaurant we had always wanted to go again, but something always came up to conspire against that possibility. Lunch was good, as usual and I drank lots of coffee, something I seldom do, to perk myself up a little. Lunch with Nic is always good, and it's a pity it's something we don't do often enough. It's a thrill for me cos it always feel like we are stealing time to be together. It's the appeal of a pseudo-secret rendezvous kinda thing.

Anyway, before we parted ways, I asked for another long and drawn-out hug. And he said, 'Go ahead, just don't drool on me.' I love him so so so so so so so so so so so to the power of infinity much. I am in a crazy romantic mood today. I can't wait for him to get out of the shower so that I can hug him to bits again.

Random thoughts and rambling...as I am so tired after the late night last night and a long day today.

JJ is very upset with me. I saw him on Saturday at a reunion. He totally ignored me for the entire evening. No eye contact and none of the shifty side glances at me. He just totally ignored me and devoted all his attention to his gf. I really don't know what to make of my feelings toward him. It's so complicated. It's not love certainly. I don't think it's anything romantic at all. But it's just that I can't stand him being upset or angry with me. It bothers me to no end to know that he's upset with me. I like to end things on a good note and it's like a nagging pain gnawing at me if I let animosity breed with me at the centre of it all. I think we are this way cos we have so much unresolved feelings between us I think neither of us are able to make anything out of them. Whatever happened to the 'special friends' status he agreed we are. I am just so hopeless with such relationship problems with guys.

A gf told me about a fight she had with her bf over her checking (!!!) his cellphone text messages. And she asked me if she did wrong. Of course you did, I told her, incredulous that she would actually do something like that. I really really don't understand her. If she wants to read his messages, just ask him. It's as simple as that, as most things are, you just need to ask. So that's what I always do with Nic. I don't go through his text messages without his knowledge. If I want to read his text messages or emails (to a lesser extent, cos it's a bother to log in online and check), I have always asked him outright. He can choose to either let me read it or not. More often than not, I am just curious, and am not really actively checking for anything or trying to get dirt on him. I wouldn't snoop, it's not my style. If he lets me read it, fine, otherwise, you know he's got something to hide and you can be more vigilant. And fortunately, I haven't found anything suspicious or incriminating thus far, or he's covered his tracks well.

Most of my gfs think it's weird to ask him straight. It's rude, like we don't trust him, they say. Omg, do they even realise the irony of what they are saying. Well guess what, it's ruder to invade their privacy behind their backs. It's a fact you don't trust him, which explains why you want to read his messages in the first place. And most people would be more offended by this than a simple request. So why not do something proactively to lay to rest those feelings of distrust?

Yesterday, Nic and I attended a Derby-like thingy, by invitation. Of course, he was the one who was invited and I went as his date. Shan't say more about the organiser, not even the nature of their business, cos it's a dead give-away, and whatever I am going to say now isn't very flattering to their image. Well, don't get me wrong, the event was well-planned and executed, just that the manner in which their Public / Guest Relations or hosts or service ambassadors (or whatever you want to call them) conducted themselves leaves much to be desired. It's repulsive. I don't know, they are just so coquettish and whorish, which I know is a terribly horrid word to use on girls (and I should know cos I had been at the receiving end of such crude and unkind remarks previously), but they got on my nerves so much.

It's like looking into a mirror and finally realising to my horror that's how others who had been so unkind to me in the past probably saw me or perceived me to be. And I dread to think that's how most people saw me. Cos you really do come across as such if you behave in such a way.

Nic and I arrived slightly later than most. Actually most of the VIP invitees arrived just in time for the climax. Frankly it's really just about the climactic last race. So Nic saw no point in arriving early to mingle cos he just mingled with almost the same faces just couple of months ago at a function organised by the same company. And cos such functions are just a waste of time and bore both of us to tears.

Those ambassadors were still considered reasonably respectable during the actual event itself. But if you are observant enough, you would see a lot of overly sweet (in fact gratuitously so) smiles, literally making eyes with a lot of the swinging bachelor invitees (you know those sort who are not married but ain't quite single too) who showed up without their gfs, as pointed out to me by Nic. Nic said cos they knew there's a good chance to 'get lucky' at such functions organsied by said company, so most of those who play the field see this as an opportunity. It's like a tacit understanding they share with those girls. Those girls know they can find lots of players at such events too. And Nic should know cos he used to get hit on quite a lot too.

After the race, there was a post-race party held in honor of the winning horses and their owners. Cos we arrived pretty late, Nic felt compelled to stay for the post-race party for a while, an idea that didn't really sit well with me as I still had to work the next day (he too had to work the next day, but he could go in later). He tried to keep me interested with commentary about the dramas that unfolded around us. Lots of flirting, both overtly and covertly, went on around us. One ambassodor got invited to the post race party by a VIP invitee (whom Nic knows as an acquaintence) as his date, and she got quite carried away after some drinks and made quite a spectacle of herself, much to his mortification. He looked quite pissed and tried to distance himself from her. It was almost painful to watch. I don't want to sound judgemental or sanctimonius, but it was more of sympathy and embarrasment I felt for her than disgust and shame.

I had never acted the way she did last night, and yet I got labelled as slutty and flirty by quite a lot of people in school. Does this mean they think of me in the same vein as people who act this way, that they expect me to act like this when I get high on drinks? My writing doesn't make any sense at all, cos nothing makes sense in the first place. I don't know what they mean. I am just tired I guess.

I am so bored. I just sat and stared into space for about 10 mins before I dozed off on the couch. Woke up again when my posture got too uncomfortable. Counting the hours and minutes to the time when Nic is supposed to be home. If I get bored enough later, I may just drive to the airport to pick him up. But I am not inclined toward the idea of driving at night. So, I think I will just wait for him at home.

I miss him terribly this time round, though it's not exactly an extended trip. He has been away longer than this. Perhaps it's cos we weren't exactly on the most cuddly of terms when he left for this trip. Or perhaps cos things at work have been a lot slower this week. In short, I am too free.

Maybe I should take up salsa dancing again since I have so much time on my hands. But I need a sponsor. I am not making a lot of money. Enough to live comfortably but not luxuriously. Salsa is considered a luxury in my books, cos it's as rejuvenating as a massage and it's something I could live with or without, and thus may as well without. It's just something about me, I feel guilty about doing things to pamper myself. But it's something I should be able to afford, without sponsorship and certainly without guilt, especially when so much of my other pesky expenses (and in totality, they add up to quite a substantial bit) are defrayed by Nic, which is really a fortunate thing, and I hardly spend my money on anything grossly indulgent. No, he doesn't give me a monthly allowance. I think what I am trying to say is that he helped me save quite a bit of money just by being around, like giving me rides to work, and sometimes from work, paying for most dinners and all dates, toiletries, utilities bills and most other joint expenses. I only need to be responsible for my own personal expenses.

Sometimes I am scared of getting so accustomed to whatever he's providing me with that should we break up one day, I would be left floundering. So it's better I maintain a fair bit of independence in all aspects of my life, be it financially, emotionally or otherwise. So I should save as much as I can while I am not making as much money as I used to. I just feel insecure when I get too comfortable relying on one person.

Despite my rants about LV and Gucci bags, I have never asked Nic to buy me anything from an expensive label before. In fact he has never bought me anything I consider to be really expensive, though sometimes I secretly wish he would without me asking. I don't like to ask for gifts, especially expensive ones, lest I come across vain and materialistic, which I really am not. But nothing wrong with hoping, hoping that perhaps he would get me something really cool from LV or Gucci soon, still hoping...

I am so bored these days. Nic is away and things at work are slow. I had expected longer hours when I took up this job than what I am putting in presently. And I can find no one to party with.

Oh yeah. Something interesting happened this morning. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like a big deal. But hey, it's considered a highlight in my otherwise boring day. At least it made my heart jump. I think my neighbour, or rather Nic's neighbour tried to chat me up, until he realised I am actually attached, and to his neighbour, no less. And he was slightly embarrassed. So great way to start my morning off! But isn't it weird getting chatted up by your neighbours? But he seems like quite a nice guy. Now, who dare say I am not attractive to local goody decent guys? Here's a nice boy-next-door guy who tried to chat me up. For the record please.

And Nic is coming back tomorrow night. And this is highlight of tomorrow. Sometimes I wish he would buy me something, anything at all, during his overseas trips, to let me know that I was at least on his mind while he was away. That he thought about me and remembered me. Just some gift to show me that. I am a romantic junkie in that way. 4 Days is pretty long, in my opinion. You need to do better than just one phone call per day. It need not be anything expensive. And I don't want to have to tell him to buy me something, which if I did, will defeat the intended purpose of the gift in the first place. I don't want him to grab just anything at the duty free shops out of obligation. Anyway, I think it's too much to ask of guys. Guys, normally don't wear their hearts on their sleeves this way. I think I will just cut him some slack here.

You know how some guys promised to call but never ever got round to doing it. Jerks. Big ass Jerks, they are.

Boy: I will call you.
Girl: Ok. (said rather reluctantly, trying to prompt Boy to be more specific about when the next such call would be. Pathetic.)
Boy: I will call you ... erm.. sometime ok?
Girl: Ok. Bye. (Girl almost died of shame)

... weeks later...still no call from Boy. Girl tries to rationalise the situation in her favor, comforts herself. Sometime is just ...sometime. Still hanging on to the thought that the elusive call may just come when she least expects it....more weeks later...after more self-denial, more rationalisation, after your self-esteem takes a nose dive 6 notches down...comes grim acceptance of the situation and you emerge tougher but also more bitter and resentful about stupid guys in general. And you promise yourself to get a man who's ten times better than him. And to look so radiant and beautiful next time you see him and have him run after you only to have you say 'KISS MY ARSE, you jerk.!'

I had my fair share of such rejection in high school and in college, more than my fair share I would say, that I got immuned to it until this stupid K barged into my life. It was so hurtful and humiliating somewhat cos this guy was someone I truly liked as a person first and then romantically subsequently. He was my senior in college and we found that we used to attend the same high school too but never really saw each other then. I thought we had so much in common. We seemed to have endless things to talk about. The first time we spoke on the phone, we spoke for 6 hours. I don't know what happened. I still don't. I am so not acute when it comes to such things. You would think I should have gotten used to such things by that time in college, but not so. It hurt the same, just that you take progressively less time to get over it each time.

We crossed paths again on campus a couple of times more after that. But each time, we both pretended not to see each other. After I left college, I saw him once by chance on the train. We happened to make eye contact at the exact same moment, and it seemed completely only decent to acknowledge each other (though I am very sure if I just walked away, he would have followed suit too. that's the jerk he is.)

So for about 15 mins (the time it took for me to reach my destination), we spoke a little. It was the most awkward conversation ever. At that time, I had already been dating G for more than a couple of months, and as expected, my confidence level was on the rise. I humoured him a little as he talked about dumb things and gave him a patronising smile every now and then, never really paying attention. And when he asked about me, I merely gave him curt answers. It turned out he started training to be a pilot shortly after he graduated, which was one year before me I did and at that time was already a jet-setting first officer (or whatever they call it in the airlines). For some reason, he was very proud of it. And I chose to read it negatively as in he was trying to brag about it? But now that I think about it, what's there to brag about? It's just a job. He could be genuinely proud of it cos he could very well like the job very much. Not many people are that proud of what they do and it's highly commendable he is. He should be admired. But I guess that's just the way human beings are. Once someone falls out of your favor, everything about him turns sour. But honestly, I think he does have a lot to brag about. I mean pilots are just so cool...arent they? ....dreamy eyes...I still don't understand what came over me then, but I felt compelled to tell him I was offered a flight stewardess position (I really was) with that same airline some months back, but I declined it. It was pride I guess. I wanted him to know it was no big deal being a pilot. But how does a stewardess compare to a pilot. They are so different and cannot be compared at all. I was just weird and plain stupid.

Then he jokingly remarked, 'I hoped you didn't turn it down cos of me.'
And I retorted sharply, 'don't flatter yourself.' In a very rude way, may I add. And upon quick realisation of how rude that was I quickly flashed a totally patronising smile. And went on to say something lame about how I thought it would not be suitable for me.

Soon, as I was about to reach my destination, he said 'Can I call you sometime?'
(And I thought to myself, 'God that again. Sometime? How about never. I am not that dumb. Shame on you for trying to pull this on me again.)
And being the quick-thinking person I am, I quickly said, 'Sure. Or I could call you. We could catch up sometime. Is your number still the same?', though I absolutely had no intention of doing that. He said he liked that.

And I never got round to calling him. And he never did call either. Shame on him for pulling the same old trick twice on the same person. But he didn't succeed this time cos I didn't expect him to call in the first place. And I will never know if I succeeded in using his trick against him.

It was such a pity we couldn't even stay as friends. I truly liked him at the beginning and now I still don't know what happened, which is often the case with most of my budding relationships with lots of other guys. And sometimes I wonder if the problem is with me. He was truly nice to me, until things got sour. What bullshit am I talking about? Everyone is nice until they become nasty! I am so stupid.

He called just a while ago. We talked a little and I was quite unresponsive, in the hope that this would prompt him into saying something at all. Nearing the end of the conversation, he still hadn't say a word on this. So I just blurted out I can't believe he's taking this as if nothing ever happened.

'Well cos nothing happened. It's nothing. What do you want me to do? Tell me and I will do it. I will never put condoms together with my toiletries again. Ever.'
'An apology would be nice. At least it will make me feel better.' Right after I said this, I began to analyse the psycho dynamics of an apology. If he apologises, it would point to a guilty conscience but if he doesnt it could only mean he isn't sorry for what he could have done. Confusing.
'Michelle, believe what you want. I really haven't done anything I should apologise for. Not even for mistakenly leaving condoms among my toiletries. So I won't apologise. Not even for you. And you know I would do just about anything for you.'

That's it. I just wanted you to say something about it, that is all. To acknowledge somehow that you know this is bothering me. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. It made me feel so much better already.

My cellphone is broken. I dropped it and the battery was dislodged from the phone. It seems to work fine sometimes and not so at other times. And the camera function has gone bonkers together with all my photos, some of which I really love. Lesson to be learnt from this - Never ever store photos in phones for the long term. I have been meaning to develop some of my favorite ones for the longest time, but I happen to be a big fan of procrastination and thus never got round to doing it.

I am still upset about finding condoms amongst his toiletries. I don't know if I want him to talk about it or not. If he does, it could mean it's a big deal for him, and if it was a genuine mistake, it shouldn't be such a big deal for him. If he doesn't talk about it with me, he's ignoring my feelings and being totally insensitive about it. He obviously knows I am so bothered by it, so why doesn't he make an effort to reassure me. Well perhaps he thought he had reassured me enough and he didn't want to make it such a big deal by reassuring me so much to the extent it looks as if he really has something serious to be sorry for. Oh well, I have confused myself. Did I mention I am the BIGGEST fan of circular logic as well??

I am so upset and confused now. I was going through Nic's luggage to see if he's missed out anything while he was just finishing up his packing when I found condoms.

'What's this?'
'You found it in there? I must have left it in amongst the toiletries by mistake.'
'I guess my question is what's condoms doing in your bag packed for an overseas trip? Are you expecting to get laid?'

Denial and more denial. And I am so totally not convinced. Anyway I hate to quarrel on the eve of a 4-day overseas trip, and I didn't want to end up crying. So I told him matter-of-factly I have always thought we are in an exclusive relationship, so if the reality's not the same as what I think it is, please inform me so that I can start seeing other men too. Of course, he tried to reassure me and that it was just a mistake and I overreacted and blew it out of proportion blah blah blah... you know totally unconvincing stuff. So here I am fuming and blogging at the same time. Sometimes a girl's instincts are so accurate you just gotta trust them and act on them. I expected G's break-up with me and it materialised. Now I am filled with a sense of foreboding about the outlook of my relationship with Nic, so I guess a break-up is expected in the forseeable future.

Guys, give them too much rope and they will hang themselves, me and our relationship. I have never believed that I will ever have the misfortune of having a bf cheat on me. To me, it's just so melodramatic. G has had one gf cheat on him previously, which pissed him off a great deal. He hates cheaters too and has never cheated on his gfs before. He said he's 'old-fashioned in that way.' But fidelity has always been in fashion, last time I checked. It's a time-honoured virtue. Could it been a genuine mistake? What are the odds? Boooo... But there could be some element of truth in that, cos the last time he packed his toiletries was in preparation for the getaway, and he always puts his condoms with the toiletries. So could it be a mistake?

I should start checking out other prospects and reconsidering my options. Maybe make contact with G for a start. At least maintain cordial relations, if not friendly, with JJ. If I have any hopes of marriage, it would be with him and sometimes I can't help wondering about the smiles and claps of approval I would get from my parents if I date JJ. After how I pissed him off last week, it's gonna be difficult to mend the bridges. So I only have two other options, both of which are not even remotely attainable or possible. I feel like crying. How is it possible for some girls to be attached and yet have 2-3 guys pursuing them zealously? It helps to keep their bfs on their toes. This sort of good things just doesn't happen to me. Maybe Nic thinks I am unwanted and that entitles him to treat me like crap cos he accepted a piece of crap. Jerk. Jackass. Perhaps I should start checking out neighbours and colleagues.

And I will be seeing JJ again this weekend again at one of those high school reunions again. Yes again, I thought we just had one not too long ago. How awkward is it going to get?? Maybe I will give it a miss afterall.

Apparently Nic still finds it difficult to reconcile the image of me crying to my declaration that I am able to be strong if I want to. It makes him laugh whenever he thinks about it, he said.

Yesterday, he couldn't help grinning when he saw me putting on my make-up. He said it reminded him how different I looked from just the night before when I was bawling. And he couldn't stop smiling to himself while he was in the elevator with his colleagues. Today, he was still very much amused by the whole episode and chuckled to himself in the office on more than one occasion, one of which was witnessed by his secretary who must have thought her boss had gone bonkers due to work stress.

'No offense dearie. It's so incredibly hilarious. You are so cute, little doll.' More hugs and kisses followed by more ha ha ha and haha. For how long am I going to be punished for this act of bad judgement?? This started off as something very serious. How did it turn out to be a joke? And is this good or bad? I think he finds me cuter and more endearing after this incident but I also think he's gonna be reminded of this everytime I cry or when I try to talk to him seriously that he's no longer able to take whatever I say or do seriously? I don't want this to be at the core of my whole identity. No, that's not me!!!

And he's going to Hongkong again next Monday, and will be back on Thursday. Be very sure you are there to work, Nic. Don't ever let me find out you have another gf on the side (as if my threat would work, I can almost imagine him laughing his head off..sighs). Not that he's given me any reason to doubt him. But you can never be too sure. Those stories I hear from my gfs are scary, especially for caucasians.

In other news, I saw someone I really hate yesterday. Let's call him T. This person and his group of friends, of which JJ was and is still a part, used to be really mean to me when we were in high school. I really hate him. He made me feel so lousy about myself. There was this time I attended a school concert with a boy from another school and I saw T and his obnoxious group of friends there. We went up to say 'hi' to them and he remarked that I looked so sexy and immediately rolled his eyes and turned away pretending to vomit. Everyone laughed. I was so embarrassed. So utterly humiliated in front of my date. Everyone found it fuckin funny with the exception of me and my date. We walked away quickly. JJ was there too but things between us were already pretty tense then so it was understandable he didn't stand up for me. By the way what I wore wasn't even remotely sexy. It was just a black sleeveless top and jeans. That's how mean they were.

So yesterday I saw this person with the same group of friends, JJ included, at the alfresco area of a cafe. We saw each other from a distance and I could see them whispering among themselves and looking back at me again. It would be quite rude to walk another way as it was pretty apparent I was heading in their direction in the first place. So I went up to them and said an awkward hi. A lukewarm reaction from them and some of them, including T, were looking at me in a very rude way, up and down. I felt so vulnerable by their mental undressing of me. You would expect JJ to be a warmer towards me, you know after all we had some romantic history of some sort. That was what I expected. But he gave me sheepish hi only. We chatted for a short while and I quickly bade a hasty bye. What jerks.

And shortly after that, JJ texted me and asked if I was alright cos I seemed really upset. You are damn right I was. I ignored his message. And he sent me more, all in the same vein. I still ignored all of them and about an hour later, he actually called. He said something about how it's so like me to always not talk to him and then turn around to blame him. I got so angry and I retorted,' who do you think you are to me to talk to me like that?' and I ended the call. And he didn't call again. I felt like telling him to come back and say you want to talk after you have broken up with your gf. But of course, I didn't. I don't want him to do that. I can't make sense of my feelings. I am angry with him, not only him, but the whole group of friends he chooses to befriend. Angry with him for keeping his distance from me in the presence of that group of friends. Anyway he's another jerk.

My old demons in the past seem to be catching up with me these days. And I am starting to feel quite lousy about myself. Just stay out of my life alright? Leave the past in the past, ok? My life is pretty good now so just stay away, demons. Yes, JJ included. I won and you lost, that's all I wanted to prove and shove in your face. So don't say you care cos you didn't and now it's too late to want to. Don't turn my life upside down. Just stay away.

Last night, he apologised when I went back to bed. He knew exactly how to turn me all soft and teary-eyed. And when I tried to explain how I felt to him, I just started crying. But I really wanted him to listen to what I had to say.

So I said (or tried to say) 'You can't talk to me like that. You can't be nice and tender to me when you feel like it and toss me aside callously when you don't. You can't treat your gf like that. I have options. I don't have to be with you if I feel that I am getting the shorter end of the stick. My life is not exactly stellar at the moment but I am doing something to resurrect it. I can be strong if I want to.' And in the middle of all this, I thought it seemed like I was trying to convince myself more rather than him. Quite ironically, I burst into full sobbing mode right after that last sentence about me being able to be strong. He found it quite funny too and stifled a little laugh. I wanted to say more but didn't know how to continue. So luckily for me, he took me into his arms and helped me bring my monologue to a less awkward close, not before telling me 'you are so cute. I am nuts over you.'

But I still wished I managed to say more before I started crying. It was so awkward for me trying to find the right things to say and the right words to use. I don't know, but I get this distinct feeling he doesn't take me seriously when I cry and talk at the same time. It's as though he dismissed it as some incoherent rambling borned more out of the need to vent my frustrations. And I can't blame him. I mean nobody takes such a person seriously really. Even I don't. When you are bawling your eyes out, even you can't take yourself too seriously, let other others.

He said he was sorry again. It's just that he had a particularly long day, at least it felt that way to him, after the long weekend. It seemed he had endless things to do. So that 'fuckin' word just rolled off his tongue and slipped out of his mouth. Where he came from, it wasn't a big deal. But if I find it offensive, he will respect it and will be mindful of this in future.

If you are sorry, you are forgiven. And so he was forgiven.

I am insecure about us. Now, I have a clearer idea of why. Nic did mention earlier on in our relationship that the first thing that drew him to me was my innocent, almost angel-like demeanour. He found that very endearing and cute and very rare. I think he meant my somewhat childish and pampered behavior. But that's just Nic, you know. He can find something good to say about every flaw everyone else has. He knows how to sugar-coat things. Now I am scared the one thing about me that he found so appealing in the beginning may actually turn out to be the one attribute in me that puts him off. All that whiney ways are all part of the child-like and innocent demeanour. You can't hate part of it and love the rest. You can't separate them like this. It's the whole package. It's who I am.

Very confused.

Nic told me to 'fuckin' stop whinning' just now. I got so mad. You don't use words like 'fucking', to your gf except when mean it in the literal sense, in which case I find it acceptable. Most other cases, I am so offended. It's not something you say to your gf. You know it's times like these that make me wonder if he's indeed as serious, as committed and as crazy about me as he claims he is and if he indeed adores and loves me as much as he always says he does. I told him so many times I find this word very offensive and he should refrain from using it with me. He could have simply said, 'Michelle, stop whinning. It's part of working life.'. And I would have felt so much better. Sure I know bitching in the workplace among co-workers is pretty common, what I wanted from him was just consideration and comfort. And I got none of those.

You are the fucking liar. Isn't he such a liar? And just less than 2 days ago, he said I wasn't whiney and then now he tells me to fuckin stop whinning. And he proceeded to spilt hairs with me over his exact words. He said he meant my voice, by itself, is not whinny. You can't just listen to my voice and conclude it's a whine in itself, regardless of what I am saying. It's not that whinny per se. But there are times he felt I truly whine and that's what I just did. Yes, why then do you have to tell me to 'fucking' stop whinning? Why can't you just tell me nicely? Jerk.

Quite unexpectedly, I managed to say all of the above, or something to that extent, quite coherently without crying and it really lent so much credibility to what I said. Then I simply walked out of the room and here I am, blogging.

That's the way it is for men. You treat them nicely and soon enough they take you for granted and treat you like dirt. Don't fuckin' talk to me like this. It's not just about him using the 'fuckin' word with me. It's his attitude. That dismissive attitude. I thought the getaway fixed that. I don't care if you think my whinning is incessantly annoying or infantile. You have to listen. It's a benefit I am entitled to for all the fuckin' fucking you get from me. I was thinking of camping out in the living room tonight or in the study, just to show him how fuckin serious I am about this. But on second thoughts, why should I make myself suffer while he enjoys a vast bed all to himself? And I also thought about not getting a ride from him to work tomorrow, but why make myself suffer dire consequences for his fuckin attitude.

He is going to have to apologise to me this time. And if there's no sex until you do, it's not that I am withholding sex from you to blackmail you or manipulate you. It's cos I have no wish to be close to a fuckin jerk. Just so you know, for the record.

Ok, first things first. The getaway. We squeezed in a week's worth of sex into this short getaway. That pretty much sums it up.

I told Nic I wished we had time to do more, and he jokingly said, 'how much more? To be frank, I am exhausted, Tiger.' Of course, I meant more stuff, besides just sex. Shopping, going to music stores or book stores, going for coffee, drinks or ice-cream, just enjoying each other's company. Almost everything we started almost invariably wound up in sex. Swimming, lap dance, reading, listening to our favorite CDs, even just listening to the radio. I think it's just something he likes to do or just does when he's bored. And no, we didn't have sex in the pool, we weren't so giddy-headed that we would risk being hauled off by the pool officials. But it's just that if we all we wanted to do was to have sex, we could have done it at home. He said, that's what he has been trying to say right at the outset. Ok I rest my case. And I won one round of the Game, he won the second round cos he cheated, which of course he insisted he didn't. He said he merely used a loophole I overlooked to his advantage. A loophole that needs fixing next time.

Anyway, I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt of JJ again. It was rather a re-enactment of a previous incident in high school, adapted a little to suit the current circumstances. I suffered a really bad fall in high school during a particularly intense session of hockey. JJ was the only one amongst us who knew any first aid. At that time, we were still really close. He attended to me and helped me dress my wound. I whined about how painful it was the entire time and he was really gentle. In my dream, it was pretty much the same thing, except that I whined alot more and his gf was present and I kept trying to divert his attention away from her onto me. He carried me in his arms cos I couldn't walk. We made his gf so angry. I remembered vividly how much I wanted to break them up in my dream. Then JJ called me 'Dear' and I woke up.

The interview last Friday didn't go too well, but I won't truly give up hope till I hear from them one month later. And I felt bad lying to my Boss about it over the secretary's lunch he so thoughtfully made time to have with me. Luckily, I am quite a good liar who can lie blatantly without batting an eyelid or so I would like to think. But Nic said bosses are usually smarter than secretaries give them credit for. Just that maybe he didn't want to embarrass me by exposing my lie. He was so sweet and even gave me a present - a ballerina brooch. It's so lovely. He said it reminded him of me. And we got to know each other a little better on a more personal level over lunch. Frankly, it felt more like a date. haha.

You know sometimes I can't help but wonder if Nic is really committed to our relationship. He's not going to be here forever. So what happens to us when he decides to leave in the future? Will he invite me to join him? We had spoken about this on numerous ocassions and each time, he had assured me he's committed and serious. He even said we can marry if that's what I want. But I can't help but feel that it's easy for him make me such promises cos he knows I have no wish to want to translate those promises to reality anytime soon. I don't know the reasons for my insecurity. Frankly, he hasn't done anything to make me feel justifiably so, except for the occasional tantrum he throws. But then again, I throw more of those.

Yet another person told me I have a whinny voice. Another colleague at work. I said something to my boss about some presentation materials he wanted me to do. After my boss left, she came over and said, 'Michelle, if I didn't know you, I would have thought you were flirting with E---.'
'Why do you think so?'
'You sounded very girlish, I think. It's your voice, I think. It's very sugary sweet. but then again, you talk like this to everyone too.'
'I think you mean whinny? I get that from lots of people.'
'Yeah and that too.'

So I asked Nic what he thought about my voice. He said it's cute and sweet. Very sweet.
'Does it sound whinny to you?'
'I wouldn't use that word. It's just very doll-like. Very sweet.'
'That's a nice word. You don't think it's whinny?' and I went on to relate the above incident to him.

He then said,' Honey, can I be frank with you?'
Honesty is good but not always that palatable and I braced myself for what he had to say. He told me that it does indeed come across as whinny if he just listens to my voice, like when we talk over the phone. But then again, people read our body language and what we say together with our voices. So as a whole, it's not exactly that. Having said that, however, he thought it's good that I am more aware of it. Because, it sends out the wrong signals sometimes.

It looks like I have to go for voice training. How sad. To have people penalise me for my voice that just happens to be the way it is through no fault of my own.